Venting Trapped at all levels

[M.i.245541]

This is my first message here, bare with me if it's too long or boring.

I was kind-of happy person before, always optimistic, making plans for the future. But in the last 2 years, my work became extremely toxic and I didn't realise how bad it was impacting me until very recently (2-3 months ago) when my burn-out became too painful to avoid. Suddenly, I looked at myself and realised how unhappy I am, how short tempered I became and how negatively I see the world. Worst part is these waves of stress/anxiety/fear/hopelessness that come frequently each time I think about the future. I'm trying to find a new job but it's not easy. Until then, I am fighing this pain and panic and trying to stay afloat but it is becoming harder and harder. I'm making my family miserable and dragging them down with me. If I loose my current job and can't find a new one, we will have real financial difficulties. And even when I try to think positively, and project myself in a new job, I still see the dark clouds around me and can't seem to find any hope.

I want to ctb, it will end this misery and set my family financially. But there are 2 reasons that are holding me. One is that I have to wait 2 more months for my life insurance to work and the second reason is that it's very difficult to find ways to ctb in my country.

I feel trapped, at work, with my family, and not even able to choose the ctb method I would like. I don't know how to carry forward with those negative waves coming more and more frequently... And I don't know how to stop it

 

[Famous Last Words]

Two years in a stressful and toxic work environment is a really long time. The body responds to being trapped in a flight or fight (or freeze) situation like this by releasing a barrage of stress hormones - an acute stress response that tells your body there's an imminent threat and to prepare for danger.

If you're constantly in this heightendd state of stress, it's going to cause a tonne of other health issues due to a weakened immune system, lack of sleep etc. That's before you even get to mental health side. Everything looks bleak and hopeless because you're unable to think about anything beyond the imminent threat to your safety and wellbeing, Whether this threat is real or perceived, it doesn't make a difference - the body responds to it the same. It's like the future doesn't exist because you can't think expansively, coming up with exciting ideas and plans. All your energy is taken up with dealing with the threat, like defending yourself with imaginary conversations about things that haven't even happened.

It's no surprise thoughts of ending it have started creeping in. It's almost an inevitable outcome of the stress you're under and when you're feeling trapped and completely out of options, the mind will create options, no matter how dark and unthinkable it may have been previously. It's so difficult because the longer it continues, the harder it is to climb out. Finding another job is hard because you carry the fear and stress with you and human beings can often sense this in each other, the fear and anxiety, no matter how much we try to cover it up.

The other option is to change your circumstances but that involves changing your state of mind first. And this feels near on impossible when you're so fragile from the effects of the previous two years. You would need to find strength from someone or somewhere and a tiny ray of light in the darkness. It seems though, if you're a person who knows what it's like to be happy and optimistic, then it's not beyond the realms of possibility that you could eventually become that person again, even though it might seem very difficult now? Are you able to talk to your family about what you're experiencing? Is there anyone you can talk to who is on your side? Your response to your situation is completely natural and there's no shame in the fact that you're struggling to cope.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very stressful and unbearable what you are going through. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. Feeling like you are trapped really is such an awful feeling. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

 

[Hawthorne]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I can relate to the job seeking struggle and I really feel your pain there. The job application process is a farce and personally made me feel gross. You have to pretend to be someone else. It's not ideal. It's soul-destroying. I went through it four years ago when trying to get out of my toxic previous job. All I can encourage you to do is to just keep trying. Getting out of that toxic situation is survival and I know you can do it. I really feel for you, I know how difficult it can be.

 

[M.i.245541]

The issue is that I can't even foresee myself be happy ever again, even if I manage to leave my toxic job. It's like something is broken inside me.
My therapist said that my brain has been rewired in this negative thinking and that I have to learn to think differently again to change it. I don't know if it's true or BS. Did anyone had a similar experience?
Until than, I'm still in my horrible job getting these waves of hopelessness where I just wnat to lay down and sleep but I can't...

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My brain was always harboring dark foreboding thoughts but after heartbreak and collapse I'm totally rewired to fear and failure - getting back to any measure of hope and success would be near impossible …

 

[M.i.245541]

I have managed to feel positive for the past few days. But today, this big wave of hopelessness came crushing. I barely can function, I just want to lay down and end it all.
And I don't seem to find any easy method of ctb.
I wish I could numb all these feelings and disappear into oblivion

 

[Klo]

The issue is that I can't even foresee myself be happy ever again, even if I manage to leave my toxic job. It's like something is broken inside me.
My therapist said that my brain has been rewired in this negative thinking and that I have to learn to think differently again to change it. I don't know if it's true or BS. Did anyone had a similar experience?
Until than, I'm still in my horrible job getting these waves of hopelessness where I just wnat to lay down and sleep but I can't...

It is possible to think differently again. Have you ever seen stage lights in a theater. You can put different color films on them to change the light and I've experienced mental health the same way. Just because your shade is negative right now does not mean it can't change. Sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you.

 

[M.i.245541]

It is possible to think differently again. Have you ever seen stage lights in a theater. You can put different color films on them to change the light and I've experienced mental health the same way. Just because your shade is negative right now does not mean it can't change. Sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you.

I guess I can understand and accept that it's possible but I can't see myself ever changing the dark shade that coulds my view. I feel that everything is just getting worst and worst every day. And when I have a good day, the following day is a worst let down. Like yesterday was not bad, didn't have that horrible feeling hitting me. But since this morning, I feel a black hole swallowing me and I can't do anything to escape it. Just want to ctb, but I don't even have access to a decent method of ctb.

 

[Klo]

I guess I can understand and accept that it's possible but I can't see myself ever changing the dark shade that coulds my view. I feel that everything is just getting worst and worst every day. And when I have a good day, the following day is a worst let down. Like yesterday was not bad, didn't have that horrible feeling hitting me. But since this morning, I feel a black hole swallowing me and I can't do anything to escape it. Just want to ctb, but I don't even have access to a decent method of ctb.

Sorry you are dealing with this and it sounds like you are really struggling. I didn't mean to be toxically positive. I just have experienced changes as easy changing the shade on a light. I'm right there with you right now feeling more suicidal than ever. It is not a good feeling for us to live this way and it seems really cruel that most people don't care that people suffer this way. I hope things get better for you or that you find peace whichever way you can.

 

[M.i.245541]

I didn't take it as toxic ally positive, no worry!
On the contrary, there is of course a part of me that wish and hope that I can go back to my happy self, be optimistic about life and enjoy my time in this life like I used to. But looking at it from down the hole, the climb seems impossible. But it's good to know that it is possible to make it. As of now, I don't feel like I could/want. I'm also wondering how much more it will take me to reach that point where I will want to ctb even with a non peaceful method. Until then, I just have to keep suffering and struggling.
The worst part of all this is the form this pain takes. It goes away, gives you the impression that you could hope and then it comes rushing and engulfs me into this feeling of deep hopelessness, void, sadness, guilt. I have been feeling that for the past 2 hours, I can't do anything but come to this website hoping to read about a miracle ctb method.

 

[M.i.245541]

After few days of relative peace, today was one of those days where I couldn't stop spiralling down. And there is this constant feeling of hopelessness, that anything I will ever do will not make much difference and that my life is doomed.
It's strange how I know from the moment I wake up that I'm going to have a horrible day. The bad news start and keep coming. And the only thing I can think of is the need to crawl into my bed and sleep, hopefully forever. But I can't even do that, I have to continue being functional for the sake of my family. I have to keep standing and pretending that I'm good which is of course even more painful. And in all this, I am wondering why I'm doing it, and how I will ever get away from it. Is this how being bipolar feels?
My ctb plans are not progressing, each time I think I have found a good plan, I am faced with a blocking point. I just feel soooo trapped without any hope of a way out.
Life sucks!

 

[M.i.245541]

I thought that the negative feelings are coming and going and I have at least one day in between. Today is 2nd consecutive day, I really wonder how I managed to leave my bed, go to the office and do some work. I feel crushed, no hope of ever being happy and that I'm letting down my family. I tried to look for a job to start afresh, new lifestyle, new mindset but it failed miserably. I'm stuck in my miserable job and I lost all hopes to ever be able to escape it. I'm 40, I look ahead of me and there are so many years left to live, where I have to keep carrying all my responsibilities and pain. My therapist tells me to look at the positive, that my life is lot that bad and in theory he's not wrong. But in my heart, I feel that I'm broken, I see only problems and pain. I don't know how to fix this broken mind of mine. I wish I could go back in time, few years ago where I had such a positive outlook on life

I wish I could have a heart attack and die on the spot but I'm not that lucky. I will probably leave a very looooong life if I don't ctb myself but I can't seem to find the method of choice yet.

Anyway, I'm mumbling to myself, it helps a bit to write down my frustration.

 

[M.i.245541]

Continuing my self monologue
My anxiety started from a work burnout. But now it seems to run wild, I can't control it anymore. And it going beyond work. Now thinking about how the time passes, how I'm missing on things will trigger it. My financial commitments will trigger it. Basically, I have more and more triggers and the effect is getting worse than before. What used to be negative waves are now morphing into some kind of panic attacks. Again, I am amazed that I can still give the illusion of functioning...
On the positive side, I have concluded that all nice ctb methods are blocked in my country. I'm accepting that the only workable solution is full hanging. I can now start working on implementing it if things keep getting worse

 

[M.i.245541]

Why does depression feel like roller coasters, with good moments and crashing ones. Why can't it be continuous pain so that you don't have to suffer the drop each time. This morning I was almost happy, had some positive thoughts, felt almost like the good old times. And then, as fast as that optimism came, it went away and the hopelessness came with a vengeance. I can't wait to go home, crawl into bed and sleep. If only the sleep was for good and I didn't have to wake up ever again.
This feeling of hopelessness, panic and guilt is excruciating. I so want to ctb but I know that it must be planned properly. How to keep going until I'm ready

 

[M.i.245541]

I have tried to not post for few days, see whether my mental state changes. Unfortunately, it doesn't. I noticed that even when I'm not dealing with anxiety, I feel empty waiting for it to come back. It's like I don't know anymore how to enjoy the good and peaceful times. When I have such good times, I just keep waiting for the wave of negative feelings to come to me, and of course, it does come sooner than later. So now I have only bad times and times where I'm waiting for bad times. It sucks, it sucks very badly. I look around me and see people going about their days and life and I feel so envious. Why can't my mind stop and let me be. I want to enjoy the tv shows I'm watching, the time I'm spending with my family, the food I like. Instead, I do all those things to keep pretenting that I am well while I'm agonising inside. And I can't talk to anyone around me, I feel so alone in my misery. My therapist teaches me techniques to cope with anxiety but it doesn't work and I can't share with him that I'm too far gone so I pretend that I'm doing reasonably well. Lucky I can lurk in this forum and write on this post, my public little diary.

And beside anxiety, now I have this melancholy that is there and making me feel even more sad. I can't stop thinking about the good times I had in my life and how I didn't treasure them like I should. Why didn't I not enjoy my teens, 20s or 30s when life was simple and my view of the world was so positive? What bad decisions did I make to end up in this position?

I can't think of any solution but to ctb. The only method I have access to is full suspension but it doesn't sound like a pleasant way to go. I looked into the toxic gas, will have to try to see if it could work. But regardless, knowing that I will ctb eventually doesn't bring me the peace it used to be, just more sadness and guilt. So I figured that I'm not ready yet. Maybe I can try anti depression pills. I don't know if they would help make life more bearable until I'm ready mentally to ctb.

 

[M.i.245541]

Continuing on my public diary

I am so exhausted of everything. I want to take a day off work to go for a long walk or sleep or spend time with family but I can't. My time is always limited, stressful, scary. My wife blames me for lacking empathy to listen to her problems but it feel that my plate is so full, anymore and I will just ctb on the spot. I don't know how to explain to her that I am just trying to protect the little sanity that I have left.

These past 2 days have been very tough. The anxiety is present all the time, I didn't have a single break to breath. I really feel like I'm going to go mad in my own twisted mind. I keep thinking about the choices I mad, why I ended up here and what I could have done differently. I also dream of a simple life but I wouldn't know how to achieve it anyway.

Any why is it that the thought of ctb made me feel almost happy a couple of weeks ago and now it makes me feel guilty and bad.
I'm just so miserable and I don't see any solution, even a temporary relief. I dream of having a heart attack and be done with everything but unlucky how I am, this kind of sweet release will not ever happen to me. Life sucks!

 

[M.i.245541]

For the past 2 weeks, I have tried to feel better. For some days, it almost worked. I focused on the positive, ignore the negative, live in the present and all the advices given by my therapist. But behind it all, the truth is that I was miserable, empty, tired and not seeing a way out. Yes, there were moments where I forgot those negative feelings but they tend to come back with a vengeance. Today I am too tired to fight and pretend, it's a Monday, a week that doesn't look promising at all.
I do not have to energy nor the will to keep going. When I believe that something good can happen, it is quickly dampened and I realise that it was wishful thinking.
Why do I have to keep struggling and suffering, what is the point. I'm tired to have this cloud over me all the time. And in the moments where I do jot have these negative feelings, I ask myself what is the point. What is the point of living, of fighting to have a bit of happiness but at what cost. How much unhappiness does one have to deal with to carve happy moments, not that I am able to do that for now.
Looking at other people, I wonder why they don't feel like I do. What did I do wrong to end up in this position? Why can't I be like most, why do I have this painful node all the time. Why do I get so overwhelmed that I just want to hide and sleep. I see people joyfully when they have a slimmer of hope while I spirale like crazy just because I read an article about the US economy (I'm not even living there!). Everything triggersme, everything is a reson for me to feel worse and worse.
And yet, I can't seem to be able to decide on a ctb method as all the nice ones are not doable in my country.
I just want to go bakc to bed and sleep and watch brainless shows to keep me from thinking. But I can't even do that, I have to go to office, pretend that I am functioning and suffer in silence.