Too selfish

[N33dT0D13]

I'm too selfish to live because I only want to ctb for petty childish reasons, yet I'm too selfish to die because I can't get past my own ego and emotions. I need to give up my dogs or arrange for someone to take them after my death without raising alarm bells. No *real* plan but hoping I can trigger "give-up-itis" and die in bed lmao, though considering tryna find SN, or fent lol, lotta druggies in my area, just need to be friendly, get to know em.

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm both disgusted enough with myself and resentful enough of others to go, or at least getting there. There is nothing on this earth for me anymore. If I can get good homes for my dogs then I will be free.

 

[Zerin]

I'm sorry to hear all that, I hope you find peace and a suitable home for your dogs, a while ago I thought about dying for losing someone who was my reason for living, now I live for nothing and I hope to find a suitable way to die too

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Not even your dogs that rely on you, and love you? Animals feel emotions too you know.

You said there is nothing here for you, yet you have your dogs to care for. .? So you have animals that you are responsible for and made a commitment to, to take care of them until their death.

I'm sure your dogs will be heartbroken. Animals build attachments too

Can you not take your dogs for a nice walk? Get you out for a bit and it'll help distract your mind. Play with your dogs.

They literally need you, they depend on you. It isn't fair to just discard them because you feel like killing yourself - don't you see how wrong that is? It is evident you love them, because you would've given them up long ago if you didn't.

I'm not trying to guilt trip you, I hope you don't see it that way, I know how tough it is, even when you have animals to care for. But you have a responsibility. You decided to take on that responsibility.

I would say the same if anyone was planning on ending their life with kids, it is still a responsibility, regardless whether they are human or animal.

Please think of them

 

[N33dT0D13]

Not even your dogs that rely on you, and love you? Animals feel emotions too you know.

You said there is nothing here for you, yet you have your dogs to care for. .? So you have animals that you are responsible for and made a commitment to, to take care of them until their death.

I'm sure your dogs will be heartbroken. Animals build attachments too

Can you not take your dogs for a nice walk? Get you out for a bit and it'll help distract your mind. Play with your dogs.

They literally need you, they depend on you. It isn't fair to just discard them because you feel like killing yourself - don't you see how wrong that is? It is evident you love them, because you would've given them up long ago if you didn't.

I'm not trying to guilt trip you, I hope you don't see it that way, I know how tough it is, even when you have animals to care for. But you have a responsibility. You decided to take on that responsibility.

I would say the same if anyone was planning on ending their life with kids, it is still a responsibility, regardless whether they are human or animal.

Please think of them

I was considering just staying alive for their lifespans, trying to give them a good life and finally letting myself die once they're gone. I feel I'm not good enough to them, sometimes I'm too tired to walk them as many times as I should, sometimes I don't give them the attention they want / need, and honestly as pathetic as I feel it sounds, the emotional pain is tearing me apart inside. I don't have any concrete plans yet, I don't want to do anything impulsive specifically because I tend to be an impulsive person.

I was thinking about my dogs when I posted this but felt they "didn't count" as they didn't exactly get a choice to be with me or not. One dog likes my godmom more but I know my godmom doesn't want dogs. The other dog, I worry for, he's loving but also wild and I fear he would be put down if he ends up in a shelter, I don't want that for him. A guy who works for my apartment building likes the wild dog despite the dog not liking him back, I fantasize about him taking the dog and socializing him better, like I failed to do. I love my dogs but fear I don't love them enough, that I can't give them the life they deserve. They're still young so waiting out their lifespans would take a while but, I guess I could make them my reason to live, stop doing so much for other people and do more for my dogs. idk. More brainstorming required I guess.

I also want to note that I didn't want another dog after my old dog died, my mother bought me one as a gift afterwards, then that dog had puppies and I kept one. She wanted to rush past me grieving my old dog. I could've refused a new dog but felt I couldn't, so I guess I *did* take on the responsibility... Yay.