Venting trapped

[clocktower]

hello. i'm new to the site but definitely not new to waiting at bus stops. i've had urges to ctb since the age of 13 (now 23) but i've been more seriously wanting to go through with it recently.

the last few months of my life have been nothing short of hell. i was already suffering with severe mental illness but in late december last year my OCD started becoming truly unbearable. the intrusive thoughts are so repulsive i can't bear being awake. i sleep days and days away. i dread being conscious. this has especially come as a smack in the face as i had finally found the resolve to get my life together. i've been a shut in since age 14 after dropping out of school due to extreme bullying. i'm a friendless, talentless, skillless autistic neet — a disgusting waste of oxygen. just when i decided enough is enough and started making improvements my ocd decided to do this to me. i give up. i can't take anymore. evidently i'm not made for this world. i've tried for years and years, trying to keep afloat to make my mother happy. not anymore. i don't even care about how my family would feel anymore. the pain is just too great. i'm desperate to ctb.

the problem is, i live with an extremely protective mother who has hidden absolutely everything remotely dangerous in the house and rules over my medication with an iron fist. i don't even have any means of ordering things online myself. everything goes through her. i feel so suffocated and angry. i used to love her more than anything but now i just feel resentment. why does she - a person with a perfectly healthy normally functioning brain - get to decide whether i live or die? it isn't "protecting" me, it's prolonging my suffering. it makes me sad and angry that i'm not meant to be here no matter how much i tried to fit into the puzzle. it does. but i've also accepted it now. i'm ready to ctb, but i can't even have the comfort of that. i feel like i'm being kept alive like a sick lab experiment just so she doesn't feel upset. if she had to spend even a minute in my body with my mind that constantly attacks me she'd realise how selfish she's being.

don't know what to do, or what this post even achieves. just needed to get it out

 

[Philosykos]

Welcome to SS, clocktower.

I'm very sorry to read that life has been so unkind to you. I can relate to your story of being tormented by poor mental health, trying to turn over a new leaf to give it another chance only to have life throw you a very mean curveball, that straw that broke the camel's back. Even the timing lines up almost perfectly. I understand the feeling of hopelessness in times of such adversity, especially when they seem to never let up but only get worse. I am truly very sorry something like this is happening to you and has been for so long.

Without knowing your mother, the general mindset behind such behaviour is the conviction that one helps people by keeping them alive, a belief that things will always get better in time, that it's always darkest before the dawn. It's a lack of understanding which in itself is understandable I think; I, for one, cannot truly internalise what it's like to have that will to live, the belief that everything will get better. I didn't lose it somewhere along the way either, I just never had it. It's very difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes in such situations. Again, I don't know your mother, so this might be completely off, but generally speaking, such behaviour comes from a place of caring and love. Just my two pence.

 

[Close_to_freedom]

My ocd is also a big factor for me. I can't hide my compulsions in public anymore. I'm always checking my hands and clothes to make sure I didn't get something on them. People think I'm a freak.