I just spent the afternoon playing with two of my nephews, they're 4 and 5 and pretty awesome. They're perfectly honest as only kids can be and they clearly like me a lot. Unfortunately about 6 months ago my youngest brother (their father) was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and he and his girlfriend (the boys' mother) recently split up after yet another fight, he had drunk too much and threatened suicide... All this in front of his two sons.
My brother/their father struggled with addiction and behavioural problems since he was a teenager and tried to commit suicide when he was in his early twenties, he nearly succeeded. He never finished high school due to his inability to maintain any sort of discipline. Inspite of all this he stil decided it was a good idea to procreate, especially in this case an extremely selfish decision imo. He claims he decided to have children in what he described as 'a manic state' (really, twice?). He loves his children I think but he's suicidal and speaks about this openly.
It's clear my two nephews will be affected by this horrible mess in some way and I hate it as they're perfectly innocent and don't deserve this. Their father's a mentally unstable wreck with an alcohol problem and a death wish (he's in a mental hospital as a voluntary patient) and their mother is a selfish bitch that can't be reasoned with and tries to exploit my brother's vulnerable state to get the better of the situation financially.
Today both of my nephews came to me for a hug. I tried to comfort them as best I could.
Obviously I'm just one of their uncles (they have quite a lot of other family-members) but the thought of hurting them by my death breaks my heart.
I wish I had done it before they were born or during the period they weren't really conscious of anyone. Clearly I had nothing to do with them coming into this world and I'm not responsible for them but I still feel an obligation towards them (ad minimum: do no harm). No to mention my other two nephews by my other brother (luckily his relationship with his girlfriend is stable), one of which is my godson. How could I have been so stupid to accept that responsiblity knowing full well I've suffered so much and always considered suicide an acceptable way out?
How the hell am I supposed to deal with this? I can live (oh the irony) with the knowledge of hurting my mother, other family-members and even my friends but these four young boys did nothing to deserve having to hear their uncle offed himself and having to deal with the fall-out of that. Imagine one of them ends up as fucked-up as me and thinks back on my death and decides it's a good idea...
I am truly and utterly fucked. I don't want to feel like a complete ass and a miserable moral failure if I do decide I need to leave this world. Which is my goddamn, bloody right as I didn't ask to be here, I didn't ask to suffer so much and I sure as hell didn't ask to be put in a situation where I have to choose between life and death.
I consciously decided never to have children even though this cost me the relationship with the love of my life, I did the right thing and I'm still fucked. Unless I manage to find a way to make life worth living again no matter how one looks at this someone is going to get screwed. Either me having to stay due to having a stupid conscience or my nephews when I CTB... What a rotten, fucked-up, miserable world is this?
I can't describe how shitty this feels.
Is anyone in a similar situation? If so how do you deal with it?
My brother/their father struggled with addiction and behavioural problems since he was a teenager and tried to commit suicide when he was in his early twenties, he nearly succeeded. He never finished high school due to his inability to maintain any sort of discipline. Inspite of all this he stil decided it was a good idea to procreate, especially in this case an extremely selfish decision imo. He claims he decided to have children in what he described as 'a manic state' (really, twice?). He loves his children I think but he's suicidal and speaks about this openly.
It's clear my two nephews will be affected by this horrible mess in some way and I hate it as they're perfectly innocent and don't deserve this. Their father's a mentally unstable wreck with an alcohol problem and a death wish (he's in a mental hospital as a voluntary patient) and their mother is a selfish bitch that can't be reasoned with and tries to exploit my brother's vulnerable state to get the better of the situation financially.
Today both of my nephews came to me for a hug. I tried to comfort them as best I could.
Obviously I'm just one of their uncles (they have quite a lot of other family-members) but the thought of hurting them by my death breaks my heart.
I wish I had done it before they were born or during the period they weren't really conscious of anyone. Clearly I had nothing to do with them coming into this world and I'm not responsible for them but I still feel an obligation towards them (ad minimum: do no harm). No to mention my other two nephews by my other brother (luckily his relationship with his girlfriend is stable), one of which is my godson. How could I have been so stupid to accept that responsiblity knowing full well I've suffered so much and always considered suicide an acceptable way out?
How the hell am I supposed to deal with this? I can live (oh the irony) with the knowledge of hurting my mother, other family-members and even my friends but these four young boys did nothing to deserve having to hear their uncle offed himself and having to deal with the fall-out of that. Imagine one of them ends up as fucked-up as me and thinks back on my death and decides it's a good idea...
I am truly and utterly fucked. I don't want to feel like a complete ass and a miserable moral failure if I do decide I need to leave this world. Which is my goddamn, bloody right as I didn't ask to be here, I didn't ask to suffer so much and I sure as hell didn't ask to be put in a situation where I have to choose between life and death.
I consciously decided never to have children even though this cost me the relationship with the love of my life, I did the right thing and I'm still fucked. Unless I manage to find a way to make life worth living again no matter how one looks at this someone is going to get screwed. Either me having to stay due to having a stupid conscience or my nephews when I CTB... What a rotten, fucked-up, miserable world is this?
I can't describe how shitty this feels.
Is anyone in a similar situation? If so how do you deal with it?
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