redisblue
"cut me clean, till i can't think anymore."
- Feb 12, 2023
- 135
Massive trigger warning for transphobia and all of the recent talk about transgender issues - hearing about this stuff upsets me and I'm probably not the only one, so feel free to skip reading this if you wish.
I'm sure most people have heard about all of the trans bills being passed and being talked about; all the transgender deaths, suicides and hate crimes that seem to just be getting worse as each day passes. I see a lot of this on social media, and recently anytime I open up any social app or open the comments of any lgbtq+ themed video, I see people saying the most horrible shit about trans people - saying how they wish we were all dead, that we deserve to die, how we shouldn't have access to healthcare and all of the same shit I've been hearing for years about how "if you're born a girl, you're a girl!! I will always see you that way!!" I wish they would all shut up, I'm so tired of all of this hatred. We just want to live our lives, yet people are so offended by our existence. When I figured out I was trans at the age of around 13, I kept it quiet and sort of just avoided anything trans related, for a while I had toxic mindsets as well, but over the past couple of years, everything is starting to get to me more. It's probably due to the transphobic bullying I got in the last years of high school. I came out at 15 to my friends, then the rest of the school found out when I was 17. Some people were okay with it, others not. The funny thing about it though, is that a few other transgender people did not like me being trans. One kid in particular who identified as non-binary and used they/them pronouns had a weird issue with me being trans. We were friends for around a year and a half, the friendship was incredibly toxic, I thought that they had changed after they apologised for bullying me but no, they had not changed. They started to bully me and make me feel dysphoric towards the end of our friendship, so I blocked them and called the friendship quits. Only a few days later, rumours were spreading about me, and the one that hurt the most was that I wasn't actually a boy, that I wasn't trans and that I still went by my deadname. They told people not to call me my chosen name and correct pronouns, despite this person literally also being trans. This was just over a year ago before we left high school. I'm now in college, I haven't contacted this person since. I heard recently that this person is still doing the same thing, they are so convinced that I'm not a boy and are so set on making sure it's known that they think that. Ever since, transphobia has gotten to me a lot more. When something happens to me, sometimes it takes a while and a lot of build up for it to start actually taking a negative effect on me, and I think that's what has happened with me being trans. I ignored it all for years, all the misgendering and all the dysphoria, until all my effort to get people to respect my identity was fucking destroyed by some bitch who was offended that I didn't want to be friends with their toxic ass anymore. Now, with all these bills and the hatred of trans people rising, it's making me more dysphoric than ever. I've always had pretty bad dysphoria, but for the past few months it's been at it's highest I would say. I don't understand why people hate us, why they won't let us live like normal beings. My mental illness and trauma used to be my sole reason for wanting to ctb, but for the past while now, just being trans makes me want to end it. I don't want to give them what they want, but I can't take it anymore. I just want to be accepted by the people around me. People in my college class have expressed even worse transphobic views than people at high school, so I'm genuinely terrified to come out. I want to so desperately, but I know things will just get worse. It's all so complicated. I shouldn't have to be upset over this. I shouldn't have to be suicidal because of this. The more I type, the more I realise how this has been affecting me for longer than I thought. I've never got to vent about this stuff before, so it's all built up and I'm just sort of rambling now. I don't know anymore lmao, you all get the gist - I want to ctb because I'm trans. I could have just wrote that and been done with it haha. Okay, I think I'm done. I'll probably vent about trans stuff again eventually since I'm realising how bottled up this has been for me. If you read all of this, thanks. I hope you understand me.
I'm sure most people have heard about all of the trans bills being passed and being talked about; all the transgender deaths, suicides and hate crimes that seem to just be getting worse as each day passes. I see a lot of this on social media, and recently anytime I open up any social app or open the comments of any lgbtq+ themed video, I see people saying the most horrible shit about trans people - saying how they wish we were all dead, that we deserve to die, how we shouldn't have access to healthcare and all of the same shit I've been hearing for years about how "if you're born a girl, you're a girl!! I will always see you that way!!" I wish they would all shut up, I'm so tired of all of this hatred. We just want to live our lives, yet people are so offended by our existence. When I figured out I was trans at the age of around 13, I kept it quiet and sort of just avoided anything trans related, for a while I had toxic mindsets as well, but over the past couple of years, everything is starting to get to me more. It's probably due to the transphobic bullying I got in the last years of high school. I came out at 15 to my friends, then the rest of the school found out when I was 17. Some people were okay with it, others not. The funny thing about it though, is that a few other transgender people did not like me being trans. One kid in particular who identified as non-binary and used they/them pronouns had a weird issue with me being trans. We were friends for around a year and a half, the friendship was incredibly toxic, I thought that they had changed after they apologised for bullying me but no, they had not changed. They started to bully me and make me feel dysphoric towards the end of our friendship, so I blocked them and called the friendship quits. Only a few days later, rumours were spreading about me, and the one that hurt the most was that I wasn't actually a boy, that I wasn't trans and that I still went by my deadname. They told people not to call me my chosen name and correct pronouns, despite this person literally also being trans. This was just over a year ago before we left high school. I'm now in college, I haven't contacted this person since. I heard recently that this person is still doing the same thing, they are so convinced that I'm not a boy and are so set on making sure it's known that they think that. Ever since, transphobia has gotten to me a lot more. When something happens to me, sometimes it takes a while and a lot of build up for it to start actually taking a negative effect on me, and I think that's what has happened with me being trans. I ignored it all for years, all the misgendering and all the dysphoria, until all my effort to get people to respect my identity was fucking destroyed by some bitch who was offended that I didn't want to be friends with their toxic ass anymore. Now, with all these bills and the hatred of trans people rising, it's making me more dysphoric than ever. I've always had pretty bad dysphoria, but for the past few months it's been at it's highest I would say. I don't understand why people hate us, why they won't let us live like normal beings. My mental illness and trauma used to be my sole reason for wanting to ctb, but for the past while now, just being trans makes me want to end it. I don't want to give them what they want, but I can't take it anymore. I just want to be accepted by the people around me. People in my college class have expressed even worse transphobic views than people at high school, so I'm genuinely terrified to come out. I want to so desperately, but I know things will just get worse. It's all so complicated. I shouldn't have to be upset over this. I shouldn't have to be suicidal because of this. The more I type, the more I realise how this has been affecting me for longer than I thought. I've never got to vent about this stuff before, so it's all built up and I'm just sort of rambling now. I don't know anymore lmao, you all get the gist - I want to ctb because I'm trans. I could have just wrote that and been done with it haha. Okay, I think I'm done. I'll probably vent about trans stuff again eventually since I'm realising how bottled up this has been for me. If you read all of this, thanks. I hope you understand me.
