DrownedOctopus
Experienced
- Mar 2, 2019
- 246
I'm at a loss for words. There are none to describe how strangled I feel because I'm trapped living a life I never wanted.
My plans have gone to waste, and not because I've failed but because my daughter very well could have a serious immune disorder.
Every other day or so she's screaming in pain and can no longer walk. It's been months of doctors brushing it off until finally someone took it seriously and referred her to a specialist.
Nobody knows what is wrong with her, but if it's what runs in my family then she's facing major surgery at best. At best. And that's AFTER testing and testing and testing and ruling everything else out first. I've seen it happen to my family, and I worry she'll have to go through it too.
I'm terrified for her, and I feel so incredibly guilty my genes could have given this to her. I feel like a shit mother, a shit person, because I couldn't protect her from this—that I'm the reason she's suffering.
I couldn't even start my plans because she was in the hospital. And I feel so damn disgusted with myself for being upset over it. I am. Incredibly upset to not have the opportunity I thought I would, and I'm disgusted I'm sitting here feeling sorry over it when my child is suffering so much. But I can't help feeling like I just need to rip myself apart from the inside out until there's nothing left. Until I'm a writhing pile of bloodied up dying flesh.
Several weeks I've been battling demons, thinking I should just go through with my plans anyways because it won't matter once I'm gone. So much of myself doesn't even care anymore.
Yet here I am, doting on a child in so much pain her life gets put on hold. Everything gets put on hold. Everything.
And as long as part of me still cares about her being in pain, I'm stuck here.
I can't leave her when she's like that.
My husband has been great through it, he's been my rock...He knows I'd have tried again to ctb had our daughter not been stuck in the hospital.
I know it stresses him out. I feel so guilty for contributing to his stress and worry, but I can't truthfully give him the peace of mind he wants.
I won't lie about that, we both agreed that's something we always have to be up front and honest about..but I think some days he wants me to lie just so he can have a day to breathe.
Sometimes I find myself wanting the same from him.
Sorry for such a long vent. It's been several weeks of bottling everything up and drowning in it.
My plans have gone to waste, and not because I've failed but because my daughter very well could have a serious immune disorder.
Every other day or so she's screaming in pain and can no longer walk. It's been months of doctors brushing it off until finally someone took it seriously and referred her to a specialist.
Nobody knows what is wrong with her, but if it's what runs in my family then she's facing major surgery at best. At best. And that's AFTER testing and testing and testing and ruling everything else out first. I've seen it happen to my family, and I worry she'll have to go through it too.
I'm terrified for her, and I feel so incredibly guilty my genes could have given this to her. I feel like a shit mother, a shit person, because I couldn't protect her from this—that I'm the reason she's suffering.
I couldn't even start my plans because she was in the hospital. And I feel so damn disgusted with myself for being upset over it. I am. Incredibly upset to not have the opportunity I thought I would, and I'm disgusted I'm sitting here feeling sorry over it when my child is suffering so much. But I can't help feeling like I just need to rip myself apart from the inside out until there's nothing left. Until I'm a writhing pile of bloodied up dying flesh.
Several weeks I've been battling demons, thinking I should just go through with my plans anyways because it won't matter once I'm gone. So much of myself doesn't even care anymore.
Yet here I am, doting on a child in so much pain her life gets put on hold. Everything gets put on hold. Everything.
And as long as part of me still cares about her being in pain, I'm stuck here.
I can't leave her when she's like that.
My husband has been great through it, he's been my rock...He knows I'd have tried again to ctb had our daughter not been stuck in the hospital.
I know it stresses him out. I feel so guilty for contributing to his stress and worry, but I can't truthfully give him the peace of mind he wants.
I won't lie about that, we both agreed that's something we always have to be up front and honest about..but I think some days he wants me to lie just so he can have a day to breathe.
Sometimes I find myself wanting the same from him.
Sorry for such a long vent. It's been several weeks of bottling everything up and drowning in it.
