Toofargone6969 remembrances (thread by her brother)

[tooclose6969]

I realize this is pretty unusual, but I'm the brother of Toofargone6969. Her last thread here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/goodbye-taking-the-sn-bus-tonight.135713/. I wanted to post for...I'm not sure, maybe just closure. Or perhaps I'm looking for something I can't name yet.

She was successful. As far as I can tell, things played out exactly as in her post. She was long dead by the time my parents discovered her around 11 a.m.

Though I'm glad her suffering is over, I obviously do not agree with her decision. She had so much going for her, and I believe her emotional and physical pain was specific and solvable. We'll be carrying this grief and pain and regret and bitterness every day of the rest of our lives. More than the loss of her love for me, I regret the loss of my ability to love her, and loss of her partner's and my daughter's and my parents' and everyone's ability to love her. It's hard to explain the loneliness and sickness I feel thinking about her being gone. She was my only sibling, and I was supposed to be there for her, but I wasn't good or supportive enough.

Discovering her last post here was initially really upsetting.

However...ultimately I'm comforted that she had such honest and caring support during her last day and last hours. That truth is far better than the utter loneliness and isolation I had imagined.

My request is that if you knew her or had any significant interactions with her, please post any remembrances, wishes, etc. here, and I'll also share them with my parents when they're ready, someday. We couldn't be with her in her last moments, but you were. Thank you for that, at least.

One last thing. I know this is unlikely to be granted, but mods, I'd appreciate an unban on her account so I can more easily see her posts. It would help my grieving—and eventually my parents'—if I could understand what she was really thinking during the past months. I have access to her email accounts, so I should be able to access her account from my side. I can appeal from her account, if that's helpful. In the event this is possible, feel free to disable posting, as I obviously wouldn't need to do that.

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I am so sorry you and your family have had to experience a death so close, and I have so much respect for how you've reacted to this event. Your respect for your sister's wishes even while you yourself must have suffered a great trauma too is remarkable. I didn't personally know or have any interactions with her but from what I can see, she was very lucky to have you. Please do your best not to blame yourself for her death. She's surely in a better place now, even if she could have had a place here too.

Best wishes to you all.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I'm sorry for your loss. Even though she herself is at peace now, it's always hard on the ones left behind. I don't believe this was your failing, you seem like a very kind and supportive brother... someone she was lucky to have. I did not interact with her very much, but I saw her frequently around the forum! She was kind, supportive and even posted on my own remembrance thread for my best friend. Here is that interaction: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/remembering-one-of-our-own-lokabe82.131264/post-2140683

Through those words her compassion was obvious. I wish you the very best, and again, I am sorry for your loss. I'll pray for you, your family and your sister.

 

[hi-okbye]

i remember reading her thread a few days ago, and it really touched me. she seemed like such a sweet person. i'm so sorry for your loss, i know how it feels to just loose someone so unexpectedly. i hope you can settle your grief and find some closure. i hope the mods grant you your wish, they tend to be nice people, i think they would understand.

rip to a great person. i hope you find peace with her passing

 

[Mad World]

I discovered this website the same way you did, a loss of someone very close to me. I know it is only natural to blame yourself when it comes to dealing with suicide, but please don't, there is so many other factors that go into making a decision like this and I can guarentee it's not your fault. Take it from me, I experienced the same motions of grief.

I wish Toofargone a peaceful rest and hope she is free from what she was experiencing. I am sorry for your loss. If you ever want to message me to chat, my PMs are open.

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

I'm really sorry for your loss. I too lost a sister to suicide so I have some understanding of what you're going through right now.

I didn't know your sister, but I've just read through her goodbye thread and it was quite emotional to read through. She seemed like she was a very special person and I'm very sad you and your family had to lose her like this. I know it's only a very small comfort, but she's no longer suffering and is at peace now.
All the best to you and your family.

If you want to see more of her posts, use the search bar in the top right corner and type her name in the "by: member" bar and you can see her old posts

 

[tooclose6969]

Thanks, everyone, for the kinds words. Nice to hear from you all. She was a sweet and special person in many ways, and I believe that, like many who seek suicide, she was too gentle, too good in nature, and the things she turned to and traumas she endured and her death were because of that essential gentleness.

Moving through grief is strange and overwhelming. My feelings about her change every day and hour, and in such ebbs and flows of intensity. What I keep wishing the most is that I could've told her about my own suicide attempt more than a decade ago at this point. Maybe it could have helped her in some way. Kept thinking I should tell her, and I don't know why I didn't. We had some trust issues that it felt like we were starting to move past, perhaps in part because of the dark place she was in, but still, I should've done what I thought was right.... Too late now.

If you want to see more of her posts, use the search bar in the top right corner and type her name in the "by: member" bar and you can see her old posts

Thank you very much! I've been pretty scattered recently, so I somehow didn't even think of that. I'll do that and take a look at some of her threads/comments regardless of what the mods decide.

 

[sombie]

I'm sorry for your loss,your sister seemed like a kind person and I relate to her story so much,I'm also 30 and have a happy family life,can I ask what was her condition that made her want to end it?sorry if I'm being too weird

 

[sad_rock]

my own suicide attempt more than a decade ago at this point. Maybe it could have helped her in some way. Kept thinking I should tell her, and I don't know why I didn't. We had some trust issues that it felt like we were starting to move past, perhaps in part because of the dark place she was in, but still, I should've done what I thought was right.... Too late now.

Suicide is alienating and it is a heavy topic to approach. Don't beat yourself up that you couldn't bring the topic up to her. I'm sorry that you lost your sister; it hurts a lot to lose a loved one.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be a very difficult time for you.

If you go to the post you talked about and click on her username and then, messages, they should come up.

I know the search function doesn't appear till you have more posts but, that would be another option, although I'm not sure whether it's so easy to find members who's accounts are disabled. I hope it will bring you some closure/comfort and I wish you all the best.

 

[tiger b]

Full respect.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I didn't talk to her that I remember. It's hard to see people leave, even though I wish them peace.
I know most on the outside of the forum don't understand what it's like to want to die.
I wish she could have found a solution to her problems. I wish it for everyone.
Sadly, for many of us, ending our existence is the only option.
I hope you and your family are able to find some peace eventually.
Also you should be able to search for her posts. I don't know if you have to wait or if you can do it now that your a member.
Again... I'm sorry for your loss.

Edit: I didn't see @Forever Sleep 's reply before I made this post.

 

[tooclose6969]

I'm sorry for your loss,your sister seemed like a kind person and I relate to her story so much,I'm also 30 and have a happy family life,can I ask what was her condition that made her want to end it?sorry if I'm being too weird

Hey, thanks for asking. I think it's very much worth talking about, because talking specifics demonstrates that vastly different causes and circumstances can lead to the same place of despair and that some of these causes are definitely resolvable, while others are less so. But we are far more, and far more complex, than our present emotions.

She was very anxious and had body dysmorphia, terrible insomnia, and, of course, depression. All of these had been present at lowish levels her whole adult life, but they exploded at the beginning of the year.

What caused that was complicated. Underlying everything were terrible traumas and drug use from her teen years that she never really resolved.

There were some immediate factors.
She always had back issues, but she badly injured her back and for some time couldn't do the things she loved to do.
She was a heavily dependent pot smoker for the previous maybe ten years and tried to quit cold turkey around the same time as the back injury. It seemed as if this crashed her dopamine levels and they never recovered, even though she then restarted more moderate use, tapered, and had been off pot for over a month by the time she killed herself.
She was also on hormonal birth control and had a couple bad days a month on it, so she had it removed to prevent those bad days. She developed polycystic ovary syndrome--I don't think she realized this until much later this year--likely as a result of removing the birth control, and that probably contributed to her mental and physical state.
On top of it all, her dog died, and that was the last thread she was holding on to.

No one should have to go through what she went through, this year of course, but also in her teen years. Much of that I learned about only from reading her notes and journals after she died. I just wish she would have shared her burdens. My parents knew some, and her partner knew some, but she kept the full picture to herself. I just wish I could have told her how proud I was of her for making it through that.

Her whole life really was on an upswing prior to this year, and I can't stop thinking what if, what if, what if.

 

[sombie]

Hey, thanks for asking. I think it's very much worth talking about, because talking specifics demonstrates that vastly different causes and circumstances can lead to the same place of despair and that some of these causes are definitely resolvable, while others are less so. But we are far more, and far more complex, than our present emotions.

She was very anxious and had body dysmorphia, terrible insomnia, and, of course, depression. All of these had been present at lowish levels her whole adult life, but they exploded at the beginning of the year.

What caused that was complicated. Underlying everything were terrible traumas and drug use from her teen years that she never really resolved.

There were some immediate factors.
She always had back issues, but she badly injured her back and for some time couldn't do the things she loved to do.
She was a heavily dependent pot smoker for the previous maybe ten years and tried to quit cold turkey around the same time as the back injury. It seemed as if this crashed her dopamine levels and they never recovered, even though she then restarted more moderate use, tapered, and had been off pot for over a month by the time she killed herself.
She was also on hormonal birth control and had a couple bad days a month on it, so she had it removed to prevent those bad days. She developed polycystic ovary syndrome--I don't think she realized this until much later this year--likely as a result of removing the birth control, and that probably contributed to her mental and physical state.
On top of it all, her dog died, and that was the last thread she was holding on to.

No one should have to go through what she went through, this year of course, but also in her teen years. Much of that I learned about only from reading her notes and journals after she died. I just wish she would have shared her burdens. My parents knew some, and her partner knew some, but she kept the full picture to herself. I just wish I could have told her how proud I was of her for making it through that.

Her whole life really was on an upswing prior to this year, and I can't stop thinking what if, what if, what if.

I can't imagine your pain man but I hope she finds peace in death and you find peace in this life,stay safe

 

[sad_rock]

just leaving these flowers here for your sister; may her soul rest with peace

 

[waRmblanket]

i'm sorry for your loss.
i can say with confidence you're sister was amazing. she helped me and was there for me when it was needed. i appreciated her a lot<3 she's definitely a person i'm glad i met, she had such a sweet soul.
here for you always

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I'm so sorry for your loss, out of the amount of goodbye threads I've seen over the past few months, hers was definitely one of the hardest ones I've seen. I also kinda assumed that since she had been gone for nearly a month, I had a feeling she was really gone. She was such an awesome person and I'm glad to have known her in the short time that I did. Much peace to you and your family during this very difficult time, if you need to just talk or vent, you are more than welcome to.

 

[pole]

i'm sorry for your loss.

i cannot imagine how it feels to lose a sibling and what you're going through is difficult to even put into words. in addition, the not knowing is a killer and having questions that you wish you had answers to.

at the same time, we won't be unbanning the account. members are permanently banned after posting a goodbye thread. we've done this for years out of respect for those who have passed by preventing access to the account after the fact. the account remains banned to honour the member by keeping their posts intact and protecting their privacy.

we come here and post because we feel safe and secure in this space. it's all some of us know as a place to vent. if someone on the outside looking in had access to our accounts after we've left, it would feel invasive.

we've also dealt with issues in the past where people (family members, partners) had access to accounts of loved ones and did stuff that was unacceptable. as a result, we will stand with restricting access to account after-the-fact.

i hope you understand where we're coming from and that the decision is out of respect for your sister and her right to privacy. i also hope you find peace.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I did not interact much with your sister but she was truly someone here who was noticed. A beautiful soul. She's at peace now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry for your loss. We had a brief conversation at the beginning of the month. I can relay what she shared with me.

"I'm feeling so numb on what I think are my last few days. Just preparing everything and feeling very guilty. I was planning on tomorrow night but now its tuesday for various reasons. I'm definitely nervous and scared and it sucks not being able to have a proper goodbye with my loved ones. I've thought about this for so long and I know I have to do it but it's just very surreal and I feel so guilty like I said. I've been living for other people and I just cant do it anymore. I'm gonna use SN. Hopefully I have the courage to do it as I've been putting it off over and over. The only comfort is knowing I can post a goodbye thread here and at least have that bit of contact at the end."

It sounds like she found it very difficult to get past the guilt (though she obviously managed to in the end) and she wishes she had been able to speak to you in person. It also sounds like she was going to be dealing with suicidal feelings for the rest of her life, even if they could have been lessened in intensity. I especially say that because I am her age and felt a lot of resonance with the feelings that she expressed and I know that is the case for me. Knowing it will never truly end only serves to compound the pain you feel in the moment.

and I was supposed to be there for her, but I wasn't good or supportive enough.

It's understandable that you'd feel that way in the immediate aftermath and I hope that feeling does abate with time. The reality is that if someone just don't want to be here, or finds life fundamentally unrewarding as seems more accurate in her case, then other people's love and care just won't suffice, just as love won't save someone from cancer eating up their body. But that doesn't diminish the quality of the love you had for you. She must have known that you, as you said, would never be able to find it in you to support her decision. But even though she said she had been living mainly for others, I don't believe she resented you for that.

 

[tooclose6969]

I'm sorry for your loss. We had a brief conversation at the beginning of the month. I can relay what she shared with me.

"I'm feeling so numb on what I think are my last few days. Just preparing everything and feeling very guilty. I was planning on tomorrow night but now its tuesday for various reasons. I'm definitely nervous and scared and it sucks not being able to have a proper goodbye with my loved ones. I've thought about this for so long and I know I have to do it but it's just very surreal and I feel so guilty like I said. I've been living for other people and I just cant do it anymore. I'm gonna use SN. Hopefully I have the courage to do it as I've been putting it off over and over. The only comfort is knowing I can post a goodbye thread here and at least have that bit of contact at the end."

Hey, thanks for sharing that. That means a lot to me. Knowing what she felt about saying goodbye broke me down. I'm glad she felt comfortable enough with you to share that.

i'm sorry for your loss.

i cannot imagine how it feels to lose a sibling and what you're going through is difficult to even put into words. in addition, the not knowing is a killer and having questions that you wish you had answers to.

at the same time, we won't be unbanning the account. members are permanently banned after posting a goodbye thread. we've done this for years out of respect for those who have passed by preventing access to the account after the fact. the account remains banned to honour the member by keeping their posts intact and protecting their privacy.

we come here and post because we feel safe and secure in this space. it's all some of us know as a place to vent. if someone on the outside looking in had access to our accounts after we've left, it would feel invasive.

we've also dealt with issues in the past where people (family members, partners) had access to accounts of loved ones and did stuff that was unacceptable. as a result, we will stand with restricting access to account after-the-fact.

i hope you understand where we're coming from and that the decision is out of respect for your sister and her right to privacy. i also hope you find peace.

Thanks for explaining, and I accept that.

This is not an appeal, but I would be remiss if I didn't also explain my perspective.

I went to see her cremation, terrifying as it was, and stayed for it all. I saw her reduced to bones, little bits of bone, and dust. I saw her swept out of the oven. I should be around for 50, maybe 60 more years if I'm lucky. Through the years and decades, I'll be the one looking at her urn, turning questions about her over in my head, and renewing my sorrow. I (and my wife) will be the last people to care about her. The years will be long, and all I'll have left of her are a few possessions, photos, and her written words, and in the past year, this forum is the only place she wrote anything of substance. I just want you to understand that what I see is an overwhelming and long aftermath, the journey through which depends on how I and my family are able to understand her. (But I'll go searching on the forums after I've made enough posts, as suggested, and I hope I find some of that understanding.)

Peace...thank you for your wish, but peace from this I think is a fruitless hope. If that sounds bitter, it's not a willing bitterness. I'm very grateful to have had such support and kindness in this thread.

 

[letmejoindeath]

No one ever cares until it's too late.

I'm sorry for your loss. Suicides are at an all time high because society is shit.

Literally no one is willing to do anything so ctb is the best option some of us have.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

. I should be around for 50, maybe 60 more years if I'm lucky.

Thank you so much sharing your experience. It is valuable to hear from your side and while her pain may be gone yours is still very much alive.

In the hopes of affording you perhaps some more understanding, the sentiment you expressed that I quoted is extremely frightening for most of us. And if your sister felt like most of us, that sentiment terrified your sister as well. As someone who is the same age as she was, you really start to feel the weight of everything you have been through more keenly than ever before.

 

[tooclose6969]

Thank you so much sharing your experience. It is valuable to hear from your side and while her pain may be gone yours is still very much alive.

In the hopes of affording you perhaps some more understanding, the sentiment you expressed that I quoted is extremely frightening for most of us. And if your sister felt like most of us, that sentiment terrified your sister as well. As someone who is the same age as she was, you really start to feel the weight of everything you have been through more keenly than ever before.

I'm not trying to be combative, but I do actually understand that feeling all too well, and my great regret is that I did not tell my sister that. As I mentioned earlier, I seriously attempted suicide, and it would likely have worked had I not been found and EMS called. I changed when I thought I couldn't and wouldn't. And even had I not made that attempt, that wouldn't necessarily preclude me from understanding. It's a tragedy that I can't fully understand your life and you can't fully understand mine, much less over text on a forum, but suffering and fear of both life and death can impose themselves on anyone, and you'd never know.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm not trying to be combative, but I do actually understand that feeling all too well, and my great regret is that I did not tell my sister that. As I mentioned earlier, I seriously attempted suicide, and it would likely have worked had I not been found and EMS called. I changed when I thought I couldn't and wouldn't. And even had I not made that attempt, that wouldn't necessarily preclude me from understanding. It's a tragedy that I can't fully understand your life and you can't fully understand mine, much less over text on a forum, but suffering and fear of both life and death can impose themselves on anyone, and you'd never know.

I didn't mean to invalidate what you have gone through in your life or upset you in general. I deeply apologize for giving that impression. I just felt motivated to share that when you said this:

, the journey through which depends on how I and my family are able to understand her. (But I'll go searching on the forums after I've made enough posts, as suggested, and I hope I find some of that understanding.)

So just based on that idea of looking for understanding, or maybe better put different or new ways/angles of understanding, I just thought to posit that, just based on my feelings and interactions with her and many people who feel similarly, in the hopes it might help even a bit with that goal.


I know that "understanding" won't be the main challenge you face from here on out anyways. I won't pretend to speak out on that process. Again thank you for sharing with the community and being so magnanimous when you didn't have to be.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

I remember reading her post back when I was a lurker, it's always sad when people get to that point. I've lost one person to suicide, and it's not an easy thing to handle, much less if it's a sibling. I can't do more than hope and wish for strength to you and your family, and hope for your sister to rest in peace while she's now free from the pain.

 

[tooclose6969]

(I would post a note on her goodbye thread (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/goodbye-taking-the-sn-bus-tonight.135713), but it's locked.)

To my sister:

I love you and miss you. I wish we could talk just one more time, as I've wished many times over the past year.
It seems so cruel and unnecessary that it ended up this way, but all I can do now is accept what is. Last year was a nightmare, but it's a distant-seeming nightmare now. The days, weeks, and months after you died felt impossible, but since then, not every day has been difficult, and we've been kept very occupied by two kids and projects. What I'm trying to say is that I'm okay, I'll manage, and our lives continue to take unexpected turns that require we keep up.

Our parents are not okay, and that's what has upset me most during the past year about your death. They're good parents and deserve the best in their old age, and I know you would've agreed. Instead, I think they're mostly miserable, though they don't like to show it. I'm not sure how to reckon with that. Did you truly understand that this is what would happen? I don't want to be angry, but I have been, often.

We buried part of your ashes at your favorite camping spot, the one where you cried after a long day of walking because of both tiredness and the beauty of it. I know you would've liked that. It was the hardest thing all year apart from the first couple months. Dad was a mess.

I wish I could show you the new baby. I know you would've loved holding her. And our first child would've really liked having an auntie, and I know you would've had so much fun with her--she's a blast. I feel like I failed you in some ways, but I hope I can teach my kids to be there for each other always.

I would go to a physical place if there were one, but the forums will have to do. I'll drop you a note every year as long as the forums are up. Love you.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I found this forum a year ago. Your sister's and Avaruus' goodbye threads will always stay with me. Some people are just so obviously inherently good. Despite how much they were suffering, they still only ever showed kindness and empathy, to everyone on here.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Sorry for the all the pain you and your parents are still going through.