I'm unraveling too. I feel like I'm in a constant state of quiet panic. I have a dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart and breathing rate is higher than normal.
I jump out of my skin at the Slightest noise and have insomnia.
I haven't eaten in 4 days and I have big dark shadows under my eyes.
My plan was to save a bit more money to go to Mexico for N. But I don't even know if I even have the emotional resources to do that anymore.
So sorry you are going through this.
Life is hell for some of us.
I can relate to this unfortunately. The feeling of panic and jumping outta ones skin. Eating is so hard too. My condolences and I hope ur able to get even some liquid nourishment in.
Sometimes plans are best to be hold off until one settles in ways and it's unfortunate but in a sense necessary....
Sorry to hear your going through this as well. I hope/wish the world was easier on some of us.
It's almost 3am and all my attempts to get through this have ended up in me crying.
I had goals for today but I don't imagine ima get enough sleep for anything.
Sometimes it feels like my efforts to live backfire. It's just kinda really embarrassing at this point.
I feel like disappearing again. What's the point of that though.
Just listening to music and blankly but barly here. Maybe the buspar I took will help as it sometimes does in these moments. I just want to sleep.
Nothing rn in the past or future matters / not what im thinking about. Just very painfully present.
So in this present I just want the release of sleep.
Its almost 5am... I am settling a little body wise.... buspar helped a little and I am rereading a book I like that is kinda engaging me.
I am so disappointed because I really wanted to go the event today. As per usual though I do not per say have control over my own life. I feel like all my health issues are starting to/have been controlling me... but oh well I'm not really in the mood for the usual grief. I'm very... fed up.
I'm just going to focus on getting something to eat bc that'll probably allow me to sleep. Plus the buspar made me pretty hungry. Probs just have some cup ramen or nutella sandwich.
Im on the verge of tears at every moment rn so I'm just gonna... stop trying and just get by.
As I was typing this was able to get motivation to eat nutella sandwich and some snacks so gonna eat, game and hopefully fall asleep soon. I guess I'll just set up a message to the person to tell her I am too sleep deprived to go. Feeling like a failure but oh well least im getting by somehow for now.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna die. I just don't think I can live per say rn when the suicidality is so strong and I can just feel how unwell I am in a lot of ways. The way I think etc etc.
Im beyond capacity and I keep tryna get back to the flow but its not working. Dunno what im doing wrong anymore and honestly I'm not even per say sure what I'm doing right.
Welp today is gonna be a rest, sleep, avoid, distract etc kinda day.
The way I feel is hard to describe. Calm but at a level of despair that is hard to think about experiencing so often
Anyway. On to the eating, gaming and hopefully sleeping plan...
I can relate to this unfortunately. The feeling of panic and jumping outta ones skin. Eating is so hard too. My condolences and I hope ur able to get even some liquid nourishment in.
Sometimes plans are best to be hold off until one settles in ways and it's unfortunate but in a sense necessary....
Sorry to hear your going through this as well. I hope/wish the world was easier on some of us.
Its almost 5am... I am settling a little body wise.... buspar helped a little and I am rereading a book I like that is kinda engaging me.
I am so disappointed because I really wanted to go the event today. As per usual though I do not per say have control over my own life. I feel like all my health issues are starting to/have been controlling me... but oh well I'm not really in the mood for the usual grief. I'm very... fed up.
I'm just going to focus on getting something to eat bc that'll probably allow me to sleep. Plus the buspar made me pretty hungry. Probs just have some cup ramen or nutella sandwich.
Im on the verge of tears at every moment rn so I'm just gonna... stop trying and just get by.
As I was typing this was able to get motivation to eat nutella sandwich and some snacks so gonna eat, game and hopefully fall asleep soon. I guess I'll just set up a message to the person to tell her I am too sleep deprived to go. Feeling like a failure but oh well least im getting by somehow for now.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna die. I just don't think I can live per say rn when the suicidality is so strong and I can just feel how unwell I am in a lot of ways. The way I think etc etc.
Im beyond capacity and I keep tryna get back to the flow but its not working. Dunno what im doing wrong anymore and honestly I'm not even per say sure what I'm doing right.
Welp today is gonna be a rest, sleep, avoid, distract etc kinda day.
The way I feel is hard to describe. Calm but at a level of despair that is hard to think about experiencing so often
Anyway. On to the eating, gaming and hopefully sleeping plan...
Like a 10 min later update. Writing to keep sane enough tbh...
But I ate 2 sandwiches. Some chips and some gummies.
Feeling empty as hell. The kinda empty that isn't clouded but the kinda empty that makes sense. That has reasons and layers. The sun is rising and I am just starting to even touch levels of sleepiness. Im glad I guess the buspar/medication works at times but I'm so damn disappointed in everything.
I can't get over how much I wanted to go today and how I even asked someone for a ride and yet
here I am... gonna be stuck at home again. It's hard not to feel desolate. I hate my life rn. I'm sorry I just sound whiny but I hate so many parts of me that are so controlling in the ways in which I live. The mental & physical health.
Well today... I have none and I'm going to just sleep through the day. My body's soreness/ache is already settling in. I'll be in full pain in a few hours or so. So, mobility today is limited. Nothing new.
Well that's all for now. Gonna read until I can switch to a youtube playlist & sleep.
