Venting Tough it out or end it now

[neese]

Hello everyone, I am having a hard time trying not to CTB until my set date which is about five months away but every day I feel the urge creeps on a bit stronger. I have twice completed the first 24 meto stat before I decided to back off and wait it out. I feel as if I'm getting worse and worse every morning, mentally. These days I feel nothing but anger, complete drain of empathy for others. I think that if I don't stop this right now, my brain could go somewhere much darker and I won't be able to stop it. However, I still have a little wish that I want to see how it pans out in the future. I want to see to the end of football season (lol, frivolous, I know) and it's the only thing that's keeping me alive. It's gonna be the holidays where I live soon and I don't want to see my extended family hanging around, having fun with me being a bummer as usual. And my mom will be off of work and my brother will fly back home. I absolutely want to avoid them, every time I see them I wish I never had to say anything because anything comes out of my mouth gets misconstrued. It's frightening to be threatened and cussed out by an innocuous suggestion. And then my birthday, and then days after days of people bugging me about getting work. I'm still weighing out my joy and my crying to sleep every night. Don't know if it's really worth it :(

 

[Jean4]

Nobody can tell you, if it's your time. Only you can answer that question. However, when it is your time, you will have no doubts. Nothing else will matter.

As long as you have hope or something to live for, it isn't your time.,

 

[neese]

Nobody can tell you, if it's your time. Only you can answer that question. However, when it is your time, you will have no doubts. Nothing else will matter.

As long as you have hope or something to live for, it isn't your time.,

You know, I always appreciated your presence on this forum. You make me feel homely and it's extremely nice to see your response on my post

 

[Jean4]

You know, I always appreciated your presence on this forum. You make me feel homely and it's extremely nice to see your response on my post ☺☺

Thanks for that. I also see you are relatively new posting. Don't be shy. We all understand being there ourselves.

I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

[TAW122]

I've faced this question numerous times in my life, and in the recent past year or two, more oftenly than not. Personally, I have gotten close to ending it multiple times, only barring a catalyst or so before going through with the process. I could say that I'm closer to the edge currently than before, but just getting loose ends and finishing certain things before going through with it. Though of course, if there is a strong enough push in 2020 and/or sudden turn for the worse, I may go sooner.

n the end, I believe it is up to the individual and only the individual to decide and know when it is to CTB or whether to hold onto life a bit longer.