I tried to suffocate myself but it didn't work. SN doesn't work, I have a thread about it. I'm thinking about killing my mother. I hope that bitch fucking rots, burns in hell. Hope someone breaks into our house and kills and tortures us both
This originally started out as a rant toward my mother but then I added other stuff.
You made fun of me for my appearance when I was a little kid, 8-11 years old. You told me I was fatter than you.
You gave me an old shirt of yours to wear when I was 12-14, told me it was very important to you, then proceeded to take me into a store with all your friends and repeatedly, vaguely told me I "looked weird"
At one point as a child I had a tantrum and you responded by pulling down your pants and underwear, aggressively rubbing your vagina and telling me to "eat it"
I acted up and you went to the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife and threatened to stab me with it.
I refused to leave your brothers pool and you and Rusty used long planks of wood to beat me and chase me out of it
I didn't want to go home yet when you took me to swim at the lake and you threw huge ass rocks at me. On multiple occasions.
I saw you spray the dog with water to punish her and I later emulated you by grabbing a spray bottle of PineSol. I was immediately reprimanded and never did it again.
Years later, the dog developed mange and your trashy ass was too cheap to do anything about it. Your similarly ignorant boyfriend had enough of looking at the ugly dog and told you he was surrendering her to an animal shelter, except in actuality he went to his buddy's place and shot her instead.
You then blamed me for your dog's death, even though mange is caused by MITES, not a single badly aimed spritz of PineSol years ago. Whenever I brought up the dog, reminiscing about the good times I had playing with her, you made sure to let me know it was my fault.
When I was 15-16, in the middle of a mental breakdown, you said "I'd tell you to get a man, but I don't think even that would help you"
When I was 16-17, you told me to never have kids because I would ruin them.
When I was 12-13 and we lived in Cardinal and we lost our internet, I said I didn't want to hook it back up because I was addicted to it and I felt happier without it. If you had really wanted me to read books, this was the time to encourage it because this was the only time in the past 10 years that I actually devoured any books. Remember? This was the Hunger Games Era. I never went to a library again after this.
Sometime in my teens, I distinctly remember crying to a nurse in BUR 4 about how I wanted to go to school (& also about stretch marks). They were supposed to set it up, they didn't. I kept harassing you to call the Apple Program. You said they didn't answer you, I said then calling isn't good enough, do something else. You didn't.
You blamed my hamster becoming ill due to pesticides on the bin cage & not the fact that SUDDEN LEFT THEM IN A CLOSET WHILE THE HOUSE WAS BEING FLEA BOMBED.
I wanted to take up archery and horseback riding and you said no, because you thought I wanted to kill you. (???)
I wanted to make some of my pets into my hobby (agility & such), yet you made sure that couldn't happen either. You refused to get me any of the basic, bare minimum shit I needed for any of my animals and then you'd shame me for not taking care of them properly.
Speaking of animals, you bought me two kittens unexpectedly. I loved them with everything for a year or so. They reached puberty and, being males, began to try and kill each other 24/7. When we moved, I said I wanted to give them away because you wouldn't let me get them neutered. You just abandoned them in the house instead, said the landlord's wife wanted them. Three months later, you inform me one of the cats was hit by a car because they let them outside.
I attempted to have online relationships, sometimes with older men, and all you did was slutshame me.
I spent my teenage years certain I had no future, crying about never having children. I didn't go to high school, I barely went to any kind of school at all.
I was molested by Rusty and you blame me for it if I bring it up. You blame me for everything. You tell me to grow up, I'm an adult now, none of my problems are yours anymore. I should take some responsibility.
How? I never had any friends, I've never even shook hands with another human being other than YOU. I don't know basic math, I don't know how to do anything. A few weeks ago, you were yelling at me for not knowing how to maunever the cart at the grocery store.. I NEVER DID THAT IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING BECAUSE OF YOU. ALL I'VE DONE IS STARE AT A FUCKING COMPUTER SCREEN, WATCH BAD TV.
I HAVE NO SKILLS.
I'VE NEVER EVEN DONE ANY CHORES AND ANY ATTEMPTS I EVER MADE TO IMPROVE ANYTHING YOU FUCKING PREVENTED.
I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I'M SORRY I COULDN'T OVERCOME EVERY SINGLE OBSTACLE, TO DO THE MOST BASIC, RUDIMENTARY SHIT.
And in the past you blamed it all on aspergers, but you know what? Fuck you. It's your fault, not any diagnosis. I was smart as a kid, I was so mature. I taught myself to read. I had interests at one point, I bet I could have been a vet or something if I had pursued it. But now I don't even have interests. You took my interests away from me, now I have nothing inside.
I'm an empty, brain dead husk. All I know is pain and crying and endless scrolling.
Why did you kill me? What did I ever fucking do to you?
Whenever I was in the hospital, it was ALWAYS ABOUT YOU. Medication to make her stop crying hysterically all the time, medication to subdue her. She does this, she does that. Ohh, I love the attention. I think I'll exaggerate her behavior. I'm going to talk to everyone I know about her issues. I'm such a fucking hero!
Your mom tried to have me taken away when I was a kid, just like your kids before me. I wonder why? Hmmm..
Thanks, mom. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. YOU'RE SO GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING DIE, BUT I CAN'T DO MUCH OTHERWISE, CAN I? Oooh, learn math at 21 years old. So glamorous. Yaay, live isolated in a shitty apartment. Work a horrific minimum wage job. Life is such a blessing.
And you know who I hate more than my mom, perhaps? People. All people. Especially people who think they're good people. I lost all of my friends due to fading away, I am now wholly unable to make more. I go into an online space anywhere & i get fucking MOCKED FOR EXISTING. I can't do anything right. I'M SORRY I DON'T KEEP UP TO DATE ON YOUR SHITTY MEMES, BRO. SORRY I'M SO BORING.
Fuck humanity. I wish I could start a Gofundme to pay off the debt I now have from getting my boobs done in a sad, pathetic attempt to feel female & human & regain some of my lost youth. But people suck and until I get cancer, nobody gives a FUCK. I wish I could start a gofundme to buy land & live as a hermit since people so clearly don't want me.
This originally started out as a rant toward my mother but then I added other stuff.
You made fun of me for my appearance when I was a little kid, 8-11 years old. You told me I was fatter than you.
You gave me an old shirt of yours to wear when I was 12-14, told me it was very important to you, then proceeded to take me into a store with all your friends and repeatedly, vaguely told me I "looked weird"
At one point as a child I had a tantrum and you responded by pulling down your pants and underwear, aggressively rubbing your vagina and telling me to "eat it"
I acted up and you went to the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife and threatened to stab me with it.
I refused to leave your brothers pool and you and Rusty used long planks of wood to beat me and chase me out of it
I didn't want to go home yet when you took me to swim at the lake and you threw huge ass rocks at me. On multiple occasions.
I saw you spray the dog with water to punish her and I later emulated you by grabbing a spray bottle of PineSol. I was immediately reprimanded and never did it again.
Years later, the dog developed mange and your trashy ass was too cheap to do anything about it. Your similarly ignorant boyfriend had enough of looking at the ugly dog and told you he was surrendering her to an animal shelter, except in actuality he went to his buddy's place and shot her instead.
You then blamed me for your dog's death, even though mange is caused by MITES, not a single badly aimed spritz of PineSol years ago. Whenever I brought up the dog, reminiscing about the good times I had playing with her, you made sure to let me know it was my fault.
When I was 15-16, in the middle of a mental breakdown, you said "I'd tell you to get a man, but I don't think even that would help you"
When I was 16-17, you told me to never have kids because I would ruin them.
When I was 12-13 and we lived in Cardinal and we lost our internet, I said I didn't want to hook it back up because I was addicted to it and I felt happier without it. If you had really wanted me to read books, this was the time to encourage it because this was the only time in the past 10 years that I actually devoured any books. Remember? This was the Hunger Games Era. I never went to a library again after this.
Sometime in my teens, I distinctly remember crying to a nurse in BUR 4 about how I wanted to go to school (& also about stretch marks). They were supposed to set it up, they didn't. I kept harassing you to call the Apple Program. You said they didn't answer you, I said then calling isn't good enough, do something else. You didn't.
You blamed my hamster becoming ill due to pesticides on the bin cage & not the fact that SUDDEN LEFT THEM IN A CLOSET WHILE THE HOUSE WAS BEING FLEA BOMBED.
I wanted to take up archery and horseback riding and you said no, because you thought I wanted to kill you. (???)
I wanted to make some of my pets into my hobby (agility & such), yet you made sure that couldn't happen either. You refused to get me any of the basic, bare minimum shit I needed for any of my animals and then you'd shame me for not taking care of them properly.
Speaking of animals, you bought me two kittens unexpectedly. I loved them with everything for a year or so. They reached puberty and, being males, began to try and kill each other 24/7. When we moved, I said I wanted to give them away because you wouldn't let me get them neutered. You just abandoned them in the house instead, said the landlord's wife wanted them. Three months later, you inform me one of the cats was hit by a car because they let them outside.
I attempted to have online relationships, sometimes with older men, and all you did was slutshame me.
I spent my teenage years certain I had no future, crying about never having children. I didn't go to high school, I barely went to any kind of school at all.
I was molested by Rusty and you blame me for it if I bring it up. You blame me for everything. You tell me to grow up, I'm an adult now, none of my problems are yours anymore. I should take some responsibility.
How? I never had any friends, I've never even shook hands with another human being other than YOU. I don't know basic math, I don't know how to do anything. A few weeks ago, you were yelling at me for not knowing how to maunever the cart at the grocery store.. I NEVER DID THAT IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING BECAUSE OF YOU. ALL I'VE DONE IS STARE AT A FUCKING COMPUTER SCREEN, WATCH BAD TV.
I HAVE NO SKILLS.
I'VE NEVER EVEN DONE ANY CHORES AND ANY ATTEMPTS I EVER MADE TO IMPROVE ANYTHING YOU FUCKING PREVENTED.
I HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. I'M SORRY I COULDN'T OVERCOME EVERY SINGLE OBSTACLE, TO DO THE MOST BASIC, RUDIMENTARY SHIT.
And in the past you blamed it all on aspergers, but you know what? Fuck you. It's your fault, not any diagnosis. I was smart as a kid, I was so mature. I taught myself to read. I had interests at one point, I bet I could have been a vet or something if I had pursued it. But now I don't even have interests. You took my interests away from me, now I have nothing inside.
I'm an empty, brain dead husk. All I know is pain and crying and endless scrolling.
Why did you kill me? What did I ever fucking do to you?
Whenever I was in the hospital, it was ALWAYS ABOUT YOU. Medication to make her stop crying hysterically all the time, medication to subdue her. She does this, she does that. Ohh, I love the attention. I think I'll exaggerate her behavior. I'm going to talk to everyone I know about her issues. I'm such a fucking hero!
Your mom tried to have me taken away when I was a kid, just like your kids before me. I wonder why? Hmmm..
Thanks, mom. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. YOU'RE SO GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING DIE, BUT I CAN'T DO MUCH OTHERWISE, CAN I? Oooh, learn math at 21 years old. So glamorous. Yaay, live isolated in a shitty apartment. Work a horrific minimum wage job. Life is such a blessing.
And you know who I hate more than my mom, perhaps? People. All people. Especially people who think they're good people. I lost all of my friends due to fading away, I am now wholly unable to make more. I go into an online space anywhere & i get fucking MOCKED FOR EXISTING. I can't do anything right. I'M SORRY I DON'T KEEP UP TO DATE ON YOUR SHITTY MEMES, BRO. SORRY I'M SO BORING.
Fuck humanity. I wish I could start a Gofundme to pay off the debt I now have from getting my boobs done in a sad, pathetic attempt to feel female & human & regain some of my lost youth. But people suck and until I get cancer, nobody gives a FUCK. I wish I could start a gofundme to buy land & live as a hermit since people so clearly don't want me.
