I often want to post my thoughts or parts of my story here but I stopped taking my ADD meds over a year ago and have been living in a fog and can't really type out coherent thoughts most of the time.
I took my meds today to try to reset an unhealthy sleep pattern that I've been dealing with for a few weeks, but today is the first time in a long time I've had an organized mind. It is also the first time I've felt emotion in a really long time. I'm almost overwhelmed with sadness at how my life has ended up. Alone and suicidal for two years and also sick and then in excruciating pain. It is really shocking how much covid and the pandemic has taken from me and ruined my life. Multiple times today I had to suppress tears because being here in my miserable state has probably been made easier all this time by having no emotions. I can't let them out now because I don't know if I could ever get them under control again if I do.
Then I look at what is happening in my country and fucking fascists are taking power and showing their faces in the street to celebrate the loss of rights of others. There were 3 mass shootings today in different cities and at least one shooter left a racist/fascist manifesto to justify his killings. I am not just sad for myself, I am sad for all of us that this is happening and most people are not taking it seriously and people in power who could maybe do things to stop or slow the fascist creep, do nothing because they only care about their own power.
From 2015 to 2020 I spent every moment working and organizing against this sort of thing, including surviving a car attack by a white supremacist where others were maimed and killed. And now I am just here in my apartment with a fucked up spine, in pain, alone and I just feel powerless and worthless. All of this just reinforces my belief that I must die soon. Today is just the first day in a long time that I've felt the weight of that with a clear mind.
I'm going to wait to try to call my dad on monday and I have an mri on tuesday. Maybe they will have a diagnosis for me and treatment that will make me change my mind. All I know is that I don't see myself being able to return to normal life from where I'm at right now. Just some thoughts.
I took my meds today to try to reset an unhealthy sleep pattern that I've been dealing with for a few weeks, but today is the first time in a long time I've had an organized mind. It is also the first time I've felt emotion in a really long time. I'm almost overwhelmed with sadness at how my life has ended up. Alone and suicidal for two years and also sick and then in excruciating pain. It is really shocking how much covid and the pandemic has taken from me and ruined my life. Multiple times today I had to suppress tears because being here in my miserable state has probably been made easier all this time by having no emotions. I can't let them out now because I don't know if I could ever get them under control again if I do.
Then I look at what is happening in my country and fucking fascists are taking power and showing their faces in the street to celebrate the loss of rights of others. There were 3 mass shootings today in different cities and at least one shooter left a racist/fascist manifesto to justify his killings. I am not just sad for myself, I am sad for all of us that this is happening and most people are not taking it seriously and people in power who could maybe do things to stop or slow the fascist creep, do nothing because they only care about their own power.
From 2015 to 2020 I spent every moment working and organizing against this sort of thing, including surviving a car attack by a white supremacist where others were maimed and killed. And now I am just here in my apartment with a fucked up spine, in pain, alone and I just feel powerless and worthless. All of this just reinforces my belief that I must die soon. Today is just the first day in a long time that I've felt the weight of that with a clear mind.
I'm going to wait to try to call my dad on monday and I have an mri on tuesday. Maybe they will have a diagnosis for me and treatment that will make me change my mind. All I know is that I don't see myself being able to return to normal life from where I'm at right now. Just some thoughts.
