Tomorrow's the BIG DAY

[medicinenightmares]

Tomorrow is June 18, which is my birthday. I am turning 21 years old. It is also the day I intend to ctb.

I've had these intense urges to ctb by jumping off a bridge for a couple of months now, but it was never really the 'right' time. I always had a strong enough reason to live, and I guess I still do, but I've realized that there will never be an optimal time to kill yourself. I've been engaged in self-destructive behaviours over the past couple of months to give myself less of a will to live. I've stopped going to counselling, I've cut off some very important relationships in my life to isolate, I've drained the majority of my bank account, I gave up on being healthy and instead gained 70lbs and I hate myself so fucking much. I was contemplating telling my mom yesterday and I was going to cancel my plans and tell her how much I've been hurting, but I didn't end up doing it because we got into a fight about something irrelevant and she started yelling and swearing at me, which is out of character for her. I guess in a way she has given me the push I need to ctb. She'll be better off without me anyways, she always tells me how much stress I cause her and how I'm the reason for her health problems caused by stress.

So tomorrow is the day. I'll make the two hour long bus ride to the bridge and, if all goes well, jump off. The bridge I'll be using is 111m (364ft), so it should work. I'm planning to do it between 3:00-5:00pm when it's still light out with beautiful sunshine and clear waters. I know thats dumb, but I want to die in the sun. I don't want my body to disappear into the darkness with no closure for my family. They deserve that much.

I'm so freaking nervous. I'm terrified. I have an extremely high SI, which I know from past attempts, and Im worried that I'll back out last minute or hesitate too long and get caught and taken to the psych ward. I'm planning on drinking heavily beforehand and taking some T3s & some sedatives. Does anyone have any encouragement on how to deal with SI in this scenario?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'll keep everyone updated tomorrow on the whole process & whether or not I chicken out. This is pretty scary for me considering that I;m more of a slit wrists/pill popping kinda gal.

I know this sounds incredibly stupid and silly and increases my chances of survival, but I was thinking of putting those little floaty water wings on before jumping so my body will stay afloat so that I can be found. I REALLY REALLY don't want to disappear and become fish food, ya know? I wanted to be cremated and have my ashes mixed into a BioUrn so that I can be a tree. Also, I read this news article about a girl who killed herself by jumping off the same bridge and her body was never recovered and that scares me so much.

Anyways, what do you folks think? Water floaties or nah?

Please leave me any advice you have!!

 

[Jean Améry]

Why do you want to kill yourself? You seem to have doubts since you wanted to tell your mother. Perhaps you should rethink this, at least for now.

Since you fought with your mother she'll probably think it was her fault. At the very least I think you should consider making ammends with her. If you could talk to your mother perhaps you could make her see how difficult life is for you and how she's not helping by blaming her stress on you. That seems highly unfair. Why would you choose to feel the way you do? If that's even possible.

If there's any part of you that isn't sure I think waiting would be a good idea. You lose nothing by reviewing your options. Perhaps there is another way of dealing with your pain which I'm sure must be enormous if you're contemplating something terrifying like jumping.

I don't know how to make something inherently scary like jumping any easier. I very much doubt I could do it myself.

If you'd like to talk I'm available by PM.

 

[memento_mori]

have you scouted out the bridge? if people have jumped before it's very likely they have some preventive measures there
I also agree with Jean you should review your options, trying to ctb while being intoxicated and nervous does not sound like a good idea

 

[JoeFailure]

You're so young, have you thought about any other way through this?

Getting away from home and starting somewhere new could really help you.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Tomorrow is June 18, which is my birthday. I am turning 21 years old. It is also the day I intend to ctb.

I've had these intense urges to ctb by jumping off a bridge for a couple of months now, but it was never really the 'right' time. I always had a strong enough reason to live, and I guess I still do, but I've realized that there will never be an optimal time to kill yourself. I've been engaged in self-destructive behaviours over the past couple of months to give myself less of a will to live. I've stopped going to counselling, I've cut off some very important relationships in my life to isolate, I've drained the majority of my bank account, I gave up on being healthy and instead gained 70lbs and I hate myself so fucking much. I was contemplating telling my mom yesterday and I was going to cancel my plans and tell her how much I've been hurting, but I didn't end up doing it because we got into a fight about something irrelevant and she started yelling and swearing at me, which is out of character for her. I guess in a way she has given me the push I need to ctb. She'll be better off without me anyways, she always tells me how much stress I cause her and how I'm the reason for her health problems caused by stress.

So tomorrow is the day. I'll make the two hour long bus ride to the bridge and, if all goes well, jump off. The bridge I'll be using is 111m (364ft), so it should work. I'm planning to do it between 3:00-5:00pm when it's still light out with beautiful sunshine and clear waters. I know thats dumb, but I want to die in the sun. I don't want my body to disappear into the darkness with no closure for my family. They deserve that much.

I'm so freaking nervous. I'm terrified. I have an extremely high SI, which I know from past attempts, and Im worried that I'll back out last minute or hesitate too long and get caught and taken to the psych ward. I'm planning on drinking heavily beforehand and taking some T3s & some sedatives. Does anyone have any encouragement on how to deal with SI in this scenario?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'll keep everyone updated tomorrow on the whole process & whether or not I chicken out. This is pretty scary for me considering that I;m more of a slit wrists/pill popping kinda gal.

I know this sounds incredibly stupid and silly and increases my chances of survival, but I was thinking of putting those little floaty water wings on before jumping so my body will stay afloat so that I can be found. I REALLY REALLY don't want to disappear and become fish food, ya know? I wanted to be cremated and have my ashes mixed into a BioUrn so that I can be a tree. Also, I read this news article about a girl who killed herself by jumping off the same bridge and her body was never recovered and that scares me so much.

Anyways, what do you folks think? Water floaties or nah?

Please leave me any advice you have!!

First off, happy early bday to you!
Second, I have to second what @Memento Mori and @Jean Améry wrote. Have you made sure you thought this through?

 

[Grief]

Finding your body will not give anyone closure. Your mom will blame herself forever and will not be better off without you in her life. She's stressed because she's worried sick about you and does not know what to do or say to you to make everything better for you. She most likely regrets arguing with you. Don't assume that having arguments with her means that she doesn't love you. She may just not understand or realize the gravity of your situation. Talk to your mom if you can or have someone talk to her on your behalf if you are uncomfortable talking to her alone. Your mom needs to understand that the state of hurt you are in won't just go away on its own and should not be ignored. I agree with the previous poster that you lose nothing by postponing. Assess your options with a trusted individual if possible.

 

[Cevapcici]

Meh.... Try to go no contact with your mother first , seems like she's into guilt tripping YOU because SHE chose to reproduce and doesn't want to deal with the consequences. The fact that you're acknowledging her in your post is a huge red flag. Seems like you haven't even lived free of your chains....

Edit : i get that you're emotionally exhausted, but you're so young , just give it a last try...

 

[SinisterKid]

I can only echo the sentiments of others here, think and research, think and research.

As far as urges/ideations goes, its ok to have them. Dont fight them or try to dispel them, just accept them for what they are, natural thought processes. You have so many doubts, I just think you can take as much time as you need and do everything on your own terms.

The water wings idea is another indicator that you are not ready for this. Psych wards are no fun and it would be a shame to end up there because you are not as ready to die as you might think you are. Please reconsider.

 

[Soul]

@medicinenightmares, the bridge will still be there at any future date you decide you're really sure it's the way you want to go. Since you're not convinced, and your SI is running hot, you're absolutely going to get caught climbing over the rails drunk in broad daylight.

If the drama of that appeals to you and you'd enjoy a birthday outing, I'd suggest getting great big inflatable angel wings to wear on the bridge. Or dragon wings if that would convey your message better. You won't get as far as jumping but you'll look spectacular.

But if you think you'd prefer a less dramatic route to psychiatric care there are other ways to obtain it. Please choose well. (((Hugs)))