Sad_Autistic_boy_101
When I die, you'll love me.
- Nov 19, 2019
- 453
Hey Peeps,
I know that I post a lot. This is due to the community making me feel listened and acknowledged for once in my life, but please tell me if I am annoying.
My mental health is deteriorating rapidly, as a lot of you are aware, I lost my best friend/ father figure to suicide. Someone who I admired and was the only person there for me in actual person. He was the first person who I spoke to about things that happened to me as a child that has completely messed me up as an adult. Dealing with a lot of diagnosis's is exhausting. It's never ending. I don't know how to deal with any of them. Now I have no one to talk to about them in person and it's so hard.
I did tell my therapist how I have been feeling/ thinking but let's be honest, it's never going to get better, I don't see a way out a part from CTBing. Just feels impossible to accomplish CTB in the UK. In the USA it seems like you can order SN from anywhere and you have access to firearms which is illegal here. I just feel trapped living. I don't know how my friend did it or I would follow his method. My spontaneous brain is terrible as killing itself, I spent the day thinking about chugging cough mixture but I know even that won't kill me, it would just land me in hospital with family around me blaming me and they would tell me i'm selfish.
The only way to numb the pain is by drinking or taking a cocktail of drugs that aren't lethal but just numbs my brain to stop me from thinking.
I wake up everyday but I have no purpose anymore, everyone in person just leaves me. Everyone says that they need to think of themselves, so ctbing is my way of thinking of myself. To would stop the pain and trauma in my brain. Being autistic is hell. I feel to stupid to CTB as I don't understand some of methods. Or I do understand them but have greater difficulty accessing the things due to not being able to do some things independently.
I wish that euthanasia was legal in the Uk, as it's torture being alive. I didn't ask to be born, I wish that I hadn't been born.
This corona virus gives me hope. I know it has a lower death rate but I am at increased risk because I have problems with my lungs and have medical conditions.
I get jealous of seeing people post their goodbye posts on here as I wish that I was in that position, I see people, from the Uk talk about SN but I cannot find it anywhere. Everyday is just another day breathing for no reason.
It's annoying as I have worked hard on a SN schedule and have a checklist of things I want to do before I die, it isn't long at all. I also conjured up a graph for reasons to stay and reasons to die, I could only think of two reasons to live but 23 reason's to CTB. I have put a lot of thought into this.
I used to be worried about hurting the people around me from my death but it makes perfect sense that i'm a burden to them. Once I am gone then they won't have to be carer's anymore which they complain about. They can finally live their lives and go on holiday and do things that they have always wanted to do that they blame me for stopping them doing.
CTBing gives me hope, I believe in the afterlife and reincarnation, so I can be reunited with him and also maybe have a fresh start at life if I am reincarnated. I know that not many people believe that type of stuff.
I apologize for my long rant. I'll still be waking up everyday for no reason, trapped in this hell hole because I can't find SN or am to stupid to work out how to CTB.
I know that I post a lot. This is due to the community making me feel listened and acknowledged for once in my life, but please tell me if I am annoying.
My mental health is deteriorating rapidly, as a lot of you are aware, I lost my best friend/ father figure to suicide. Someone who I admired and was the only person there for me in actual person. He was the first person who I spoke to about things that happened to me as a child that has completely messed me up as an adult. Dealing with a lot of diagnosis's is exhausting. It's never ending. I don't know how to deal with any of them. Now I have no one to talk to about them in person and it's so hard.
I did tell my therapist how I have been feeling/ thinking but let's be honest, it's never going to get better, I don't see a way out a part from CTBing. Just feels impossible to accomplish CTB in the UK. In the USA it seems like you can order SN from anywhere and you have access to firearms which is illegal here. I just feel trapped living. I don't know how my friend did it or I would follow his method. My spontaneous brain is terrible as killing itself, I spent the day thinking about chugging cough mixture but I know even that won't kill me, it would just land me in hospital with family around me blaming me and they would tell me i'm selfish.
The only way to numb the pain is by drinking or taking a cocktail of drugs that aren't lethal but just numbs my brain to stop me from thinking.
I wake up everyday but I have no purpose anymore, everyone in person just leaves me. Everyone says that they need to think of themselves, so ctbing is my way of thinking of myself. To would stop the pain and trauma in my brain. Being autistic is hell. I feel to stupid to CTB as I don't understand some of methods. Or I do understand them but have greater difficulty accessing the things due to not being able to do some things independently.
I wish that euthanasia was legal in the Uk, as it's torture being alive. I didn't ask to be born, I wish that I hadn't been born.
This corona virus gives me hope. I know it has a lower death rate but I am at increased risk because I have problems with my lungs and have medical conditions.
I get jealous of seeing people post their goodbye posts on here as I wish that I was in that position, I see people, from the Uk talk about SN but I cannot find it anywhere. Everyday is just another day breathing for no reason.
It's annoying as I have worked hard on a SN schedule and have a checklist of things I want to do before I die, it isn't long at all. I also conjured up a graph for reasons to stay and reasons to die, I could only think of two reasons to live but 23 reason's to CTB. I have put a lot of thought into this.
I used to be worried about hurting the people around me from my death but it makes perfect sense that i'm a burden to them. Once I am gone then they won't have to be carer's anymore which they complain about. They can finally live their lives and go on holiday and do things that they have always wanted to do that they blame me for stopping them doing.
CTBing gives me hope, I believe in the afterlife and reincarnation, so I can be reunited with him and also maybe have a fresh start at life if I am reincarnated. I know that not many people believe that type of stuff.
I apologize for my long rant. I'll still be waking up everyday for no reason, trapped in this hell hole because I can't find SN or am to stupid to work out how to CTB.
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