Help Trauma

[iamnotreal]

I had a mental breakdown 5 years ago at college. I already had a personality and obsessive thinking issue. The first day of the semester I experienced depersonalization and immediately felt like i wasnt going to be able to understand anything and this brought on 7 months of me mind fucking myself. I couldnt read a text or even understand a sentence. Everytime I would take a piss I would tell myself I could ruin it for myself i wouldnt be able to do it. I couldn't understand movies. It was very traumatic but eventually my mind had enough and protected itself. It blocked out all those memories and I dicociated even more. I was completely unaware how that breakdown effected me. I started binge drinking and hanging out with bad kids. I completely lost grip on reality. Since then I've had 2 jobs. One at subway where I would drink on the job, and I was a ground keeper at private higher. That was the last job I had 2 years ago. I started falling apart mentally. Socially I was off. I was insecure about my personality. I didnt know how to behave or act around people. I was faking my way through almost all conversations because I couldnt understand what people were saying. By the end of the job I became very suicidal and quit. I spent the next year doing nothing but drinking. Didnt make any progress with mental health. Still unaware that i have a problem. I still feel oblivious to my life. I'm getting more and more out of it. I can barely hear anything, i cant focus my eyes on anything. I cant feel my body. But it's normal. I dont see anything wrong with the way I'm viewing the world. I'm afraid to look at myself for what i am. A disgusting, sick, alcoholic piece of garbage. I'm also constantly unfilled because my thoughts wont let me understand things. And I tell myself when I lay down tonight I'm going to reflect in a positive way but my thoughts tell me the thought wont work because my thoughts arent real. I've been faking my way through multiple out patient programs getting nothing out of it. All I know is I'm getting further and further away from where I should be. And I'm afraid of reading. I'm afraid im going to start mind fucking my self again if I start reconnecting and getting in touch with my past experiences. I should just kill myself and save myself the trouble because I probably wont come out of it. And I can stop wasting my parents money. I just wanna feel anything so desperately. And I want to sit down and read a book without interrupting my thoughts and mind fuckijg myself. Maybe talking like this is just fueling the fire. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. That's what ruined my life and sense of self, me telling myself I'm I'm doing everything wrong and nothing will change

 

[Schizotypal]

Incredible how you is like me! PM me if you wanna talk with someone.

 

[iamnotreal]

Incredible how you is like me! PM me if you wanna talk with someone.

Hey not sure how to message people I'm new. How do you think we are similar?

 

[Schizotypal]

Well, I have extreme anxiety, very bad. When I was in high school I have a kind of nervous breakdown (induced by many factors) and starts to went psychiatrists. After this I've never been to college because I'm afraid. I never had a job because I feel panic with people around, sometimes is so fucking hard that I have seizures (only happened one time, but it can happens again). So... I'm a musician, I play in a few bands and this is the focus of my life, I don't do anything beyond this because my emotions didn't allow. Is the main reason for me to commit suicide - I'm alcoholic, spend all my money with this and I think it's past time for my parents to support me. I feel the biggest guilt in this world. And I know that I will never change.

 

[JadedGray]

I know what you're going through. Depersonalization is hell and enough reason alone to want to CTB.

 

[iamnotreal]

Well, I have extreme anxiety, very bad. When I was in high school I have a kind of nervous breakdown (induced by many factors) and starts to went psychiatrists. After this I've never been to college because I'm afraid. I never had a job because I feel panic with people around, sometimes is so fucking hard that I have seizures (only happened one time, but it can happens again). So... I'm a musician, I play in a few bands and this is the focus of my life, I don't do anything beyond this because my emotions didn't allow. Is the main reason for me to commit suicide - I'm alcoholic, spend all my money with this and I think it's past time for my parents to support me. I feel the biggest guilt in this world. And I know that I will never change.

Im a musician too and I have people reaching out to me to play but I always say no cause I dont want them to think something is wrong with me

I know what you're going through. Depersonalization is hell and enough reason alone to want to CTB.

I feel like I'm not even experiencing depersonalization anymore. My brain like disconnected evem further so I cant feel it anymore

 

[JadedGray]

Im a musician too and I have people reaching out to me to play but I always say no cause I dont want them to think something is wrong with me

I feel like I'm not even experiencing depersonalization anymore. My brain like disconnected evem further so I cant feel it anymore

It could be derealization. A lot of people have both depersonalization and derealization. I have both and I almost can't feel how detached I am from myself because I'm detached from everything around me as well.

 

[Schizotypal]

@JadedGray nice profile pic, I love Dead

 

[JadedGray]

@JadedGray nice profile pic, I love Dead

Thanks. Me too. I like your custom title under your avatar.

 

[Schizotypal]

I have derealization, I'm sure everybody is pretending all is real... When I CTB I will discover the real dimension

Thanks. Me too. I like your custom title under your avatar.

Thank's :)

 

[JadedGray]

I have derealization, I'm sure everybody is pretending all is real... When I CTB I will discover the real dimension

Thank's :)

You're welcome. Your attitude towards derealization is what a lot of people who have it feel, like it's some kind of spiritual awakening.