bailed on visiting the escort today. maybe another time, though. i haven't eaten today so that definitely contributed to me feeling as if i wouldn't perform at all when it came to sexual activity. i hate how the culture promotes this emphasis on developing arbitrary external features (modifying phenotype) in accordance to what men deem attractive to women. personally i am in a vacuum of self-doubt. i have no clue if i am attractive or average; usually people gather whether or not they are by the kind of responses they elicit from other people. i don't interact with people, nor do i have any means of doing so. this fear i can only equate to invisible manacles.
a lot of people say that women are human, and you are human, so therefore there is nothing to be afraid of. people are complex and not reducible to a set of features. but that's precisely the problem for me. i find that when i reduce someone to something manageable and two-dimensional within my own mind it becomes a lot easier to talk to them. but i always gauge responses and attitudes in my own mind to the point where i feel the impression i make will always either be negative or asinine in nature.
i remember when i didn't care about these kinds of things. i devoted myself to my interests only, and lived in a world between the living and dead. i would seldom interact with those that had value to me, and devoted myself to the words of dead men. now i realize the importance of maintaining relationships in order to extract value from the governing community. i would explicate some feature or relationship which i found demonstrably true, only for my instincts to realise that it was a lie, that i was operating within some false epistemology, that imposing this condition of truth would not produce anything of practical merit. taking relationships for instance, what really hit me was that people have wants which are independent of logically superior outcomes: they are desires. people do not value what is given to them, they always want more. if you are blessed with a circle of friends, there is always one who wants to extend his grasp. there is always a friend who wants to associate with more like-minded people, who gauges his own emotions and decides that there is something better to achieve. happiness is like a zero-sum game.
in any case, this has revitalized a kind of gynophobia in me. i only realized it very recently, as i had always thought of people in a very abstract, detached way. it was valuable to me to have acquaintances, but only because this opened up opportunities to pursue my own interests. now that i have come to realize that people pursue their own independent wants, it has ruined any chance for me to interact with women. the pretty store clerk, the girl in the moth-eaten dress, the concert girls, etc.: obviously this applies to men too, but i'm speaking in terms of finding partners. i can't handle the expectation that things could become serious with a woman.
this is why i think it is absurd when people say that there is a partner for everyone. it might make sense in your mind to partner the undesirables with their counterpart undesirables, but who is to say that they want to settle? they pursue something greater than the standard logic to which we ought to operate; a logic of independency. this is not a critique, but a truism.
so i will commit now to the belief that i have nothing of value to contribute. i perceive these relationships for what they are; and i feel no desperation, for i am not interested in sex proper. i am only just now coming to the conclusion that it's truly over for me. i know that i shouldn't overthink such things, but i can't help it. the inital step is something i cannot overcome, and it is an instinctive fear so it does not apply in this scenario. i have only justified this instinct now. just like in climbing, one should only have a vague notion of what kind of movements may best serve them in order to reach their goal (the endpoint). it is impossible to gauge ones own muscular contractions, nor their own strength in application to every point of contact. it is a matter of doing, not thinking. yet this will not enable you to scale the wall. idealism is cowardice.
i ask myself: if i am too scared to visit a fucking escort, how will i be brave enough to die on my own terms? i have yet to answer this question
a lot of people say that women are human, and you are human, so therefore there is nothing to be afraid of. people are complex and not reducible to a set of features. but that's precisely the problem for me. i find that when i reduce someone to something manageable and two-dimensional within my own mind it becomes a lot easier to talk to them. but i always gauge responses and attitudes in my own mind to the point where i feel the impression i make will always either be negative or asinine in nature.
i remember when i didn't care about these kinds of things. i devoted myself to my interests only, and lived in a world between the living and dead. i would seldom interact with those that had value to me, and devoted myself to the words of dead men. now i realize the importance of maintaining relationships in order to extract value from the governing community. i would explicate some feature or relationship which i found demonstrably true, only for my instincts to realise that it was a lie, that i was operating within some false epistemology, that imposing this condition of truth would not produce anything of practical merit. taking relationships for instance, what really hit me was that people have wants which are independent of logically superior outcomes: they are desires. people do not value what is given to them, they always want more. if you are blessed with a circle of friends, there is always one who wants to extend his grasp. there is always a friend who wants to associate with more like-minded people, who gauges his own emotions and decides that there is something better to achieve. happiness is like a zero-sum game.
in any case, this has revitalized a kind of gynophobia in me. i only realized it very recently, as i had always thought of people in a very abstract, detached way. it was valuable to me to have acquaintances, but only because this opened up opportunities to pursue my own interests. now that i have come to realize that people pursue their own independent wants, it has ruined any chance for me to interact with women. the pretty store clerk, the girl in the moth-eaten dress, the concert girls, etc.: obviously this applies to men too, but i'm speaking in terms of finding partners. i can't handle the expectation that things could become serious with a woman.
this is why i think it is absurd when people say that there is a partner for everyone. it might make sense in your mind to partner the undesirables with their counterpart undesirables, but who is to say that they want to settle? they pursue something greater than the standard logic to which we ought to operate; a logic of independency. this is not a critique, but a truism.
so i will commit now to the belief that i have nothing of value to contribute. i perceive these relationships for what they are; and i feel no desperation, for i am not interested in sex proper. i am only just now coming to the conclusion that it's truly over for me. i know that i shouldn't overthink such things, but i can't help it. the inital step is something i cannot overcome, and it is an instinctive fear so it does not apply in this scenario. i have only justified this instinct now. just like in climbing, one should only have a vague notion of what kind of movements may best serve them in order to reach their goal (the endpoint). it is impossible to gauge ones own muscular contractions, nor their own strength in application to every point of contact. it is a matter of doing, not thinking. yet this will not enable you to scale the wall. idealism is cowardice.
i ask myself: if i am too scared to visit a fucking escort, how will i be brave enough to die on my own terms? i have yet to answer this question
