BridgeJumper
The Arsonist
- Apr 7, 2019
- 1,194
So sick of this goddamn trainwreck that is my existence.
Of course I didnt treat the pneumonia, no way Im going to pass up on an opportunity to exhaust my body to death. But it improved a bit on its own which makes me dissapointed.
Only a fraction of a bit though. Im bleeding under my skin, constantly either freezing or really hot, eyes sunken, the not eating and not drinking thing got even worse to the point I live off a few teaspoons of yoghurt and 200 ml of mineral water a day. Started puking clear liquid like 3 or 4 times a day everyday. Cant sleep anymore, my record is several days being up. When I do sleep, I have wicked nightmares about being drowned, thrown under trains, burned alive, raped, or having my throat plugged with construction foam. So needless to say I dont look forward to sleeping. The exhaustion flared up my psychosis and now I see things, people and trains that are not there, water from my bottles dissapearing and starting to smell of gasoline, even a car accident that didnt exist. Blood specks on my drawings. Sometimes I believe Im already dead and my body is decaying, and my suicide will heal me and make me come alive again in a life that isnt a simulation designed to test me. Voices all day everyday, I started having entire conversations with them. Sometimes I just laugh maniacally and throw things on the wall, then blank out and wake up 2 days later. Panic attacks and flashbacks from my first jump so bad I vomit, collapse and bite my hands bloody. The tiniest things send me into a nervous breakdown, its a clusterfuck. Its FUBAR. My family knows somethings off but Im trying to hide it the best I can because whenever I try to talk to my dad he guilt trips me by saying that one day Ill give him a heart attack or a popped vein in his head and hell land in a care home. Told me Im heartless today, and that I have no mercy, and how can I act like that. Not that he isnt right, his depression and panic attacks are entirely my fault, courtesy of 6 attempts at ctb a year for the last 12 years. Been trying to find help for my disorder, but theres none. Im done. Im close to insanity.
So Ive ran away from home at night and Im sitting on the bridge. Swung my legs off it. Rested my head on the rail and just sat down sobbing. And praying, even though God is dead, he never listened to me. Texted my friends telling them that Im sorry. Was so impatient, trying to get there asap, I slipped into the bridges expansion joint and cut my leg open. Again. At least it didnt squirt this time, and my blood provided some warmth in the frost.
I cant go on anymore. I never could, but now I cant level 96843776. Tommorrow I have an intake assessment in my hometown for a several month long stint in treatment I literally begged to get accepted into. Its very likely that Ill finally get a place, after almost 7 years.
Dont know what I expect by writing this, just wanted to vent. Lord help me, Im going nuts. This is abject misery. I want out. I would pay someone to take me out.
Of course I didnt treat the pneumonia, no way Im going to pass up on an opportunity to exhaust my body to death. But it improved a bit on its own which makes me dissapointed.
Only a fraction of a bit though. Im bleeding under my skin, constantly either freezing or really hot, eyes sunken, the not eating and not drinking thing got even worse to the point I live off a few teaspoons of yoghurt and 200 ml of mineral water a day. Started puking clear liquid like 3 or 4 times a day everyday. Cant sleep anymore, my record is several days being up. When I do sleep, I have wicked nightmares about being drowned, thrown under trains, burned alive, raped, or having my throat plugged with construction foam. So needless to say I dont look forward to sleeping. The exhaustion flared up my psychosis and now I see things, people and trains that are not there, water from my bottles dissapearing and starting to smell of gasoline, even a car accident that didnt exist. Blood specks on my drawings. Sometimes I believe Im already dead and my body is decaying, and my suicide will heal me and make me come alive again in a life that isnt a simulation designed to test me. Voices all day everyday, I started having entire conversations with them. Sometimes I just laugh maniacally and throw things on the wall, then blank out and wake up 2 days later. Panic attacks and flashbacks from my first jump so bad I vomit, collapse and bite my hands bloody. The tiniest things send me into a nervous breakdown, its a clusterfuck. Its FUBAR. My family knows somethings off but Im trying to hide it the best I can because whenever I try to talk to my dad he guilt trips me by saying that one day Ill give him a heart attack or a popped vein in his head and hell land in a care home. Told me Im heartless today, and that I have no mercy, and how can I act like that. Not that he isnt right, his depression and panic attacks are entirely my fault, courtesy of 6 attempts at ctb a year for the last 12 years. Been trying to find help for my disorder, but theres none. Im done. Im close to insanity.
So Ive ran away from home at night and Im sitting on the bridge. Swung my legs off it. Rested my head on the rail and just sat down sobbing. And praying, even though God is dead, he never listened to me. Texted my friends telling them that Im sorry. Was so impatient, trying to get there asap, I slipped into the bridges expansion joint and cut my leg open. Again. At least it didnt squirt this time, and my blood provided some warmth in the frost.
I cant go on anymore. I never could, but now I cant level 96843776. Tommorrow I have an intake assessment in my hometown for a several month long stint in treatment I literally begged to get accepted into. Its very likely that Ill finally get a place, after almost 7 years.
Dont know what I expect by writing this, just wanted to vent. Lord help me, Im going nuts. This is abject misery. I want out. I would pay someone to take me out.
