Venting too weak to live

[ecmnesia]

In the end there is no denying. Suicide is an option because I am weak.

Trauma, mental illness, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, disgust. They are catalysers, still the root of my problems is within me.

It might not be true that all of us lack strength, but I do. As childish as it is, recovery is not worth the effort, it's too much trouble for me.

They say you gotta fight, compete, strive for greatness, shine brighter, but I am a loser with a capital L. Life requires energy: you get up, keep going, sacrifice, work. I don't want to struggle for better days, don't want to get better if it means I have to constantly battle for it.

Call me what you will: failure, lazy, selfish, weak. That's what it is. I do not glorify sacrifice, conquering means nothing for me. I'd rather have and be nothing. In the void there is nothing to hope for, nothing to achieve. You won't rise, but neither you will fall.



ps. I do not intent to imply that this applies to everyone, it's meant only for me.

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

I feel this.

I feel like the decks were stacked against me, but moreover, I am not strong enough to mount any sort of comeback anyway - even if one were possible.

I've said it before, but I feel like just taking my L. Accepting defeat. Is that pathetic - I think so - but idc, I'll just be pathetic then.
Perhaps it's odd to think this way though, because I think I do consider suicide pretty noble. I think it's powerful to actually take control of your life, to be strong enough put an end to the madness - it is not easy. I do respect people who are strong enough to end their suffering.

I don't want to struggle for better days, don't want to get better if it means I have to constantly battle for it.

I really feel this too, and you put it better than I've been able to.

Life is too much hard work, I can't handle it. Even when I handle some aspects okay, it takes such great stress/strain/discomfort/effort (etc.) to do so, that I'm unhappy still.

I don't have the skills, or ability to gain the skills, that are necessary for me to be happy, given the cards I've been dealt. So let me just fold, let me take my L.

 

[Silvermorning]

The only way to "win" at life, is to not play at all. The game is rigged from the start, genetic lottery, parents, where you were born and after all that, a ton of luck, cause any bad move, or random accident, pandemics, diverse crisis, you name it, and any "perfect life" can end up in shambles.

We aren't so much as weak as we are nihilists. I have a feeling most genetically inclined suicidal people (cause yeah, it all comes down to genetics,), give up pretty early in life, if not later, so we become a self fullfiled prophecy. The only way to make life bearable for us is to delude ourselves with religion, work or wine, cause if we have too much spare time we risk thinking too much and sabotaging everything. We will always look for our anhilitation at a subconscious level.

Neurotypical people just arent like us, we can't compare to them, we are a genetic anomaly and in this stratified society theres hardly place for people outside the norm, in other times we might have sailed to a new world or became a hermit.

 

[SelfLiberation]

I'd rather have and be nothing. In the void there is nothing to hope for, nothing to achieve. You won't rise, but neither you will fall.

I can really relate to this.

I hope we all eventually find peace. One way or another.

 

[TooConscious]

I lack motivation to make myself stronger to fight this longer and see if there was a possibility of contentness / happiness.
Some people try for years some for a day some find it some don't. That game of chance causes my motivation loss.

 

[ecmnesia]

I lack motivation to make myself stronger to fight this and see if there was a possibility of happiness. You're very disrespectful and owe alot of people here an apology as some people have really worked hard and suffered unspeakably to try to a tain contentness bug it's always out of reach for them. If me and you are idle it doesn't mean everyone else is.

with all due respect, I'd advise you to read the post again. I made it very clear that this vent is a personal issue and does not apply to anyone else. I'm very aware that lots of users in here have been through hell and been giving even more that I could possibly imagine to get better. Under no circumstances I wish to be disrespectful and honestly I don't believe I was. But if somehow I offended you, or anyone, I'm deeply sorry.

 

[TooConscious]

with all due respect, I'd advise you to read the post again. I made it very clear that this vent is a personal issue and does not apply to anyone else. I'm very aware that lots of users in here have been through hell and been giving even more that I could possibly imagine to get better. Under no circumstances I wish to be disrespectful and honestly I don't believe I was. But if somehow I offended you, or anyone, I'm deeply sorry.

It's me who should be and IS sorry... I am skimming through long posts that I find interesting, but like on topic have little motivation to 100%engage I'm also completely uneducated grammar wise literature etc I'm completely self-taught so I am very sorry for not properly understanding your post. I hope it is clear my intentions were proper. Warm wishes

 

[TheSomebody]

It is not your fault for not having motivation. We live in a world where the path to success is almost linear: study, go to college and then get a job. But not everyone was born for this, not everyone is motivated to follow this path. I have no motivation to do any of this. Anything Im good at will not bring me money.

Today my dad came to my room calling me trash (as usual). He said that I dress the wrong way, behave the wrong way, that I need to be more elegant and more classy, otherwise nobody will be pleased with me. He said that if I want to be someone in life, I will have to dress and behave the way that pleases others, because we are social beings and we need other people to live properly.

What he said is really true, because alone you do not grow in life. But also, that's why the world sucks.

A world where we cannot be ourselves and if you don't fit in that world you will rot on your own.

Just put a fish in a world of monkeys and it will die without being able to climb a tree. This is how I feel.

 

[TooConscious]

It is not your fault for not having motivation. We live in a world where the path to success is almost linear: study, go to college and then get a job. But not everyone was born for this, not everyone is motivated to follow this path. I have no motivation to do any of this. Anything Im good at will not bring me money.

Today my dad came to my room calling me trash (as usual). He said that I dress the wrong way, behave the wrong way, that I need to be more elegant and more classy, otherwise nobody will be pleased with me. He said that if I want to be someone in life, I will have to dress and behave the way that pleases others, because we are social beings and we need other people to live properly.

What he said is really true, because alone you do not grow in life. But also, that's why the world sucks.

A world where we cannot be ourselves and if you don't fit in that world you will rot on your own.

Just put a fish in a world of monkeys and it will die without being able to climb a tree. This is how I feel.

 

[Superdeterminist]

In the end there is no denying. Suicide is an option because I am weak.

Trauma, mental illness, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, disgust. They are catalysers, still the root of my problems is within me.

It might not be true that all of us lack strength, but I do. As childish as it is, recovery is not worth the effort, it's too much trouble for me.

They say you gotta fight, compete, strive for greatness, shine brighter, but I am a loser with a capital L. Life requires energy: you get up, keep going, sacrifice, work. I don't want to struggle for better days, don't want to get better if it means I have to constantly battle for it.

Call me what you will: failure, lazy, selfish, weak. That's what it is. I do not glorify sacrifice, conquering means nothing for me. I'd rather have and be nothing. In the void there is nothing to hope for, nothing to achieve. You won't rise, but neither you will fall.



ps. I do not intent to imply that this applies to everyone, it's meant only for me.

I really feel this as well. As you suggested, there are many who would deem the act of ctb lazy, selfish, pathetic, and so on - let them have their judgements, I won't be shamed into changing my mind about this hellhole called existence. The fact is that I lack that inner fire for life that I'm constantly told I'm 'supposed' to have - I didn't choose to lack it, it's just missing for some reason. If I could will myself into a mindset that enjoyed and yearned for life, I of course would, but that's not how it works.

 

[ecmnesia]

the things you both said remind me a lot of pink floyd's song Dogs and I quote:

And after a while, you can work on points for style
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake
A certain look in the eye and an easy smile

as said, society make us blend it, and social structure guarantees that we will be keep in place. I once read a few chapters of Michael Foucault book about Panopticism, and I think it can really be related to this matter, as we don't need guards at all to keep on watching us, since we watch each others enough to the point that we are automatically aware when we step out of the rules, thefore most of us don't even dare to step out of the line. I can't really explain it in deep. But I'd recommend you to read.

I'm deeply sorry that you have to go through this @TheSomebody as I do experience it myself, fucking tired of listening to people saying that I am not femine enough, or not [insert your profession in here]-alike. That I should do this or that, think like this or like that. And honestly, I'd like to be daring enough to try and change it, but I'm not.

I really feel this as well. As you suggested, there are many who would deem the act of ctb lazy, selfish, pathetic, and so on - let them have their judgements, I won't be shamed into changing my mind about this hellhole called existence. The fact is that I lack that inner fire for life that I'm constantly told I'm 'supposed' to have - I didn't choose to lack it, it's just missing for some reason. If I could will myself into a mindset that enjoyed and yearned for life, I of course would, but that's not how it works.

yes, I don't think anyone would choose to suffer if given the option.

 

[TheSomebody]

And I'm sure if I tell him(My dad)/ that, then he'll say to me:

"In life, we don't just do what we like and what we are good at. We all have to do things we don't like too. That's how life works."

This is also true. But people who can dedicate themselves to things they don't like have the strength to do it, unlike me. These people also usually have friends, they have a functional family (which I never had), they are sometimes good looking and they don't have as many mental traumas as I do.
This way it is much easier to have the strength and motivation to do everything. But someone like me, who fits absolutely nothing, who has no friends, full of traumas and a ridiculously low self-esteem, everything I hate is impossible to do.

If I only had the strength to overcome all this, I would still have to dedicate myself so much and sincerely, I don't think it's worth it. I prefer to simply lie in a bed and never wake up again, so that I won't have to worry about anything else.

 

[TooConscious]

And I'm sure if I tell him(My dad)/ that, then he'll say to me:

"In life, we don't just do what we like and what we are good at. We all have to do things we don't like too. That's how life works."

This is also true. But people who can dedicate themselves to things they don't like have the strength to do it, unlike me. These people also usually have friends, they have a functional family (which I never had), they are sometimes good looking and they don't have as many mental traumas as I do.
This way it is much easier to have the strength and motivation to do everything. But someone like me, who fits absolutely nothing, who has no friends, full of traumas and a ridiculously low self-esteem, everything I hate is impossible to do.

If I only had the strength to overcome all this, I would still have to dedicate myself so much and sincerely, I don't think it's worth it. I prefer to simply lie in a bed and never wake up again, so that I won't have to worry about anything else.

I feel the same as you.... Though I disagree that trauma and ailments are something that prevents everyone as some people can utilise them and it actually motivates them to get ahead/achieve in every other department. I'm not one of those people hence agreeing with OP that I'm weak... I just don't know if by choice or nature or nurture and I don't care now.

 

[TheSomebody]

^
Just because someone has the same trauma and ailments as you doesn't mean they feel the same pain as you do, thats why I don't label people as weak or strong anymore.
We cannot expect someone who has grown up suffering from various psychological traumas to turn this into motivation and become someone happy and successful in life.

Also, are we really weak? Maybe we were just born in the wrong world. The saying of fish and monkey sum up it well. As much as the fish tries, it will never have the strength to climb a tree, because of its physical limitations. So a fish in a monkey-dominated world is doomed to failure.
The fish in this saying is basically your mind. If my mind doesn't fit the rules of this world at all, then what chances would I have?