Venting too cowardly to do anything

[comeoutandhauntme]

i've been on this site for a bit over a month now, and despite thinking about ctb nearly every moment of every day, and despite having access to all of these methods to make it happen, i have taken nearly zero steps towards actually completing the act of it. all i've done is rented a PO box to order materials to without suspicion, which is essentially sitting there useless right now because i have not ordered a single thing. i want to die so so badly but i'm too cowardly to actually do anything about it. i just sit here and fantasize about it day after day, feeling sorry for myself like the loser i am. i'm miserable and drowning and ruining my own life and have ample reasons to stay alive, but i do absolutely nothing about it bc i'm too much of a pussy. it's not even the act of ctb i'm afraid of- i'm too afraid to even order the fucking SN bc i'm so terrified it would cause a wellness check, which would, no exaggeration, ruin my life. every day i tell myself i'll finally order it, and every day i don't do it. i wish someone would just kill me and take me out of my misery. it would be better than sitting here uselessly and miserably 24/7

 

[cookji]

I feel the same way. It's really hard.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

same, i have tried before and have a day for when i'll try again, but i felt so much fear during my last attempts that im scared i wont be able to when the time comes. its like i always am wanting to die except the moments when i have the chance too. it is very exhausting and stressful.

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

its like i always am wanting to die except the moments when i have the chance too. it is very exhausting and stressful.

ugh this!! that's exactly it. when an opportunity finally arises i start second guessing or something. maybe it's SI even tho it's not even an attempt? like SI is stopping me from even ordering things to use for an attempt. what a bitch

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

ugh this!! that's exactly it. when an opportunity finally arises i start second guessing or something. maybe it's SI even tho it's not even an attempt? like SI is stopping me from even ordering things to use for an attempt. what a bitch

i think it must be some form of SI even though there's not immediate danger. its very frustrating.