Trauma to My Children...a Long Story

[suffering_mo_7]

I'm writing this with tears....my whole life has fallen apart in the last 6 months since I got a medical infusion that was supposed to improve my life. Instead, all it did was destroy my health, cause me immense physical pain and suffering, and damage my nervous system and brain..... It's pretty much destroyed my marriage of more than 2 decades. It's traumatized my many children, several still at home, where we created a loving and protective environment for them. I was just a stay at home mom, stressed but content, just 7 months ago. Now I am living in a science fiction horror movie. I have lost my relationships and friendships. I can no longer do anything I used to enjoy. My life is just suffering.

I am in physical agony every single day, with my skin on fire/stinging pins and needles from head to toe, where clothes hurt worse (have to wear them inside out), a breeze hurts, sheets hurt. I cannot lean in a chair or lay flat on my back because of spinal pain and more pins and needles. My knees hurt. I have tremors and muscle fisculations. I do not sleep hardly, even with medication and by myself now.... the insomnia alone drives me insane. I am restless and cannot sit even during a meal, pacing for hours a day, unable to relax at all. I have sound sensitivity/hyperacusis, and am easily overstimulated. I get goosebumps over my body from simple things like washing my hands. I'm disassociated, struggling to feel connection. I can no longer rationalize or have conversations about normal things. My brain and reasoning has been destroyed, leaving in it's wake someone I don't even know (nor does anyone else).. someone selfish, self centered and hard to talk to. My brain just doesn't feel right. I have damage to my stomach, similar to gastritis so struggle to eat.. only bland mushy foods. I am in pain, suffering, agony pretty much 24/7.....all from an infusion, which was neurotoxic. I am incredibly depressed, have underlying OCD and anxiety but now am "crazy". My home is full of turmoil...I can barely care for myself, let alone my children, and I am often alone in my bedroom by myself, not interacting or engaging, ignoring everyone, on FB a lot, trying to get reassurance from strangers (which I have failed to get). Trying to survive. My husband and I fight...he just wants his wife back, and I cannot give him that. He's stressed and angry. I cry a lot, daily, because of my pain and suffering. I cannot tolerate more medication as I am sensitive to everything and there are no effective medications to treat what I have. The ones they give for this to try (usually unsuccessfully) have given me many side effects in the past for other things. Homeopathy, supplements, aren't gonna do it and I can't take them anyway because of my stomach. This isn't going to get better. I have been incredibly suicidal for over 4 months, wanting and needing to be gone and out of this misery, having no hope and only fear. Feeling guilt, begging for help but knowing there's none to be had.

What's keeping me here?....my beautiful, beautiful children. They are wonderful people who did not deserve this. They are suffering from a less than stable home now, seeing me suffer, seeing the fighting that my husband and I now engage in. Their lives have been turned upside down and yet, and yet, they are still overall happy. The whole thing is UNREAL, tragic, unbelievable. We are religious and I have been told that I will go to hell if I commit suicide...by clergy, my husband and others..by the catechism of my faith. My children, who unfortunately, now know that I wanted to go to Switzerland (because it was shared tragically) have told me I will go to hell if I commit suicide.... I am scared that it's true because I know suicide is generally wrong (I'm sorry to offend anyone). I have been told how much my children will be traumatized, affected... and I KNOW that this is true. I would love to hang on for them but the pain and suffering is beyond ANYTHING I ever, ever could have imagined... It's inhumane. It's beyond my capability to endure. It's toxic, chemical torture. It's torment/agony nonstop. I'm being hit in every direction.. physically, neurologically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, spiritually. I beg for God to give me cancer, anything terminal, kill me in a car accident, anything to escape this. If anything, give me a more peaceful, but certain, way out so my kids don't have to know that I die by gunshot (my only option)....since N is not available to me and I cannot consume SN due to my stomach.

I don't know what I am looking for by writing this....I'm scared that someday, it will be found by the ones I love. I'm leaving this site tomorrow afternoon...at least, I will try to. I'm destroying/getting rid of some stuff I bought to possibly suicide....I want to TRY harder for my children, for my God...see if I can endure this for them, improve sone mentally at least, to save them from more suffering, to save my soul. But I am scared, terrified... because again, I have already surpassed the level that I can tolerate, my condition is never likely to get better and maybe worse. I am only mid 40s.

I know in the end, I may hurt my children so badly, beyond anything I ever could have imagined for them, anything they deserve.... because my ability to endure is so weak. They will NEVER forgive me, they will be traumatized more than they are. They will feel shame and abandonment. They will think their mother is in hell and I am afraid they are right.

Please, please, no cruel comments. I don't need to feel worse than I do. I feel so much guilt and shame for getting that infusion which has destroyed so many lives here (I could have went without it, though it was supposed to help me feel better). I feel guilt and shame for who I am now, someone no one knows. I feel more pain, suffering and sorrow than imaginable, trapped and in despair.

 

[living.dead.girl]

I'm not a practitioner, though work in private health.
Is it possible for you to invest in working with a good functional medicine doctor who has experience with genetic expression?

I know nothing about specifics of your situation but it seems like there may have been something underlying that, whatever your infusion was, may have set off a cascade of horrible symptoms. I see cases of this happen for chronic inflammatory response, mast cell disorders, tickborne illness, complex autoimmunity, dysautonomia, and more. If it was purely toxins injected into your body, a specialized practitioner may still be able to help.

For pain relief, therapies like photobiomodulation and/or perineural may be worth checking out, though it's imperative to address the issue from the root cause. You deserve a better quality of life.

 

[spentspirit]

You'd be surprised what the body's capacity for healing is. Have you tried meditation and prayer?

 

[living.dead.girl]

Toxins may remain dormant in the body for years. Unfortunately all it takes is an event (trauma, injury, virus, etc.) to cause a 'switch' for those genes to be expressed.
I would also suggest getting a qEEG or something similar, to better understand the way your brain is communicating - picks up on electrical signals and provides insight into neurological function.
If you have heard of Dr. Daniel Amen - that's the kind of approach that can really help. Doesn't have to be his practice, just something with similar resources.

Lyme (and other) treatment can fail if it's not addressing the full picture. We see this coupled often with mast cell, CIRS - things like that. Unfortunately many practitioners tend to treat one condition or the other, though you need the whole picture to fully understand what's really happening.

If you're interested, consider researching the 'cell danger response' - really eye opening and tied into so many forms of 'dis ease'.

 

[smaragdyne]

Thank you for reminding me of something to live for which ironically is my undying hatred and rage toward to the modern medical system. I lost someone, a girlfriend, to suicide because of the ramifications of unforeseen side effects due to a "routine" medical procedure that was completely unnecessary. All this is to say, I'm sympathetic toward your story.

Your commitment to your children is amenable to say the absolute least. But I can't even begin to give advice to you on that issue.

What I can do is share a bit of religious knowledge: suicide was very common in society before the 5th century A.D. It was generally seen as justifiable to commit suicide to avoid suffering or great dishonor. I read somewhere that apparently, early Christians (believing that suicide was a "shortcut" to heaven) were catching the bus so often that the early church was worried they would all die out. So in the 5th century A.D. St. Augustine wrote a book called The City of God and it condemned suicide as a sin.

I encourage you to read about this. It is my firm belief that you would NOT be punished for ending your suffering. I say this with the full understanding that I may be attempting to change your mind about the one thing stopping you from ending your life. But I believe it to be true and I'm compelled to tell you.

I really hope you can find a positive solution to your medical issues. But my optimism in the medical industry died years ago. I really hope God gives you a miracle that you obviously deserve.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are being tormented so unbearably in this existence, it truly sounds so horrific what you are going through. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[tinniman]

I feel you, I have pain hyperacusis & tinnitus and the only thing which keeps me here is my 4yr old daughter. Every single day I pray for a strength to be here for her for just one more day.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

I feel you, I have pain hyperacusis & tinnitus and the only thing which keeps me here is my 4yr old daughter. Every single day I pray for a strength to be here for her for just one more day.

I'm so very sorry. Hyperacusis alone is horrendous and I am sorry you are suffering with it. I do not have pain hyperacusis, only loudness hyperacusis and it's not at a severe level but enough that it adds to my distress.

I love my children but I don't want to do this anymore.....too many things hitting me. Too much for one person to take. I don't want suicide. I just want God to take me...... afraid to live like this, afraid to suicide. It's tormenting. I don't know how to explain but I feel that deep inside, that I am going to surrender to it because the suffering is too great.

I can't even lay in a "sick bed" and isolate...pins and needles burning when I lay. Can't distract, can't enjoy food, can't sleep, can't be still, can't engage, no moments of peace. Just suffering. Hell on earth.

Hang on for your daughter if you can. If you have quality of life otherwise, you can do it.

 

[tinniman]

I don't know how to explain but I feel that deep inside, that I am going to surrender to it because the suffering is too great.

I feel exactly the same and this feeling is horrible. Most of the day when i'm looking at my wife & my daughter i'm just imagining them without me when I'll ctb. I can't even enjoy time spent together. I feel like I'm only statically present for them.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm so very sorry. Hyperacusis alone is horrendous and I am sorry you are suffering with it. I do not have pain hyperacusis, only loudness hyperacusis and it's not at a severe level but enough that it adds to my distress.

I love my children but I don't want to do this anymore.....too many things hitting me. Too much for one person to take. I don't want suicide. I just want God to take me...... afraid to live like this, afraid to suicide. It's tormenting. I don't know how to explain but I feel that deep inside, that I am going to surrender to it because the suffering is too great.

I can't even lay in a "sick bed" and isolate...pins and needles burning when I lay. Can't distract, can't enjoy food, can't sleep, can't be still, can't engage, no moments of peace. Just suffering. Hell on earth.

Hang on for your daughter if you can. If you have quality of life otherwise, you can do it.

I imagine you feel you exhausted what you can get out of doctors. A common sentiment many of us with mysterious maladies reach. What did they all say though or recommend?

 

[suffering_mo_7]

I imagine you feel you exhausted what you can get out of doctors. A common sentiment many of us with mysterious maladies reach. What did they all say though or recommend

Neurologist has seen my symptoms but not all together, not from iron. Usually from chemotherapy, he said. Most people don't get "all" of these things. I was only given the option of medications that suck. They want to do an MRI but I am unable because of my ears... could make hyperacusis worse. Plus, treatment would be pretty much the same. The skin issue is called allodynia. It's hell on it's own.

Mental health wise...no one knows how to help either. They've not seen this either. Husband wants me to watch YouTube videos for anxiety, read spiritual books on suffering. That will "make it all better".

 

[smaragdyne]

@smaragdyne - deleted-

I personally believed both issues existed in the early Christian community but I may be oversimplifying with my explanation before. I suppose it would be more accurate to say the church hadn't "formalized" the stance on suicide until Augustine. I'm not exactly a theologist though so these are just my impressions. Lol. I'm certainly not a "good" Catholic. But I will be praying for you, I've already found myself doing so.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

I personally believed both issues existed in the early Christian community but I may be oversimplifying with my explanation before. I suppose it would be more accurate to say the church hadn't "formalized" the stance on suicide until Augustine. I'm not exactly a theologist though so these are just my impressions. Lol. I'm certainly not a "good" Catholic. But I will be praying for you, I've already found myself doing so.

Thank you. So scared.... scared to keep living like this, scared to suicide, scared to hurt my children, scared of hell. It's all unbearable. I feel like I am in the worst possible position.

I'm sorry to hear of your GF, btw. I read your story and that's heartbreaking. I don't know her state of mind but she must have been suffering so much. As out of my mind I feel at many times, sometimes even wanting to jump out of a moving car or step in front of one, I don't want to hurt others, including my children. I don't want them to see me in a way that they could never forget. I'm afraid to get to that desperate place, though. I am already there to an extent....I have seen others on here suffering similar to me with medical harm but having no good escape, having to go to dangerous and extreme measures because they just can't take it any longer....that Mom who jumped from the stadium seats at her own daughter's graduation comes to mind. She was likely psychiatric harmed and was obviously tortured. Now her daughter is not just traumatized by her mother's death, but that it was in such a way, all over the news, etc, etc. Just tragic. Tragic like my situation too.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

I feel exactly the same and this feeling is horrible. Most of the day when i'm looking at my wife & my daughter i'm just imagining them without me when I'll ctb. I can't even enjoy time spent together. I feel like I'm only statically present for them.

I'm so sorry. I have zero enjoyment....in anything Zero comfort , zero peace. I am barely present. More like a ghost they see every now and then. When they see me, I am not there.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Thank you for reminding me of something to live for which ironically is my undying hatred and rage toward to the modern medical system. I lost someone, a girlfriend, to suicide because of the ramifications of unforeseen side effects due to a "routine" medical procedure that was completely unnecessary. All this is to say, I'm sympathetic toward your story.

Your commitment to your children is amenable to say the absolute least. But I can't even begin to give advice to you on that issue.

What I can do is share a bit of religious knowledge: suicide was very common in society before the 5th century A.D. It was generally seen as justifiable to commit suicide to avoid suffering or great dishonor. I read somewhere that apparently, early Christians (believing that suicide was a "shortcut" to heaven) were catching the bus so often that the early church was worried they would all die out. So in the 5th century A.D. St. Augustine wrote a book called The City of God and it condemned suicide as a sin.

I encourage you to read about this. It is my firm belief that you would NOT be punished for ending your suffering. I say this with the full understanding that I may be attempting to change your mind about the one thing stopping you from ending your life. But I believe it to be true and I'm compelled to tell you.

I really hope you can find a positive solution to your medical issues. But my optimism

I personally believed both issues existed in the early Christian community but I may be oversimplifying with my explanation before. I suppose it would be more accurate to say the church hadn't "formalized" the stance on suicide until Augustine. I'm not exactly a theologist though so these are just my impressions. Lol. I'm certainly not a "good" Catholic. But I will be praying for you, I've already found myself doing so.

You make a good point about early Christianity. In the early days many of the zealots exhibited behavior that would be considered extreme self harm and at least borderline suicidal by todays standards. And then there's the extreme poor that would have taken "the good news" as their ticket out of a miserable life and just ctb to get to heaven right away. The church needed to standardize their message. I dislike the idea of eternal hell and don't rationally believe in it but it's like bad software the sits in the back of my mind whispering "what if?"