Venting too guilty to die, too guilty to live

[tsuina]

i've got family who loves me, my partner (rocky relationship), my pets, and an important person in heaven i hope is rooting for me. i can't die- i'd feel too guilty leaving them all behind, and maybe my lost loved one would be upset with me once i make it to the afterlife. or maybe i'd go to hell. but i don't want to hurt everyone around me, even if it means i'm forever miserable. even the people who hurt me... i'd feel guilty, like they won. maybe i'd feel nothing after death, but what if i did, and all that followed me was guilt and regret? plus, i guess i do like life, i just don't like my life.
but then i've got my own misery, my own suffering, my own constant pain, my past haunting me. being rejected from society. being isolated long-term regardless of the virus. how can i keep living like this??? living on makes me feel guilty for myself- i deserve better, i deserve to suffer less.. i deserve to be saved. i feel guilty for not saving myself..
i feel so trapped. just wish i could find a solution but there is no inbetween of life and death, it's one or the other.. i wish i could shapeshift into a domestic house cat and live like that forever..

 

[AnotherBrick]

I get it. Your family is very lucky to have someone who considers their well being in spite of the pain. It's a very difficult place to be in. On one hand, you want to protect them. On the other, you want to protect yourself, too. It's very thoughtful and empathetic of you to take them into account.

I'm in the same boat, I won't push you one way or the other. But this battle is not easy and it takes strength to wake up and fight it every day. I'm proud of you.

 

[tsuina]

I get it. Your family is very lucky to have someone who considers their well being in spite of the pain. It's a very difficult place to be in. On one hand, you want to protect them. On the other, you want to protect yourself, too. It's very thoughtful and empathetic of you to take them into account.

I'm in the same boat, I won't push you one way or the other. But this battle is not easy and it takes strength to wake up and fight it every day. I'm proud of you.

yeah it sucks.. i'm hoping i can hold out until my partner inevitably leaves me and my parents and pets have passed.. but this will be so many years in the future. i guess it gives me something to look forward to in a way, like "one day i'll have my release" but it's so hard to just wait and wait purely over the guilt and not wanting to hurt people.. especially my pets. i couldn't hurt or abandon them like that. to me it's like leaving my actual human children behind if i were to have any (ha, no.) and my partner is a big one too no matter how much they unintentionally make me want to die when we fight...
thank you also, you're really strong as well being here today. also, thank you for your kind words on my post. and whatever path you choose, or whenever you choose it, i wish you happiness!!

 

[AnotherBrick]

I can definitely relate. The fact that you have pets and consider them children tells me you have a beautiful soul (though I'm biased because I think the same of my cats).

I don't know your partner, but you deserve to feel safe and loved by them. I'm a bit worried how you mentioned your fights affect you, I'm not an expert but please be careful. Toxic relationships have definitely played a role in my coming to SS, and I've been driven to self harm from them. Unintentional damage is damage nonetheless. Please do not take it lightly when I say that YOU, Tsuina, are worthy of love and respect. You have innate value as a human and you do not exist to serve others.

If you choose to continue on in their name, that's your decision. But it's not something they are owed. I'm wishing you peace and happiness in your journey as well. As you can see, life is full of pain. But kind souls like yours and many others here can be a source of hope, if you'd like it to be.

 

[TooConscious]

The fact you're saying this means you have more conscience than most.

 

[Thinking]

This is exactly my dilemma. I really understand where you are coming from