Venting trans rant

[ToastInTheShell]

I have no reason to feel this way. My body is so unfeminine and gross transitioning is nowhere near plausible. If I do, I'll be hated by the world for the rest of my life. All I hear from friends, family and even the fucking media is how trans people only make people uncomfortable, and end up living shitty lives.

I will never find love. I won't have any friends. I won't be able to find a job. Fucking EXISITING won't be possible if I transition. But then what's left if I don't? Feeling like THIS every day until I die? Every day I fantasize about cutting or killing myself, and the only times it's gone away is when I feel remotely feminine in literally any way. It doesn't matter if I'm shaving my body hair, wearing feminine clothes, or even if someone's just trying to emasculate me, that's the only time it stops. But the comfort I feel is always so fleeting, and when the reality of my biology sets back in it just all comes flooding back.

Then people try to tell me I've manufactured this. Or that this is just some weird fucking fetish or mental illness, and sometimes I think I'm starting to believe them. I just know I don't want this. I don't enjoy hating myself or spending every second of every day wishing I was someone else. I hate all of it. I hate the envy I feel every day when I see cis women. I hate developing feelings for guys who will never and CAN NEVER love me back. I hate seeing trans pride online, how are you proud of feeling fucking miserable and disgusted by your body every single day?

I can either transition, lose all my family and friends, be slightly less disgusted by my body (though still definitely wrought with self hatred) and just more at risk of being laughed at or beaten in the fucking street OR I can cut to the chase and die unhappy tomorrow. Despite the latter OBVIOUSLY being the better option I just can't bring myself to do it. I've tried to OD with but I got caught by my parents. I tried hanging twice; the first time I fucked it up and was shaking and crying too much to do it again and the second time I was just too weak to take the last step.

Despite knowing I will never actually be happy, I can't bring myself to leave. I think I'm still scared of dying.

 

[SpiderMolt]

I'm not fully sure how to correctly word my thoughts but I definitely relate to a lot of that (but in a FtM way). I especially relate to being upset/annoyed by trans pride online. I might just be jealous but it doesn't make sense when people are fine with, or even like being like this. How are they okay with the fact they'll never be fully comfortable with themselves. I also don't get why some people are so open about it. Like, I don't really want people to know that about me. But that's just how I feel. I'm probably just jealous that I can accept myself, but whatever. Anyways, I have no advice, only sympathy. Hope that's fine.

 

[remluvr]

I'm trans ftm and yeah it hurts to know no matter how many surgery's I get, if i take testosterone ill never ever be a real cis man.

 

[3/4Dead]

FTM; feel this for sure. Partially medically transitioned and it's definetly improved my quality of life but I'll tell you, it's at the top of the list for reasons im going to CTB.
Other people are fighting the good fight, both socially against bigots and interally to keep themselves alive, and I am endlessly greatful for the community, but I am not strong enough to do this for the rest of my life.
I know that for me, trans pride definetly makes me turn a little and it's 100% envy for me, I hate that I can't even find some kind of peace in just the body I have now. It fucking sucks.