Venting Trauma dumping on you bc I can

[iwanttodiee]

So my life was normal until I was 5 yo.
My sister has undiagnosed autism, so she hit us (me and my mother) even when we screamed her to stop, she attempted to murder us several times, specially my mother (I was the one who taked the knife out of her hands, because my mother was to scared that she did something to me). My mom was full of scars and marks, when my dad's cousins noticed their asked if it was him, and my mom told them the truth and their were in shocks, their started judging us, treating my mom like a bad mother when believe when I said she is the better mom I could ever have.
My sister constantly tried to kill herself, but she wasn't genuine, she tried with only a pill one time for example, just because I cut her hair out of anger after she hit me on the sofa several times that day. Once she tried to kill herself in front of her high school just so they kept her in there. Because she was about to being expulsed after hitting two girls with a desk.
She stopped when she was 21 and I was 14.
I am 18 right now.
And I am still traumatized.
My life is a mess, and nobody understands me, bc normally the abused ones are neurodivergents, not the abusers. So they invalid my experiences, telling me that I should forget and forgive her. Because she is family, she is female, she is autistic, etc.
And I'm just exhausted.
Her abuse messed my mental health, and made me and extremely toxic person, so I don't have long during friendships, since they cut me off.
I'm alone, I'm toxic, I'm depressed, I'm traumatized. I'm suicidal.

 

[FuneralCry]

That just sounds like a really awful situation to be in, and it must had been horrific going through all that. It makes sense why you would feel so exhausted, the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this. Life really is too cruel.

 

[Samsara]

So my life was normal until I was 5 yo.
My sister has undiagnosed autism, so she hit us (me and my mother) even when we screamed her to stop, she attempted to murder us several times, specially my mother (I was the one who taked the knife out of her hands, because my mother was to scared that she did something to me). My mom was full of scars and marks, when my dad's cousins noticed their asked if it was him, and my mom told them the truth and their were in shocks, their started judging us, treating my mom like a bad mother when believe when I said she is the better mom I could ever have.
My sister constantly tried to kill herself, but she wasn't genuine, she tried with only a pill one time for example, just because I cut her hair out of anger after she hit me on the sofa several times that day. Once she tried to kill herself in front of her high school just so they kept her in there. Because she was about to being expulsed after hitting two girls with a desk.
She stopped when she was 21 and I was 14.
I am 18 right now.
And I am still traumatized.
My life is a mess, and nobody understands me, bc normally the abused ones are neurodivergents, not the abusers. So they invalid my experiences, telling me that I should forget and forgive her. Because she is family, she is female, she is autistic, etc.
And I'm just exhausted.
Her abuse messed my mental health, and made me and extremely toxic person, so I don't have long during friendships, since they cut me off.
I'm alone, I'm toxic, I'm depressed, I'm traumatized. I'm suicidal.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this, it sounds like you've suffered unimaginably and because your siblings' issues were more overt in terms of being expressed behaviorally, you've suffered in silence. I do want to emphasize that with what you've described, you sound incredibly resilient, though you may not feel that way. No child should be put in a situation where they need to protect their mother, nevertheless by a sibling who attempts to murder their mother in such a violent way. I hope things get better for you and I'm always willing to listen in PMs.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I'm very sorry that you had to go through that. I can well understand how the trauma of such experiences could linger and affect your life.

It won't be easy, but you are young enough that there's a chance you could, if not heal from this, then at least be able to accept it and take a step forward. I really think if possible you should try to get some therapy to help you come to terms with it all.

Of course, I know that's very easy to say. And I want you know that I'm in no way trying to minimise or take away from the pain you're feeling. Nor am I saying that being younger makes things any easier, because I know that's not how it works.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It does take strength to do that.