tried to go outside today

[PlasticFace]

Today I tried to actually go outside (like in the public) for the first time in years. I've been working up to this for the past few days and I felt that I was ready. I decided that I would try to grocery shop, or at least, walk around the store. I was completely covered up, mask and all, and I had an earbud in so that I couldn't hear anything. Suddenly, all of the lights in the building shut off and a baby in the next aisle starts crying, loudly. We've been having really bad storms lately but what a coincidence that all of this had to happen right then. My eyesight is already shitty and to pair it with the dark, yeah I couldn't see anything. I just stood there and tried to look at my phone until the lights came on and then someone started yelling something and pushed me back in the direction of the back of the store. I took my earbud out and I heard the tornado sirens and the lady telling everyone to go into the back room to wait until it passes. I live in a place where tornadoes are pretty common and every store has a shelter where they are required to put customers until it's safe to let them out. The lights came back on (they were very dim, probably from a generator) so I was able to see a little bit clearer and I followed everyone into the room. It was pretty big but we were still shoulder-to-shoulder. I was next to an older woman and she kept looking at me so I tried to turn my head away so she couldn't see me, but she put her hand on my shoulder. I think she thought I was scared since I was shaking but that's just what I do. I also think she was praying but I ignored her and let her do her thing while I scrolled on my phone with the barely usable internet. After fifteen minutes, kids were running around, dads were angry, and moms were yelling at people to let them leave. It was hot, loud, and uncomfortable for half an hour before we were let out. I went on the Uber app to call a ride home but nobody was able to drive because of the weather so I had to walk in the pouring rain. I was splashed with water by oncoming cars so by the time I got home, I was drenched, freezing, and sure that I was never going to be doing this again. Every time I try to go out, I regret it. I don't even know why I tried today.

 

[ptolemaea]

you did try. it didn't go how you wanted it to go, but you tried. i also really struggle with leaving the house, so i empathize with you. it sounds like the sensory experience of going outside really bothers you. if you'd like to give it another try, have you considered getting noise cancelling headphones? or maybe going somewhere quieter, like a library. of course, it is up to you whether you'd like to try again. i don't go out either

 

[warmsand]

Hey, you tried. Even if it was shitty, you did it. Don't let this one mishap set you back so much. It was brave of you to go out in the first place.

I wish you luck, if you ever try to go out again.

 

[YourAverageLurker]

You cannot succeed without an effort. Progress has been made today, well done.

 

[PlasticFace]

you did try. it didn't go how you wanted it to go, but you tried. i also really struggle with leaving the house, so i empathize with you. it sounds like the sensory experience of going outside really bothers you. if you'd like to give it another try, have you considered getting noise cancelling headphones? or maybe going somewhere quieter, like a library. of course, it is up to you whether you'd like to try again. i don't go out either

I've gone to quiet places before, in hopes of it being easier. Unfortunately, I just don't like people seeing me and that's going to happen anywhere I go. I can't wear headphones because they're uncomfortable when they rub on the graft over my ear but I got the airpod pros just because I saw that they had the noise canceling feature, so that's what I've been wearing. Yeah I don't know if I'll try this again, not planning on being here much longer anyway so I don't think it matters

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Maybe next time pick a day with better weather conditions. At least you'll avoid a repeat of this horrific ordeal.

 

[Aisley]

Horrifying. You can NOT catch a bloody break, can you? A useless observation from me, that the people in the room were a more hair raising element than the goddamn tornado outside. That's us, that's people. Has your dad tried to maintain contact since you visited him? Also, I don't know how to get out of quote mode here yet.

 

[SamTam33]

Don't you absolutely loathe when you try to be all "Fuck it, I can do this," and life is like "Nope. Watch this."

It reinforces what you already knew, but you tried to push it down in hopes that you were wrong.

Sometimes it makes me entertain the idea that God and Satan are real and I was chosen to be on the red team.

It would make so much more sense that they're both working simultaneously and Satan's team is winning (the news helps us keep score).

Like others have said, you tried. You really did.

I've thought about defiantly embracing my suckage and all the sucky things I know will happen, but I start shaking too. I don't know how to accept it.

It's times like this I wish we shared a real life community where I'd swing by and get you and we'd march our frightened, shaky asses right back to that store and dare the universe to fuck with us.

 

[PlasticFace]

Don't you absolutely loathe when you try to be all "Fuck it, I can do this," and life is like "Nope. Watch this."

It reinforces what you already knew, but you tried to push it down in hopes that you were wrong.

Sometimes it makes me entertain the idea that God and Satan are real and I was chosen to be on the red team.

It would make so much more sense that they're both working simultaneously and Satan's team is winning (the news helps us keep score).

Like others have said, you tried. You really did.

I've thought about defiantly embracing my suckage and all the sucky things I know will happen, but I start shaking too. I don't know how to accept it.

It's times like this I wish we shared a real life community where I'd swing by and get you and we'd march our frightened, shaky asses right back to that store and dare the universe to fuck with us.

Exactly! It's like the world is playing a sick joke on us. Through that whole ordeal, I couldn't help but think "Okay Universe, you got me!". Sometimes I do wish that I knew some of the people on this forum in real life. Haha, wouldn't that be a dream.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrible experience, it just shows how much of a hellish place this world really is, I hate how life is so unpredictable and uncertain with factors that are out of our control very easily making our existence much worse.

 

[Haruka]

Hi, I'm so sorry that happened to you, you did well enough to even go to a public store. I hate going outside especially in public spaces like stores, I always feel so uncomfortable, but I am so proud of you for what you did and you tried it. If going to a store makes you uncomfortable, libraries and quiet parks are much better for those who hate public spaces and going outside (I spend lots of time in the library where I go to university at). Very proud of you

 

[downndone2]

Oh my! I'm a complete agorophobe and just reading this gave me chest pain. Good for you! Glad you got thru it and home. Did you make it back with groceries?

 

[DukeDestroyer]

I only go out if I absolutely have to. Other than that I just stay in my room all day. What's the use of going out if you don't have to. It's a waste of money, energy, and gas if you drive that is.

 

[PlasticFace]

Oh my! I'm a complete agorophobe and just reading this gave me chest pain. Good for you! Glad you got thru it and home. Did you make it back with groceries?

I didn't end up buying anything there. The main reason I went was for exposure anyway. I have agoraphobia too and I was hoping this would be a step to get better with it but I don't even know why I really cared to try anyway tbh. No matter where I could've gone, it'd be like this because my main fear is people seeing me and judging me. I tremor and have to wear a prosthetic face so I'm going to get judging eyes everywhere.

 

[untothedepths]

First forum post, but came to say I relate to this way too much. I fear the outside world like the bubonic plague. That sounds like a horrendous day. Especially that cramped space with screaming children. and all those loud noises, dear lord. I would suggest going somewhere that is open at night, preferably 24 hours, but if I had to hazard a guess that may not be an option for you. Fewer places are open 24 hours where I am now, and it was one way I actually got out and about.

 

[downndone2]

I didn't end up buying anything there. The main reason I went was for exposure anyway. I have agoraphobia too and I was hoping this would be a step to get better with it but I don't even know why I really cared to try anyway tbh. No matter where I could've gone, it'd be like this because my main fear is people seeing me and judging me. I tremor and have to wear a prosthetic face so I'm going to get judging eyes everywhere.

I have to start a full-time job next week and completely freaking out. If you want to message me it would be good to have a friend.
I managed to get away from it for 6 months and then went right back to it in Jan
Since early Jan I've left for curbside, several interviews, and a few other errands for the job I start mon
It is 30 min drive there and I'm do afraid I'll fuck it completely up

 

[LateForTheBus]

This may not mean anything since I'm just some stranger on the internet, but... I'm really proud of you!! This was a huge ordeal, and you survived. I know how hard this was for you, and you did it! You should give yourself credit for that.