puppet_nihilist
cogito, ergo sum
- Jan 8, 2021
- 227
I don't mean for the title to sound hesitant, I am going to CTB about two weeks from now and I am not particularly hesitant about that. The effect I intended for my title to have is to convey my feelings of regret and guilt of having lived a short, pathetic life with a lot of expectations thwarted by my idiocy and lack of responsibility and discipline.
Some day last week, I was sitting in front of my laptop while it was shutting down when I felt immense guilt fill my chest, I literally went "the only actual redemption would've been if I have never even been born at all." But, it was extremely clear to me, like very crystal clear, that not having existed in the first place would've been my only true redemption/salvation. I am really nihilistic these days sadly, not by choice, but by temperament.
Here's a peculiar thing though, what was really different this time around, when I wished that I was never born in that seemingly edgy manner, is that I didn't say it in my usual passively suicidal tone. This time, I truly and deeply believed that it was the only redemption. What feels profoundly messed up this time around when I wished I wasn't born, is that I surmised that not even suicide can come close to giving me salvation. Not even suicide can negate the harm done or give me peace, it can give me some eternal quiet, but the pathetic legacy I will leave behind is immortal. I would be a fool to think that my life ends with my suicide, this failed experiment will forever keep rotting and my existence has already been etched into this hellhole the day I was conceived. Suicide is nice though, I wouldn't be aware of all this bs, but right now, contemplating my due date, it's agonizing having to be aware of this burden.
I need some tiny reassurance regarding my nearing suicide, I hope I can successfully hang myself. I just feel so bound to life every time I attempt suicide or practice it, life feels so annoyingly sticky and I can't easily get it off of me. Suicide will never solve any problem, it isn't a severe enough punishment for my failure to adapt to covid's shitty consequences, I will die without repaying my family the debt of having raised me and supported me till now (I am 19 in uni just for some perspective). How do I cope with this extreme guilt, this guilt of deserting my family and embracing death, this guilt of having achieved nothing, of having lived for selfish, temporary desires, of having lacked any sense of duty during the last shitty three months? Why can't I find solace in suicide like I used to more than a year ago? Why does my existence feel so tragic and so impossibly irredeemable? Finally, a side question, how do usernames get striked out in this forum? Have the people with strikes on their names committed suicide already? I am just new so I've been wondering, I also want to know how I would get a strike on my name once I successfully CTB lol. I have been a longtime lurker, glad to meet you all, and glad this site exists. It has helped immensely.
Some day last week, I was sitting in front of my laptop while it was shutting down when I felt immense guilt fill my chest, I literally went "the only actual redemption would've been if I have never even been born at all." But, it was extremely clear to me, like very crystal clear, that not having existed in the first place would've been my only true redemption/salvation. I am really nihilistic these days sadly, not by choice, but by temperament.
Here's a peculiar thing though, what was really different this time around, when I wished that I was never born in that seemingly edgy manner, is that I didn't say it in my usual passively suicidal tone. This time, I truly and deeply believed that it was the only redemption. What feels profoundly messed up this time around when I wished I wasn't born, is that I surmised that not even suicide can come close to giving me salvation. Not even suicide can negate the harm done or give me peace, it can give me some eternal quiet, but the pathetic legacy I will leave behind is immortal. I would be a fool to think that my life ends with my suicide, this failed experiment will forever keep rotting and my existence has already been etched into this hellhole the day I was conceived. Suicide is nice though, I wouldn't be aware of all this bs, but right now, contemplating my due date, it's agonizing having to be aware of this burden.
I need some tiny reassurance regarding my nearing suicide, I hope I can successfully hang myself. I just feel so bound to life every time I attempt suicide or practice it, life feels so annoyingly sticky and I can't easily get it off of me. Suicide will never solve any problem, it isn't a severe enough punishment for my failure to adapt to covid's shitty consequences, I will die without repaying my family the debt of having raised me and supported me till now (I am 19 in uni just for some perspective). How do I cope with this extreme guilt, this guilt of deserting my family and embracing death, this guilt of having achieved nothing, of having lived for selfish, temporary desires, of having lacked any sense of duty during the last shitty three months? Why can't I find solace in suicide like I used to more than a year ago? Why does my existence feel so tragic and so impossibly irredeemable? Finally, a side question, how do usernames get striked out in this forum? Have the people with strikes on their names committed suicide already? I am just new so I've been wondering, I also want to know how I would get a strike on my name once I successfully CTB lol. I have been a longtime lurker, glad to meet you all, and glad this site exists. It has helped immensely.