Tomorrow might be the night...

[CursedFortune]

Guys, I'm so tired. I've been depressed for over 10 years now but the last 6 months have been the absolute worse for me. I'm completely frazzled and burnt out.

I'm trying to take each day a step at a time but I can't muster up the energy anymore and my state is ruining my relationships, which is just making me even more hopeless. I feel like a zombie that's just shuffling through life without any purpose and despite trying my hardest, I'm either turning the few people closest to me into zombies or they've already run off.

I'm completely alone and I just want this all to end. When I look back on the last 15 years, there hasn't been very much happiness for me, even during times that should have been filled with nothing but joy. Like I said in another thread, I feel like I've relied on others to get me through and I'm completely useless at navigating life by myself. I'm worried about how my parents and sister will go on without me, but that's pretty much it. My husband is distancing himself from me little by little and it hurts so much since he's been my rock through all my previous issues. I've made some terrible decisions and I don't know how to crawl my way back from them. My personality makes me feel as if I'll never be able to have the life that I want.

I'm 2 meto pills into the 1st day of the 48hr SN method and I plan to CTB tomorrow night. I have no idea if I'll manage to do it, but I've started the process and I'll see how I feel when I get there. Until then, I follow the regimen.

 

[Lotus1818]

im so sorry to hear this. are you sure you cant talk to your husband about this?

 

[CursedFortune]

I did.... I actually did tell him a couple of times that I wanted to CTB and I don't know if he was overwhelmed or what but he didn't tell me anything reassuring, like "Everything will be okay" or "You can do it, don't worry". We live apart because of some educational choices I've made and I regret doing this so much. He has more free time than I do and he hasn't bothered to take a plane to visit me despite having the time and money.

 

[Jean4]

We are here for you no matter what you choose to do.

 

[Retard]

I did.... I actually did tell him a couple of times that I wanted to CTB and I don't know if he was overwhelmed or what but he didn't tell me anything reassuring, like "Everything will be okay" or "You can do it, don't worry". We live apart because of some educational choices I've made and I regret doing this so much. He has more free time than I do and he hasn't bothered to take a plane to visit me despite having the time and money.

Not to try and justify his lack of a comforting response, but it could have been shock on his part, or maybe he didn't want to 'patronise' you with platitudes perhaps? Just throwing some possibilities out there. It could be that he loves you very much but just isn't sure how to convey this properly. Just speaking from personal experience as someone who avoids saying things for fear of looking silly or irritating the person I'm speaking with. I've never been married though, so not sure what the "typical" communication dynamic is like in a relationship like that, or whether his personality is likely to have these kind of traits.
Regardless, I really hope he reaches out to you at a time like this - you never know if he might be thinking about you right now and is worried about how to approach the situation. Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn, but would it be possible/worth it to maybe contact him and explain how much you need him at the moment (if you feel that you do)?
Sincere best wishes to you

 

[WallsClosingInn]

i wish you well and that you find peace...