Sure, I may absolutely hate the fact that I was born into a body that comes with stigmas, and is deemed unattractive. Sure, it makes
me feel like a disgusting, subhuman pariah. Sure, I hate being trapped as this thing. And sure, if my conscience was in what
I call "a normal body", then there's some chance I wouldn't be looking for ways to end my life prematurely.
However, there are many people with bodies similar to mine, who seem to live with it fine. And along the lines of my situation not
technically being that bad, I have family that supports, loves, and cares for me. I have opportunities. I have money. I could
presumably build a decent life if I tried.
But across the board of negative and positive factors, the lowest common denominator is me, the main thing that
must be poisoning everything. People ask me what I want, and I think I just want it to be over. I don't think I want what
life has to offer, at least, not more than I simply want to die. Jonghyun's translated words, "Do I need a more dramatic
reason?" resonate with me.
One of my defenses is that I wish I was never born for anything to be wasted on me, and that I didn't have a choice. That
hardly makes me feel like less of a wastrel however, nor does it completely dissolve my guilt for throwing away my life after
people have tried to help. Even if I know that they shouldn't miss me, because there's nothing that great about me, I know my suicide
would more than likely leave a stain upon my family. Even if it hurts them just a little, they don't deserve that.
However, I feel nauseous thinking about continuing this miserable, conflicted slog for presumably many years until my
natural lifespan runs out. My desire for death saps my drive and energy for life, and negatively affects my ability to perform
and accomplish the goals I would need to in order to live properly and productively. I can't keep going on with one
foot mentally in the grave.
me feel like a disgusting, subhuman pariah. Sure, I hate being trapped as this thing. And sure, if my conscience was in what
I call "a normal body", then there's some chance I wouldn't be looking for ways to end my life prematurely.
However, there are many people with bodies similar to mine, who seem to live with it fine. And along the lines of my situation not
technically being that bad, I have family that supports, loves, and cares for me. I have opportunities. I have money. I could
presumably build a decent life if I tried.
But across the board of negative and positive factors, the lowest common denominator is me, the main thing that
must be poisoning everything. People ask me what I want, and I think I just want it to be over. I don't think I want what
life has to offer, at least, not more than I simply want to die. Jonghyun's translated words, "Do I need a more dramatic
reason?" resonate with me.
One of my defenses is that I wish I was never born for anything to be wasted on me, and that I didn't have a choice. That
hardly makes me feel like less of a wastrel however, nor does it completely dissolve my guilt for throwing away my life after
people have tried to help. Even if I know that they shouldn't miss me, because there's nothing that great about me, I know my suicide
would more than likely leave a stain upon my family. Even if it hurts them just a little, they don't deserve that.
However, I feel nauseous thinking about continuing this miserable, conflicted slog for presumably many years until my
natural lifespan runs out. My desire for death saps my drive and energy for life, and negatively affects my ability to perform
and accomplish the goals I would need to in order to live properly and productively. I can't keep going on with one
foot mentally in the grave.
