Venting Too disabled to properly prepare

[WearyWanderer]

So it's only been a year since I've been dealing with severe pudendal neuralgia, sciatica, and a royally messed-up pelvis, but every day feels like a month.

I've had to have a home health aide since April (well, my family members were pretty much my aides before that) and I hate it. I finally graduated college only to go back in time. Now, I have to be pushed in a wheelchair but sitting is super uncomfortable because my left SI joint is twisted and smashed up against my pelvis. I require help with simple tasks like getting dressed & making food. If I didn't have this pain, or needed a wheelchair for some other reason, I feel like it'd all be somewhat more bearable.

I realized recently that my plan needs a lot of work. I can't even put on my shoes in order to make my way outside. I'm also not sure how I'd get down the porch steps alone.
And now no one knows where my lanyard with all my keys (including my car keys) are even though it was on my desk two days ago.

My plan was to drive to some lake taking my car keys, possibly goggles, my muscle relaxants, and my phone with me. But I'm not even sure if I'm able to physically drive anymore because both of my SI joints are so twisted.

And SN isn't really an option for me because it's too complicated to arrange and I can't hide my own mail. Hanging and ODing are out because I can't practice hanging and don't kow how. ODing is just too unreliable and I have a fear of meds.

My main problem is that I wanted to CTB somewhere that's not my home so my family wouldn't walk in and see me lying there because I just feel like that would be too traumatic.

Ironically, if I were able to pull all this shit off then maybe I wouldn't do it because I'd be well enough to set everything up.

I also want to make sure my method has the highest chance of success. For me, it seems like the best option is drowning (or shallow water blackout if I can figure out how) because I can't swim and it's easier to float than walk.

Since I won't be able to swim back to shore, I'd have to eventually go, I figure.

I've also read about people where I live dying in the water in spring / summer from hypothermia. If I do go through with it, it'll need to be summertime so I can carry less clothing and be a tiny bit more comfy / warm on the way there.

In some ways, I wish I'd thought of all this sooner. At first, I was like, "Yeah I hate my life right now but at least it's only on the left side. I can still use my right leg normally. Maybe it'll get better." Aaanndd now the nerve is caught on both sides and I have no clue how I'd get from my bed to my car and then from my car to the lake. *sigh* It would probably take over an hour for each "trip."

Then there's the fact that the night before, I'd basically have to make up some elaborate story as to why I needed my family to set up my stuff a certain way (I'd need one of them to arrange all the supplies :/). If I could somehow convince them to set it up, then they might feel like they aided in my death.

And my main goal was to do it all alone so no one else would (wrongly) blame themself.

 

[LadyAlastor]

so I read your post and I can get some form of understanding but you also have to understand that you're the one that's suffering and you are literally the definition of physical suffering.

from the looks of it you're not just suffering physically but you're also suffering mentally you ought to have to put this into account that yes this may horrify your loved ones however with time it will pass.

not everyone's going to dwell on it and even the ones that do dwell again it will pass may they numb it through having to drink or smoke or therapy, it's not about them it's about you everyone has a timer and it's their choice to cut it short may they be suffering like you are or otherwise.

You're not being selfish you're making a decision you feel is necessary and everyone here is going to support you no one in this community wants to see anyone suffer, this is why you should do what you feel you need to do and not feel guilty about it and not find reasons not to do it.

You don't deserve to suffer the way you are suffering no one does everyone has the right to choose when they want to die and where and so do you.

 

[xBrialesana]

Love I am so SO sorry to read this. I don't have proper words but damn in a heartbeat I would drive wherever you are and (with your permission) give you the biggest hug ever.

Not to your extent but I've had some very serious injuries that have kept me immobile so I understand.
I'm so sorry you're hurting and suffering and I'm here for you any time. Sending love

 

[Passersby]

So it's only been a year since I've been dealing with severe pudendal neuralgia, sciatica, and a royally messed-up pelvis, but every day feels like a month.

I've had to have a home health aide since April (well, my family members were pretty much my aides before that) and I hate it. I finally graduated college only to go back in time. Now, I have to be pushed in a wheelchair but sitting is super uncomfortable because my left SI joint is twisted and smashed up against my pelvis. I require help with simple tasks like getting dressed & making food. If I didn't have this pain, or needed a wheelchair for some other reason, I feel like it'd all be somewhat more bearable.

I realized recently that my plan needs a lot of work. I can't even put on my shoes in order to make my way outside. I'm also not sure how I'd get down the porch steps alone.
And now no one knows where my lanyard with all my keys (including my car keys) are even though it was on my desk two days ago.

My plan was to drive to some lake taking my car keys, possibly goggles, my muscle relaxants, and my phone with me. But I'm not even sure if I'm able to physically drive anymore because both of my SI joints are so twisted.

And SN isn't really an option for me because it's too complicated to arrange and I can't hide my own mail. Hanging and ODing are out because I can't practice hanging and don't kow how. ODing is just too unreliable and I have a fear of meds.

My main problem is that I wanted to CTB somewhere that's not my home so my family wouldn't walk in and see me lying there because I just feel like that would be too traumatic.

Ironically, if I were able to pull all this shit off then maybe I wouldn't do it because I'd be well enough to set everything up.

I also want to make sure my method has the highest chance of success. For me, it seems like the best option is drowning (or shallow water blackout if I can figure out how) because I can't swim and it's easier to float than walk.

Since I won't be able to swim back to shore, I'd have to eventually go, I figure.

I've also read about people where I live dying in the water in spring / summer from hypothermia. If I do go through with it, it'll need to be summertime so I can carry less clothing and be a tiny bit more comfy / warm on the way there.

In some ways, I wish I'd thought of all this sooner. At first, I was like, "Yeah I hate my life right now but at least it's only on the left side. I can still use my right leg normally. Maybe it'll get better." Aaanndd now the nerve is caught on both sides and I have no clue how I'd get from my bed to my car and then from my car to the lake. *sigh*

Then there's the fact that the night before, I'd basically have to make up some elaborate story as to why I needed my family to set up my stuff a certain way (I'd need one of them to arrange all the supplies :/). If I could somehow convince them to set it up, then they might feel like they aided in my death.

And my main goal was to do it all alone so no one else would (wrongly) blame themself.

I guess my question is: Homebound / bedridden SSer's, what are your preferred ctb methods?

Hi weary wanderer,
Sorry to hear about your suffering. I know all about the things you have mentioned. I am also a physical and mental sufferer. Is it cool if I pm you some time?

 

[isthisnot1d3al]

So it's only been a year since I've been dealing with severe pudendal neuralgia, sciatica, and a royally messed-up pelvis, but every day feels like a month.

I've had to have a home health aide since April (well, my family members were pretty much my aides before that) and I hate it. I finally graduated college only to go back in time. Now, I have to be pushed in a wheelchair but sitting is super uncomfortable because my left SI joint is twisted and smashed up against my pelvis. I require help with simple tasks like getting dressed & making food. If I didn't have this pain, or needed a wheelchair for some other reason, I feel like it'd all be somewhat more bearable.

I realized recently that my plan needs a lot of work. I can't even put on my shoes in order to make my way outside. I'm also not sure how I'd get down the porch steps alone.
And now no one knows where my lanyard with all my keys (including my car keys) are even though it was on my desk two days ago.

My plan was to drive to some lake taking my car keys, possibly goggles, my muscle relaxants, and my phone with me. But I'm not even sure if I'm able to physically drive anymore because both of my SI joints are so twisted.

And SN isn't really an option for me because it's too complicated to arrange and I can't hide my own mail. Hanging and ODing are out because I can't practice hanging and don't kow how. ODing is just too unreliable and I have a fear of meds.

My main problem is that I wanted to CTB somewhere that's not my home so my family wouldn't walk in and see me lying there because I just feel like that would be too traumatic.

Ironically, if I were able to pull all this shit off then maybe I wouldn't do it because I'd be well enough to set everything up.

I also want to make sure my method has the highest chance of success. For me, it seems like the best option is drowning (or shallow water blackout if I can figure out how) because I can't swim and it's easier to float than walk.

Since I won't be able to swim back to shore, I'd have to eventually go, I figure.

I've also read about people where I live dying in the water in spring / summer from hypothermia. If I do go through with it, it'll need to be summertime so I can carry less clothing and be a tiny bit more comfy / warm on the way there.

In some ways, I wish I'd thought of all this sooner. At first, I was like, "Yeah I hate my life right now but at least it's only on the left side. I can still use my right leg normally. Maybe it'll get better." Aaanndd now the nerve is caught on both sides and I have no clue how I'd get from my bed to my car and then from my car to the lake. *sigh*

Then there's the fact that the night before, I'd basically have to make up some elaborate story as to why I needed my family to set up my stuff a certain way (I'd need one of them to arrange all the supplies :/). If I could somehow convince them to set it up, then they might feel like they aided in my death.

And my main goal was to do it all alone so no one else would (wrongly) blame themself.

I guess my question is: Homebound / bedridden SSer's, what are your preferred ctb methods?

I relate very strongly to a lot of this; the 'maybe-it'll-get-better-if-I-just-keep-trying' mindset, the pain making daily tasks difficult (I have chronic pain and a variety of maladies), and especially the feeling of not wanting to make anyone feel any more pain absolutely necessary about your life ending. I'm glad that you're not forcing yourself through the pain anyways, as I've done that and doesn't do for anyone involved. With your situation, I feel as if your loved ones would (ideally) not want you to be suffering. From what I've experienced, people are less likely to feel guilty when they are reminded of why you're doing this (to not be in pain) so I would suggest emphasizing that in your note if you plan on writing one.

As for methods, I'd say the tourniquet method would your best bet since the required materials are easily sourced and the sounds of it, you still have full mobility of your hands, which is all you would really need.

 

[WearyWanderer]

Hi weary wanderer,
Sorry to hear about your suffering. I know all about the things you have mentioned. I am also a physical and mental sufferer. Is it cool if I pm you some time?

Hi Frank,
I'm sorry about your mental and physical suffering, it's such an ordeal to go through.
Sure, feel free to PM me. I have to admit that I'm not the most consistent messager, but I'll try to reply when I can.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Ah physical illness and disability really sucks. It also comes with the inevitable depression and anxiety. I can relate. The feelings of helplessness and fear. What an ordeal. You don't deserve this. Every day you survive is a little victory but I can understand how exhausting it is.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I'm sorry that life has dealt you such a shitty hand. Hopefully you're able to sort something out. Drowning is a pretty tough way to go. I wish you could get SN. Is it possible for you to "go visit a friend from college" or use some other excuse to go to a hotel and have the SN delivered there? Maybe a hotel would be full service enough to bring your mail, food, etc.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Ironically, if I were able to pull all this shit off then maybe I wouldn't do it because I'd be well enough to set everything up.

i feel this so much. The old (healthy) me would've gotten everything assembled in a few days. I'm struggling just to be awake and functional during business hours to make the calls and orders i need to make.

The following is said with the assumption that you are completely decided on CTB: practically, i think your best option at this point is probably tourniquet method. Do a search as there is a great thread on it here.

I also think you will have to get over the potential trauma your family experiences of finding your body. It complicates things by making it likely someone might find you before you CTB, but if you really have no option to leave home, then you might be forced to take that risk. And i know that sucks terribly, but i can promise you that in time they can heal from something like that (at least that's what my therapist told me).

Also, have you posted in the partners megathread? there may be someone in your location who may be able to assist you with some part of the prep.

 

[WearyWanderer]

Ah physical illness and disability really sucks. It also comes with the inevitable depression and anxiety. I can relate. The feelings of helplessness and fear. What an ordeal. You don't deserve this. Every day you survive is a little victory but I can understand how exhausting it is.

Underscore,
Yes, yes it really does stink. I agree, every night I'm surprised to realize I've lived through yet one more day. Thanks for the encouraging words. You've helped add a glimmer of light to what has been an extremely difficult (moreso than usual) day.
You don't deserve physical illness and the fatigue, helplessness, and fear which accompany it either. I'm sorry you're fighting the chronic illness battle too.

 

[SpaceForGrace]

Hi @WearyWanderer. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I too am in a similar state, slowly being eaten inside by a malignancy that has spread and the worries and fears we have about our loved ones and ourself... Honestly I do not know how to give any words of comfort as I cannot find one myself. Just letting you know someone understands the difficulty of your condition - maybe it helps in some way.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Underscore,
Yes, yes it really does stink. I agree, every night I'm surprised to realize I've lived through yet one more day. Thanks for the encouraging words. You've helped add a glimmer of light to what has been an extremely difficult (moreso than usual) day.
You don't deserve physical illness and the fatigue, helplessness, and fear which accompany it either. I'm sorry you're fighting the chronic illness battle too.

I take every tiny glimmer of light with open arms. There are so few. We are soldiers in an unseen war and we never get to rest. For us, to live is to fight, knowing that we'll lose and fighting harder because of it. I wish us all the stamina that we need.

 

[WearyWanderer]

Hi @WearyWanderer. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I too am in a similar state, slowly being eaten inside by a malignancy that has spread and the worries and fears we have about our loved ones and ourself... Honestly I do not know how to give any words of comfort as I cannot find one myself. Just letting you know someone understands the difficulty of your condition - maybe it helps in some way.

Hi Grace,

I hate to hear of anyone suffering and I'm so sorry you're going through a similar situation.

I completely understand what you mean about trouble finding comforting words. Although I would never wish that type of situation on anyone, it does help me feel less alone to meet someone else who understands that. Many people mean well and try to offer consolation. But unless they physically experience the same ailments you do, no one can fully grasp the weight of what you live with day after day, as I'm sure you've experienced yourself.

Thanks for sharing part of your story with me. I hope that you've been able to find even a small sense of comfort from the forum.

 

[TAW122]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, having all those conditions on top of having to just get by day to day is really tough. I don't have much to say, but I hope you are able to find peace one way or another.

 

[WearyWanderer]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, having all those conditions on top of having to just get by day to day is really tough. I don't have much to say, but I hope you are able to find peace one way or another.

Yes, it's definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.

 

[WearyWanderer]

I'm sorry that life has dealt you such a shitty hand. Hopefully you're able to sort something out. Drowning is a pretty tough way to go. I wish you could get SN. Is it possible for you to "go visit a friend from college" or use some other excuse to go to a hotel and have the SN delivered there? Maybe a hotel would be full service enough to bring your mail, food, etc.

Thanks for your empathetic post and suggestions for more comfortable alternatives. I appreciate the thought.
Unfortunately, even going to a hotel alone is beyond my abilities now. I can't even really be home alone for more than an hour or two and doing that means laying in bed and reading or watching TV for those two hours.

Yea, drowning definitely won't be painless but I'd rather drown or use a highly lethal method like jumping or gun because they have the highest chances of fatality. In my mind, I'd rather go through temporary excruciating pain for certain peace than less pain but lower chances of dying.

My other problem (with SN) is that meto's difficult to get from a doc and there's just no way to confirm that it's actually meto if I buy it online. (I mean maybe there are ways of confirming with a kit but they're not accessible to me either, sadly).

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My other problem (with SN) is that meto's difficult to get from a doc and there's just no way to confirm that it's actually meto if I buy it online. (I mean maybe there are ways of confirming with a kit but they're not accessible to me either, sadly).

Do you consider meto to be very important to the method? Not trying to force an opinion on you, so please feel free to ignore...In reading the anecdotes of successes and failures, some folks still vomited even after the two-day meto regimen, while some folks didn't take it and did not vomit.

However, I recognize this method presents challenges you've already said you likely cannot overcome, so I'll change focus and say, god, this situation sucks. Wouldn't it be great if insurance covered caregivers that were highly trained in ctb prep?

 

[WearyWanderer]

Do you consider meto to be very important to the method? Not trying to force an opinion on you, so please feel free to ignore...In reading the anecdotes of successes and failures, some folks still vomited even after the two-day meto regimen, while some folks didn't take it and did not vomit.

However, I recognize this method presents challenges you've already said you likely cannot overcome, so I'll change focus and say, god, this situation sucks. Wouldn't it be great if insurance covered caregivers that were highly trained in ctb prep?

Hi GoodPerson,

Thanks for your post, I appreciate the information.

Yeah, I'm not 100 % sure how important the meto is for me. I've read some people are allergic and I'm pretty sensitive. I do have some stomach medicine that's supposed to prevent cramping now but not sure how effective it'd be. I also have a fear of vomiting partly because I already have other GI issues right now, but I do appreciate your perspective on the situation. It's probably still an option to consider at this point because there's multiple obstacles no matter which method i end up choosing.

Tbh SN is probably the easiest option to try; I'm just not convinced it's the best option for me. In a way I only have one chance to make sure everything works bc with how disabled I am right now, if I failed and became worse I probably wouldn't have the physical ability to try again.

Yes, it'd be super nice if assisted euthanasia was approved for chronic pain and legal to administer in the US.

Really wish I'd bought a handgun when I was still able to.

Hope you're doing alright or at least as well as you can be considering the circumstances

 

[Arisa]

I'm sorry about the situation. Wish I could help in some way, but I hope you gain peace. <3

 

[WearyWanderer]

I'm sorry about the situation. Wish I could help in some way, but I hope you gain peace. <3

Thanks, Arisa. Appreciate your heartfelt thoughts. <3