Suicide really is so difficult and just because you feel like you are unable to go through with it doesn't necessarily mean that you are lazy. I think that if it was easier to leave, I would already be gone. The fear of failure is what holds me back from attempting personally.
I know that this life can be unbearable when you suffer so much and I'm sorry that you are trapped in such a hopeless situation. I think that a peaceful suicide should be a human right, none of us asked for this horrible life in the first place anyway. I hope that you find what you are looking for.