Venting Tracing the roots of my situation. (Rant)

[Walilamdzi]

I've been thinking about things that have lead me to this point, and to be honest a crucial point of blame I have is towards my school. I was miserable for two years and almost failed everything because I was wasting so much energy on something I had no aptitude for, due to them pushing me to do Physics so they could get funding, when I wanted to study French. It negatively affected all my other grades, meant I did no extracurricular activities and didn't sleep properly, frequently, because I would stay up very late completing homework. I explicitly told them that I wanted to study two languages and Biology, because it's a softer science. Instead they forced me into Physics and Maths instead of French, just to secure some grant...

All of this hindered me, and it's no wonder I had a breakdown to be honest. If I could have been encouraged to do something I loved, I think the outcome would have been very different. Because of the pressure, I got the grades, but I could barely breathe and had frequent panic attacks. Then I delayed moving forward to university/college, because I thought it would be better for me to work and try to get really fit, because school had filled me with such a sense of inadequacy wasting time with everything I was least good at that I thought I needed to transform myself into an athlete to be able to survive moving forwards.

It was highly unethical for them to encourage me to do a subject so they could get me to make an application for some funding under the false pretences that I had ambitions to be a Physicist. It made me feel like a fraud. All of this extra mental energy expended on something so stupid and so... irrelevant to anything I actually wanted to achieve. They get to be this prestigious institution, while my life has gone to shit thanks to their lack of care when accepting me and encouraging me to do stuff for completely wrong reasons.

So I spent two years in a state of perpetual anxiety and misery, made to feel slow because I joined these classes late. Treated like someone lazy because I was pushed away from what I love. Then tried to recover from that for a year, spending a lot of that time suicidal, only to end up hospitalised that year and the two subsequent years. This gets explained away as being me having a "mood disorder". If everyone expects me to continue my life now, after all this trauma and loss, doing something I hate and burdened with the damage from these formative years, they can get fucked.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

This will probably be of no value to helping your situation... but do you know what I studied in college? Psychology. Kind of ironic, huh? Seems like a completely bullshit degree. Let me tell you though... Mentall illness? I actually understand it. Personally and academically. It's like God wanted me to live through the DSM. I actually had the opposite problem in that I should have been studying something a little tougher and with more real world value like Computer Science... I was actually pretty good at math and logic when I applied myself.

I'll reiterate though. Is school worth beating yourself up over? Nope. The whole bullshit parade that higher education puts on is fake as fuck. Honestly, I think most universities should be forced to pay back students because they honestly don't seem to be contributing any real value to students.

 

[uiop]

I've been thinking about things that have lead me to this point, and to be honest a crucial point of blame I have is towards my school. I was miserable for two years and almost failed everything because I was wasting so much energy on something I had no aptitude for, due to them pushing me to do Physics so they could get funding, when I wanted to study French. It negatively affected all my other grades, meant I did no extracurricular activities and didn't sleep properly, frequently, because I would stay up very late completing homework. I explicitly told them that I wanted to study two languages and Biology, because it's a softer science. Instead they forced me into Physics and Maths instead of French, just to secure some grant...

All of this hindered me, and it's no wonder I had a breakdown to be honest. If I could have been encouraged to do something I loved, I think the outcome would have been very different. Because of the pressure, I got the grades, but I could barely breathe and had frequent panic attacks. Then I delayed moving forward to university/college, because I thought it would be better for me to work and try to get really fit, because school had filled me with such a sense of inadequacy wasting time with everything I was least good at that I thought I needed to transform myself into an athlete to be able to survive moving forwards.

It was highly unethical for them to encourage me to do a subject so they could get me to make an application for some funding under the false pretences that I had ambitions to be a Physicist. It made me feel like a fraud. All of this extra mental energy expended on something so stupid and so... irrelevant to anything I actually wanted to achieve. They get to be this prestigious institution, while my life has gone to shit thanks to their lack of care when accepting me and encouraging me to do stuff for completely wrong reasons.

So I spent two years in a state of perpetual anxiety and misery, made to feel slow because I joined these classes late. Treated like someone lazy because I was pushed away from what I love. Then tried to recover from that for a year, spending a lot of that time suicidal, only to end up hospitalised that year and the two subsequent years. This gets explained away as being me having a "mood disorder". If everyone expects me to continue my life now, after all this trauma and loss, doing something I hate and burdened with the damage from these formative years, they can get fucked.

I'm sorry you have to suffer for something that isn't your fault. It's very difficult doing something you're not passionate about. Is it not possible to take some time off school? I realize it may be difficult transitioning in and out of school, but as far as I can tell, you're completely miserable.

I'll reiterate though. Is school worth beating yourself up over? Nope. The whole bullshit parade that higher education puts on is fake as fuck. Honestly, I think most universities should be forced to pay back students because they honestly don't seem to be contributing any real value to students.

While I agree that school isn't worth the misery, I would have to disagree regarding your view on the value of higher education. Maybe it's because I had the freedom that @Walilamdzi didn't have. I have a liberal arts degree; it's fucking useless, much more than yours. But you have to make the best of what life throws at you. For me, what I learned strengthened my analytical and reasoning skills. Those are soft skills. They are worthless in the eyes of society and to employers, but my analytical and reasoning skills help me make sense of the world, and that is valuable to me.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@uiop Hey, thanks for reading and for your time and advice!

I've got through those things I didn't like, just haven't managed to progress to a college because I kept getting ill. I basically tried to start first year for 2 years and I'm effectively taking an unplanned break now, but not sure how to get back to an academic way of thinking. I feel bad that I was so stressed by all the hoops I had to jump through that I was so ill by the point I was about to do what I wanted, that I only lasted there for a week. I'd been planning to study an arts degree too.

I want to try again when I'm better, but I've kind of messed up my funding... also scared because in the time everyone I know has graduated, I've just kept being hospitalised and I wonder if that already ruins my prospects before I start, so I feel like it's all spiralled out of control somewhat.

Maybe if I try to sort out the funding and spend some time focusing on staying well, I can try again. Feeling a little scared about explaining why I'm doing everything late and haven't done anything very constructive but maybe I can turn things around. I can't be the only person with health issues.

It's interesting to hear how your degree was valuable to you, what was the most valuable part of it?

 

[Ruffian]

Thank you for sharing this - as someone in education this makes me furious. I can't imagine forcing a student to do something they hate to such profiency. Yes, sometimes you have to do a math when you're not interested just to get through school. But what you're describing is abuse plain and simple. If this weren't a private forum I'd like to find out who they are and report them. I know this is such an American thing to say, but is there any way to sue them for your pain and suffering? I hope that doesn't offend you, but it makes me damn mad. Go easy on yourself - I didn't see anything about your family. Are your parents supportive? Can they help you in any way? Are you able to speak with them. This makes me so angry and I wish I could do something to help because you are too young to be this miserable so a school could get money that they probably will invest in real estate rather than the students. Ugh, sickening. I can totally see it happening though I'm sorry to say. It is one if the reasons I'm here - I hate this field and it's constant pressure on teachers and students. Sorry I went on such a rant, but this is awful. I have to stop writing because I'm tired, but I have a lot more to say. I'm new here and don't even know how to message, but feel free to email me if you want to talk more.

 

[uiop]

@uiop Hey, thanks for reading and for your time and advice!

I've got through those things I didn't like, just haven't managed to progress to a college because I kept getting ill. I basically tried to start first year for 2 years and I'm effectively taking an unplanned break now, but not sure how to get back to an academic way of thinking. I feel bad that I was so stressed by all the hoops I had to jump through that I was so ill by the point I was about to do what I wanted, that I only lasted there for a week. I'd been planning to study an arts degree too.

I want to try again when I'm better, but I've kind of messed up my funding... also scared because in the time everyone I know has graduated, I've just kept being hospitalised and I wonder if that already ruins my prospects before I start, so I feel like it's all spiralled out of control somewhat.

Maybe if I try to sort out the funding and spend some time focusing on staying well, I can try again. Feeling a little scared about explaining why I'm doing everything late and haven't done anything very constructive but maybe I can turn things around. I can't be the only person with health issues.

It's interesting to hear how your degree was valuable to you, what was the most valuable part of it?

I had friends who dropped out of university, and friends who've never finished community college. It was for them a strategic decision to figure out their aspirations and such, but I digress: it doesn't help your situation. What I do want to communicate to you is that the hardest part is going back to school. You would have to re-learn how to learn, or as you put it an 'academic way of thinking'.

Is it not possible to take out federal loans, and student grants via FAFSA? I'm sorry i cannot give you much advice on your financial situation, as I was lucky enough to attend university after graduating high school. I maxed out my loans and took as much money as I could get from the government so that I do not have to burden my parents with finances. It's been quite a few years since I graduated, and I'm still paying it off.

Unless you want to become a lawyer, if you want an easy time finding a job in the future, my advice to you is to NOT get a degree in the arts lol. I majored in history and minored in sociology. Liberal arts teaches you how to think, it puts what your brain already does into practice. It reinforces your analytical, critical, and creative thinking skills. Think about what a scientist does: they form a hypothesis, collect data, and make conclusions relative to their experiments. Historians do the same thing, except with ideas and interpretations. Given the information we have, we can formulate an argument that either validates or discredits the proposition. Ahem, ranting again...sorry lol

To answer your question, the most valuable part of my degree were the soft skills that I learned. For me, it is important that I recognize my thought patterns, and determine how logical I'm being. I believe in science and rationality. My experience in university taught me that everything in this world can be broken down into smaller pieces of logic, and when we compose those pieces, we can come to understand the system as a whole.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@Ruffian Hey, thank you for replying, your response was really comforting to read and made me feel better. I don't think I could sue them unfortunately. My parents are supportive the majority of the time, I'm hoping I can find my way back to something that I'm passionate about. You said that you work in this field, what do you teach? I think it takes a few days for the private message to work on new accounts but feel free to message me too, I would love to hear more of your opinion. So sorry to hear that problems caused by teaching are a main reason for your presence on here. Also feel free to message me if you want to vent!

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I've been thinking about things that have lead me to this point, and to be honest a crucial point of blame I have is towards my school. I was miserable for two years and almost failed everything because I was wasting so much energy on something I had no aptitude for, due to them pushing me to do Physics so they could get funding, when I wanted to study French. It negatively affected all my other grades, meant I did no extracurricular activities and didn't sleep properly, frequently, because I would stay up very late completing homework. I explicitly told them that I wanted to study two languages and Biology, because it's a softer science. Instead they forced me into Physics and Maths instead of French, just to secure some grant...

All of this hindered me, and it's no wonder I had a breakdown to be honest. If I could have been encouraged to do something I loved, I think the outcome would have been very different. Because of the pressure, I got the grades, but I could barely breathe and had frequent panic attacks. Then I delayed moving forward to university/college, because I thought it would be better for me to work and try to get really fit, because school had filled me with such a sense of inadequacy wasting time with everything I was least good at that I thought I needed to transform myself into an athlete to be able to survive moving forwards.

It was highly unethical for them to encourage me to do a subject so they could get me to make an application for some funding under the false pretences that I had ambitions to be a Physicist. It made me feel like a fraud. All of this extra mental energy expended on something so stupid and so... irrelevant to anything I actually wanted to achieve. They get to be this prestigious institution, while my life has gone to shit thanks to their lack of care when accepting me and encouraging me to do stuff for completely wrong reasons.

So I spent two years in a state of perpetual anxiety and misery, made to feel slow because I joined these classes late. Treated like someone lazy because I was pushed away from what I love. Then tried to recover from that for a year, spending a lot of that time suicidal, only to end up hospitalised that year and the two subsequent years. This gets explained away as being me having a "mood disorder". If everyone expects me to continue my life now, after all this trauma and loss, doing something I hate and burdened with the damage from these formative years, they can get fucked.

I teach at a mid-sized university. I'm always hearing, from other faculty and the lay, about the disciplines that are most useful to society (science, engineering, medicine...). You can't challenge this perspective. There's a resurgence among teachers throughout the US in the belief that what someone does and how they benefit society determine her/his worth. No serious mention of vital non-corporate work people do (care for the sick or elderly or children, low-wage but critical social services work...) No matter how you try to challenge this perspective, the status quo won't relinquish it because the status quo, powerful and wealthy, benefits from it. People who're crushed by their failure or inability to satisfy others' expectations or to live to fulfill others' needs are just necessary casualties of the reality of social life. That's what those who'd have everyone studying programming and engineering argue. Never mind that when everyone is studying nursing-engineering-programming... The providers/owners of those services/products can then pay workers less thanks to the employment competition resulting from the surplus of workers and job applicants in those industries. Doesn't bode well for humans' future in an age of intelligent machines.

 

[uiop]

I teach at a mid-sized university. I'm always hearing, from other faculty and the lay, about the disciplines that are most useful to society (science, engineering, medicine...). You can't challenge this perspective. There's a resurgence among teachers throughout the US in the belief that what someone does and how they benefit society determine her/his worth. No serious mention of vital non-corporate work people do (care for the sick or elderly or children, low-wage but critical social services work...) No matter how you try to challenge this perspective, the status quo won't relinquish it because the status quo, powerful and wealthy, benefits from it. People who're crushed by their failure or inability to satisfy others' expectations or to live to fulfill others' needs are just necessary casualties of the reality of social life. That's what those who'd have everyone studying programming and engineering argue. Never mind that when everyone is studying nursing-engineering-programming... The providers/owners of those services/products can then pay workers less thanks to the employment competition resulting from the surplus of workers and job applicants in those industries. Doesn't bode well for humans' future in an age of intelligent machines.

Damn, you and I have very contrasting perspectives