3/4Dead
This Body Needs An Overhaul
- Feb 27, 2024
- 162
I sometimes worry that with how much I talk about my issues with my parents on here, especially as it pretains to college that I'll be one of the people suspected of being a minor. I'm not, I swear.
Anyway.
Usually suicidal ideation, when it gets bad, comes in waves for me. It'll be a few hours of wanting to desperately die (see my prev posts) and then it will go back to being a refrigerator hum; wanting to die but not painfully yearning for it to a point of desperation. Good God I've never wanted to die so badly for so many consecutive days but its been eating at me since Friday (it is now Tuesday where I am) and it's practically all I can think about. Everything is too much, the anxiety of going about a day, a day of work, a day in my house, a day of "recovery", is always too much. Preparing for full time school (college) has made dealing with my parents exponentially more difficult, they're always hovering, or present in some way, and for the better part of my life they will continue to be, I'm such a hassle and they make it seem as though all I do is create problems or add more hurdles for them. I know that my presence, that my existence, and so many things about me, make them uncomfortable. It's not that I think they'd be better off with me dead, I know better, I also know, however, that I cannot be what they want, that nothing I do will even come close.
I want nothing more than to die. While I do wish that my feelings would stop being so intense, I know that many things, mainly relating to them and living in this body, cannot change, and dying is truly the only way out. Everything must be this way. I'm not doing anything meaninful, anyway. I doubt I mean much to anyone, anyway.
My anxiety is at an all time high, and will not seem to come down regardless of what I do, what pills I take, or how much deep breathing and mindful meditation I do. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think. I'm so goddamn exhausted.
I know better than to do it impulsively, or to be risky, the thoughts and the feelings are just so overpowering and I know it's much more than I'm strong enough to bear. I'll still, more than likely, live for another few years and get a feel for how school feels again, see if this time it gives me some sense of purpose, for living. I doubt it, but I can kill myself anytime, the same cannot be said about this opporotunity.
Anyway.
Usually suicidal ideation, when it gets bad, comes in waves for me. It'll be a few hours of wanting to desperately die (see my prev posts) and then it will go back to being a refrigerator hum; wanting to die but not painfully yearning for it to a point of desperation. Good God I've never wanted to die so badly for so many consecutive days but its been eating at me since Friday (it is now Tuesday where I am) and it's practically all I can think about. Everything is too much, the anxiety of going about a day, a day of work, a day in my house, a day of "recovery", is always too much. Preparing for full time school (college) has made dealing with my parents exponentially more difficult, they're always hovering, or present in some way, and for the better part of my life they will continue to be, I'm such a hassle and they make it seem as though all I do is create problems or add more hurdles for them. I know that my presence, that my existence, and so many things about me, make them uncomfortable. It's not that I think they'd be better off with me dead, I know better, I also know, however, that I cannot be what they want, that nothing I do will even come close.
I want nothing more than to die. While I do wish that my feelings would stop being so intense, I know that many things, mainly relating to them and living in this body, cannot change, and dying is truly the only way out. Everything must be this way. I'm not doing anything meaninful, anyway. I doubt I mean much to anyone, anyway.
My anxiety is at an all time high, and will not seem to come down regardless of what I do, what pills I take, or how much deep breathing and mindful meditation I do. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think. I'm so goddamn exhausted.
I know better than to do it impulsively, or to be risky, the thoughts and the feelings are just so overpowering and I know it's much more than I'm strong enough to bear. I'll still, more than likely, live for another few years and get a feel for how school feels again, see if this time it gives me some sense of purpose, for living. I doubt it, but I can kill myself anytime, the same cannot be said about this opporotunity.
