Venting too sick for meaningful connection, but the loneliness is suffocating…

[deadwinter]

Hello,

I find myself reverting back to the bitter, cynical, fatalistic person I thought I had buried, and that I had criticized and loathed when I was "better" (this, however, was a transient period that almost deceived me of its permanence). I feel myself slipping into it like a deep, intoxicating sleep.

I feel I am not in the right place for a friendship or relationship of any kind. I push people away and ghost them, and/or obsessively cling to them. I think I've forgotten (or never knew in the first place) how to interact with another in a natural way. I don't know how to make small talk, carry on a conversation, or comfort someone. My self-hatred makes me extremely sensitive, such that someone's tone can dictate my mood for the rest of the day. I try to fight it, but it's exhausting. Not to mention, I either have to suppress my emotions and act "fine" and "normal" (which is incredibly taxing) or burden others with my pessimism and apathy.

Unfortunately, my inherent, human need/desire for meaningful connection is still there, and I don't know how to fulfill it. I try to convince myself that I prefer solitude to company, but the loneliness gets to me, so intensely sometimes that I feel physically sick.

It seems that this will be my agonizing reality for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if this is me being realistic or another distortion. I'm tired, hopeless, and lonely, so awfully lonely…

Thank you for reading.

 

[Little_Suzy]

You don't need to be alone. If you have the resources and energy to properly care of a pet, they make loving companions.

 

[whywere]

You are NEVER EVER alone on here, as we are ALL family, as far as I am concerned, and you are such a wonderfully loving soul and I agree with @Little_Suzy that a pet might be a wonderful addition. After I retire, I am going to get a Ragdoll cat.

Have a great week and lots of hugs to you!

Walter

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I could've written much of this myself. I especially relate to this passage (which, I might add, was very well-written):

I find myself reverting back to the bitter, cynical, fatalistic person I thought I had buried, and that I had criticized and loathed when I was "better" (this, however, was a transient period that almost deceived me of its permanence). I feel myself slipping into it like a deep, intoxicating sleep.

These days I have no energy left to care about anything, let alone other people. I never had any friends, just my parents and my brothers. At this point, I have now let all relations with them wither into nothingness through sheer apathy. Everyday I wake up to no new notifications, and it often stays that way for the entire day. I find myself lamenting that fact, and yet at the same time, when my brother does send me a message, I then find myself irritated.

Obviously, in such a state, forming new relations with other people is out of the question. Even if I did have the energy for it, it wouldn't be fair to them. Unless you want to talk about suicide or death 24/7, I have nothing to give. Despite all that, I have to admit to myself that I still long for connection. I can't seem to shut it off, no matter how irrational it is in my current circumstances...

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I relate a lot to what you said. I also long for connection, and I've been trying to make it work, but it's so damn hard. I have no energy to pretend that I'm a normal person. On the app for making friends, I even described myself as someone who has been through a lot and who is pessimistic and negative.

Was able to go out with a girl and I didn't hold back, I had already told her I was severely mentally ill and during the outing I told her about being suicidal and everything else. Felt like all was going well as we were meant to have a coffee, time flew by and she invited me to dinner. Some days later she told me she didn't want to see me again and that our outing exhausted her mentally. So much for her saying she had no problems with mentally ill people... lol

All of this to say that, yeah, I too want a friend so bad but I just can't pretend I'm a normie and people don't want to deal with mentally ill people. I'm done pretending, either someone accepts that this is who I am or they can all fuck off.

 

[deadwinter]

Obviously, in such a state, forming new relations with other people is out of the question. Even if I did have the energy for it, it wouldn't be fair to them. Unless you want to talk about suicide or death 24/7, I have nothing to give. Despite all that, I have to admit to myself that I still long for connection. I can't seem to shut it off, no matter how irrational it is in my current circumstances...

Thank you. I relate deeply to every single word you wrote, and it has given me at least some comfort (as much as it can). My only relief, at this point, seems to be in commiseration, but this is largely unattainable. In every conversation, I find myself having to suppress my heavy emotions and morbid worldview, which begs for catharsis as an temporary escape from the nausea of stifled feeling. I often feel depressingly like a human Petri dish, isolating myself and bottling up my feelings until I'm moldy and rotten, broken down, completely. I know I burden others with my company (that of my unfiltered self), and I burden myself in the effort to come across as "normal" and make my presence enjoyable (or at least somewhat bearable).

It feels like an evil, sadistic joke that the desire for connection remains as strong as ever, even in times when this is virtually impossible. I still hold onto a sliver of hope, but I can feel it fading with time...

All of this to say that, yeah, I too want a friend so bad but I just can't pretend I'm a normie and people don't want to deal with mentally ill people. I'm done pretending, either someone accepts that this is who I am or they can all fuck off.

I empathize with you wholeheartedly; experiences like these are so incredibly painful and disheartening. The issue is, it's not just an occasional occurrence; it's constant, and it seems impossible to find even a single person with whom I can be my raw, unfiltered self. I understand that it's taxing and burdensome to deal with mentally ill people, but this doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Thank you. I relate deeply to every single word you wrote, and it has given me at least some comfort (as much as it can). My only relief, at this point, seems to be in commiseration, but this is largely unattainable. In every conversation, I find myself having to suppress my heavy emotions and morbid worldview, which begs for catharsis as an temporary escape from the nausea of stifled feeling. I often feel depressingly like a human Petri dish, isolating myself and bottling up my feelings until I'm moldy and rotten, broken down, completely. I know I burden others with my company (that of my unfiltered self), and I burden myself in the effort to come across as "normal" and make my presence enjoyable (or at least somewhat bearable).

It feels like an evil, sadistic joke that the desire for connection remains as strong as ever, even in times when this is virtually impossible. I still hold onto a sliver of hope, but I can feel it fading with time...

I too often feel like the universe is playing a sick joke on me.

Do you write at all? You seem to have a knack for it and I've personally found that it can serve as that release valve that we ideally would like to get from other people, but that, as we've noted, is often impossible to find. Nothing can ever be a replacement for the real thing, of course, but in a pinch, writing can also bring catharsis.

I understand that it's taxing and burdensome to deal with mentally ill people, but this doesn't make it hurt any less.

This is something else that makes it so hard to deal with: you can't even reasonably complain about it! (Except on SaSu). Because what exactly did the other person do wrong? They have their own life with their own problems and they can't be reasonably expected to let themselves be dragged down by the weight of your mental illness on top of everything else, especially if they're just a friend and not someone with a pre-existing deep personal investment in you. For all I know, if I were in their position, I'd do the same.

I sometimes feel like the drowning person in this quote from BoJack Horseman:

On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble, and you're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them, but you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save. 'Cause those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.

I'm so far deep in my "bitter, cynical, fatalistic" pit that the only way to genuinely interact with me is to immerse yourself in the same pit.