Discussion Tough love v soft touch

[Onlyborrowedtime]

There seems to be a very clear divide in the people on this site. The ones who are very blunt and honest (tough love) and then the ones who are softer, shielding people partially from the truth (soft touch...?).

Which kind of person are you? Which do you feel is more effective in helping people any why?

To me it's always feels better to rip the plaster of quickly. The truth hurts, but the faster you realise it the faster you can recover from it.

 

[Mr2005]

Tough love from me

 

[a_strange_day]

Tough love. That must be why nobody loves me.

 

[s1mplem3]

Not sure if help anyone and if I'm kind, but I'm pretty honest and straightforward, I say what's in my mind.

 

[timeless_vision]

I personally prefer to be given tough love as it's been very effective in aiding with my recovery.

But for other people I more veer towards soft touch as the default, especially if they've not directly told me "please be brutally honest with me"

If I can't help but want to be a bit more constructively critical, or feel it is necessary to effectively help someone i'm talking to. I try to preface it with a lot of: "I can not understand your experience" "if it's okay with you for me to say this" and "no offense" to soften the blow and try to find a middle ground. With a mixture of different results..

I found how it works out greatly depends on the person, the topic of discussion, how tied they are to their perspective and how much emotion has been invested into it. The middle ground approach has been deeply appreciated by some folk, but has also been taken as a personal attack from others.

Humans are complicated

 

[Skelebirb]

I do my best to be honest, but with a gentle touch. I don't like to use the term "tough love" as I've seen people use it to justify abusive behavior.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Two of my life mottos are expressed well by Marcus Aurelius:

1. "If any person is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act rightly, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth, by which no person was ever injured. But they are injured who abide in their error and ignorance."

I always speak truth or say nothing. I usually speak directly, sometimes with a softer touch, sometimes with tough love, sometimes with humor or sarcasm. My words can hug, inspire, harshly reveal, softly illuminate, or, when I'm seriously pushed, leave marks. But I never, ever bullshit, and if I'm convincingly shown I'm wrong, I admit it.

2. "The perfection of moral character consists in this: to spend each day as if it were the last, to be neither agitated nor numb, and not to pretend."

My moral character is a work in progress. I don't follow the first perfection; I'm not numb, but I do indeed get agitated and have to work on that a lot; but is has been long established in my character that I do not pretend. Folks who know me for a minute figure that out, and they know that I am utterly genuine.

Not everyone may like me, but I consistently demonstrate I am trustworthy and sincere, and in my life, folks have always been able to trust that if they ask me an honest question, they'll get an honest answer from both my intellect and my heart.

 

[-Link-]

Is being blunt and honest "tough love"? I've always figured "tough love" to be the "just get over it" and "just do it" sort of stuff. "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."

And if "tough love" is honest, then does that make a "soft touch" untruthful?

The way I've always identified with the terms, tough love is mostly unhelpful. It's dismissive, invalidating, and condescending, and it comes from a place of ignorance and inability to empathize. I find it's almost exclusive to conservative-minded people.

I tend to be blunt and honest, but I've never considered myself a "tough love" person. I don't really consider myself soft-touch, either... maybe a hybrid of the two... I don't know.

 

[Shamana]

I'm mosty a very mild soft love person. However I would say in some parts of my life I respond better to tough love than soft love.

I would say the best treatment is always situational.

 

[oopswronglife]

I have never in my life experienced "tough love" that helped. All the mentors and leaders I have had who made my life better and taught me important things were calm, rational, empathetic. Tough love is more about the person giving it and them feeling in control than it is teaching and helping. it's also used as an excuse to be a jerk a lot along with "brutal honesty". Brutality is never needed. If you cannot get the message across without such drama and aggressiveness...the message is bad. Even the most resistant people in the worst conditions will respond better, if they will respond at all, to calm and reasoned behavior rather than "toughness". Aggressiveness begets aggressiveness.

 

[Epsilon0]

Two of my life mottos are expressed well by Marcus Aurelius:

1. "If any person is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act rightly, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth, by which no person was ever injured. But they are injured who abide in their error and ignorance."

I always speak truth or say nothing. I usually speak directly, sometimes with a softer touch, sometimes with tough love, sometimes with humor or sarcasm. My words can hug, inspire, harshly reveal, softly illuminate, or, when I'm seriously pushed, leave marks. But I never, ever bullshit, and if I'm convincingly shown I'm wrong, I admit it.

2. "The perfection of moral character consists in this: to spend each day as if it were the last, to be neither agitated nor numb, and not to pretend."

My moral character is a work in progress. I don't follow the first perfection; I'm not numb, but I do indeed get agitated and have to work on that a lot; but is has been long established in my character that I do not pretend. Folks who know me for a minute figure that out, and they know that I am utterly genuine.

Not everyone may like me, but I consistently demonstrate I am trustworthy and sincere, and in my life, folks have always been able to trust that if they ask me an honest question, they'll get an honest answer from both my intellect and my heart.

I like your pathos and honesty! Your posts are always like a raging fire.

 

[RottenDeer]

Clearly tough love while offering support in any way possible.

 

[tardis]

I think I'm more of a soft touch person. I find people who use tough love show more toughness than love. I think people assume you are honest if you are acting like an asshole.

I try to be kind, while keeping in mind that genuine kindness would require honesty. I wouldn't want to downplay someone's problems.

 

[Beautiful_Disgrace]

I'm much more blunt online than I am I real life. Only because I'm a very non confrontational person. Honestly I don't view anything I do as tough love, because as a few people have said that is usually just an excuse to be callus and thoughtless towards someone under the guise of being helpful.

I won't ever lie to someone, but I do tend to be more soft spoken as well. I feel like I can do both.

 

[benjaminbusdriver]

I'm neither. I'll say i'm "Tough Touch". Meaning, I try to frame the truth in a convincing and thought-provoking way, that will kick your ass with ideas, but not push you away with brute force.
So, fuck you, beautiful.