ShadowedChaos
LostSoul
- Oct 2, 2024
- 24
The time only comes when the moon matches up with the stars for the final time, the final breath, and the last goodbye. The weight of the world is always too much for a singular person for even someone of sound mind it is battle with seemingly no end in sight with no calm waters to find peace in a sea of chaos and turmoil. A soul that is lost can be found for that is the journey to something deeper to see the world in color when all there is white and black. To come out of the storm and be in a sea of tranquility may lead some to see the lights but others may only see the battles ahead. There is life and there is death, there is joy and there is pain, there is light and there is dark, there is hope and there is despair, there is love and there is hate. Even for all the contrasts in everyday life we find dialectics and try to come to a balance, because without one there is no other and every path we take the destination is never set. Even when the darkest parts of your soul and mind battle with you and it seems you are not set for this world you may find sanctuary in a world not found and not yet discovered for everyones place is different in this world. I'm lost about as lost gets in the grand scheme of the world I was always told to get to know yourself cause you are the person you will be around the most. I can know who I am and also not know who I am, I can see the dark corners of my memories, memories forgotten, memories that will burrow and dwell in my soul that may never be released maybe one day for all I can do right now is accept and forgive myself I was not ready even a little for the path I would walk. I have always wanted to be the person I wish I would've had as a kid I may not love who I became and I might not be able to say I'm even proud of who I became because even the me now doesn't feel like me I don't belong and have never felt I've belonged but I grew I really did grow not full bloom or into anything blossoming but I grew into the person I am now I grew to understand myself, the world around, and to survive. You're going to be okay I try to tell myself as I look at the clouds and see them all pass as memories and life once did. I might not be my battle is never truly finished I want to lay my weapons down surrender and give in, I feel at a crossroads between death and hope never knowing which way to turn looking within myself to figure which path to take but the signs don't make sense I can only make sense of what I know. I don't know where this all ends up but the clouds are still dark and it's pouring for now I'll stare at the moon asking whether it's my time for who I am now I can't remain to be the mirror into the souls of others I can't just be the tv thats only blank till something is plugged in but when who I am now is built for survival and shown to protect myself when I needed it the most but now almost everyday I need that version of me and all of my other parts feel forgotten like a remnant of who I was or could've been but for now it lays under the surface I feel it it's there I'm still there but until the time is right it stays dormant. Don't forget who you are and what you mean I've seen the darknest nights but I've seen the brightest stars so I walk on each step hurting worse than the last hoping to see that glimmer once again. It's not tough to say I'm tired it's tough to know how long I've been tired with this life, this reality, and these memories, it's no longer the same things that haunt me it became way more complex and complicated than I ever could of predicted. The storm inside of my head on a chair I sit silent as silent as the words left unsaid, as silent as the memories turned melancholic, as silent as the woes and cries left unheard, the silence of the pain of an aching chest, the silence of being forgotten, the silence of being me.
I never knew how much darker it all would get and to experience what I have in this last while and with everything from my past since conception I'm tired. I'm not in a space of support I'm all cut up after not doing it to this extent in years yes there was struggles with it and it still happened but not like this the weight is too heavy on me. I do it now to stop me from going further but after so many attempts a minimum of one every year for 7-8 years for the residentials and and hospitals all through my teenage years to be let go when you needed them the most. Going through therapy before I even knew what it was too young to even understand but I still did in some way. I look at the other people now and I see how fast I grew up and why it always felt weird I knew and understood more I always asked the questions no on else had and I was always alone I raised myself I changed my brothers diapers he's a year younger than me I had to be a protector when I was never protected. Given to the state after a life of loss and change only to be told even they failed you. Tossed into the world no support at a time when I had to protect and support myself I always had to roll sixes and could never roll anything else and that's why I am here I found my way to survive with some luck that kept me alive to see the darkest and the lightest of days. I Lived such a crazy life and had such strange experiences that when my reality slipped I either fell or held on for dear life. I've met and been with people that changed my entire perspective, actions, life, personality, made me think or act differently for one reason or another, and I've lost people I've loved more than the air I breathe. To see friends, family, mentors, lovers, and role models disappear into nothing except a memory and to feel that weight of empty memories that feels melancholic almost to have all the mixed emotions that know one ever truly understand, to feel so alone in a room of people, having the capacity to get along with everyone but also never feel like you truly belong, building close bonds that some people will never truly experience in there life too see people at there best and utterly worst moments, seeing some people's world fall apart right in front of your eyes and also see them when they're having the time of their life, to having felt betrayal, going through heartbreak after heartbreak, never knowing what love is having to learn it cause no on showed or taught you, and that first relationship being some psycho bat shit thriller book changing the way you'd live for the rest of your life. I'm still trying to still change everything that occured internally because of that I don't even know what to call it how can the first time you are ever shown some form of love or attention and affection in your whole life be the most fucked up form of anything not even somehow close to resembling love only to lead into consecutive mind and soul crushing relationships ontop of a terrible and crazy home life. I don't even know the truth of anything that happened everything is different and the truth is only what I can remember but it's so hard when all the stories are so mixed up and combined with lies and shattered broken memories. I still remember everything from so little but yet its blocked most of the time but there are days, solemn nights, strange but all to real dreams that somehow felt more real than reality, times where I sit now and have for a long time because I guess I had to learn mindfulness and meditation at which one point was a detriment and I can realize that and can be honest about it but now it has helped but can still bring up stuff pretty heavily but has allowed me to do the work no amount of therapy, medications, and treatment could do. I learned the fuckin skills, I did the therapy, I took all the drugs they thought would fix me just figure out no amount of it will "save me" or "fix me". Having to get back to walking, talking, writing, and doing anything after overdoses when I just wanted the pain to end do be at peace and I felt it during my attempts no matter the methods but the pain smothered me to my very core, yeah I got all of those motor skills back but each time a piece of myself was killed, I just became the genius kid who went crazy but are you really crazy if you remain self aware and honest with yourself as much as you can to realize the feeling, reactions, strange experiences, what should or should not be happening, when you feel like you are going insane and to know that, to know why, when, where, and how I came to be, to tell myself when it is my fault and when it is not. I don't know maybe I'm rambling but with no one around who could even attempt to even listen, understand, or relate, I'm tired of the disappointed look down, "I'm sorry..." it echoes through my head and sends me through loop of memories where I hear all the voices of all the times I heard the same words a cacophony of people there words echoing and replaying all at once in my head. So many words sentences and phrases I've heard I finish them before people say them now I would say it makes me sick or pissed but no it just makes me sad. I have to do better everyday when I can't even be sure of who I am what I am or if everything was just a lie my memories are strange all trapped in different areas so disconnected but also connected little strands holding them together how can I have experienced the depths and the sky and still fall in the sea. To lose someone who I once knew to be a soulmate. We both searched for each other for years with almost no hope of ever experiencing that again. To keep that note for years staying with me everyday and having months years go by hoping one day to hear or see her again always being asked do you believe in soulmates and for years to tell about this same girl and the experiences the pain and the joy and the longing only to one day go on a home visit and see a message she spent all that time looking for me and I never knew if she got that note but she did after all that time she kept it also we talked and reunited to get back together you could feel the difference in me you could see it, it was one of the best times of my life but good things could never last for me. Months went going by strong making plans but to still be so damaged and messed up from pain and the trauma and the inexperience of wisdom or knowledge that only pain can teach. That pain will be here till the day I die it eats me alive but I can now only ever change and wish nothing but happiness for the relationships I cherished with everything I had at times. I damn sure learned and grew from everything that life and people taught me and I had to teach myself I learned myself, who I was in the world, and beyond that. Why can't I go on with my whole story deepening the deeper and older I grew, how am I supposed to hold my sanity in a sailboat with a torrential downpour and storm constantly ravaging me even when the waters are calm I'm still exhausted. I'm tired I don't even want to die the same as I did before I'm exhausted and it feels like it's the only escape the only way I can feel peace I wanna say I have that energy that same will of life I know it's somewhere but I don't know if it'll ever resurface. I'm trying to be myself again the person I know I am not the person I was made to be it does feel good when I pursue the things I do have that interest and have genuines connections with real genuine authentic people who understand I want to feel alive again truly I didn't really even know that till I got this far but it's the perfect word. Having seen all sides of life, having lived different lives, and essentially been different people due to circumstances and how my life has been. It's a trip a damn crazy one they say life's a ride and I guess that's what makes it special but I don't know how much longer or even how to get out of this even when I want to I'm about as rock bottom as can get but people never mention the basement. It feels like I'm dying without being able to express the pain like everyone's watching me while I try my best the world feels against me and I try so hard not to think that way but I only see actions the words stopped meaning anything after everything has been turned 180 millions of time. I've found and lost the meaning of life so many times or more so learning every facet every aspect that can make life special. I've had people hate me, I've had people love me, I've had people become strangers and I still wonder if they ever think about me with how much they meant to me. I've loved few who I would truly take a bullet for, there's few who I can say are even my friends, there's few I truly allow my true self to. I've made mistakes probably too many but with no one to learn or to teach me anything to having to be able to understand everything to it's core. I learned, I changed, and still try everyday to be different and I'll be the first one to admit my mistakes my wrongdoings no matter what. I take my accountability and forgive myself for some and learn from the rest some I may never forgive myself for but idk maybe that's just a character flaw. It's getting harder to hold everything in I havent had a hospitilization for a suicide attempt in two years I'm proud but the days up to my birthday I don't know why it hurts so much. I can't hold back the tears or the emotions most days, I've been telling people all the words that I've left unsaid for so long I can't hold it all back anymore I'm just lost. I could go on but I guess I don't know I'm tired of explaining myself for now.
Thank you for listening to my depressing ted talk IDK if I should have put a T.W. at the start I got lost in thought so I might edit later if there's error or if something has to be changed. If you made it this far I hope you have a good day or night sorry that things are rough for you.
I never knew how much darker it all would get and to experience what I have in this last while and with everything from my past since conception I'm tired. I'm not in a space of support I'm all cut up after not doing it to this extent in years yes there was struggles with it and it still happened but not like this the weight is too heavy on me. I do it now to stop me from going further but after so many attempts a minimum of one every year for 7-8 years for the residentials and and hospitals all through my teenage years to be let go when you needed them the most. Going through therapy before I even knew what it was too young to even understand but I still did in some way. I look at the other people now and I see how fast I grew up and why it always felt weird I knew and understood more I always asked the questions no on else had and I was always alone I raised myself I changed my brothers diapers he's a year younger than me I had to be a protector when I was never protected. Given to the state after a life of loss and change only to be told even they failed you. Tossed into the world no support at a time when I had to protect and support myself I always had to roll sixes and could never roll anything else and that's why I am here I found my way to survive with some luck that kept me alive to see the darkest and the lightest of days. I Lived such a crazy life and had such strange experiences that when my reality slipped I either fell or held on for dear life. I've met and been with people that changed my entire perspective, actions, life, personality, made me think or act differently for one reason or another, and I've lost people I've loved more than the air I breathe. To see friends, family, mentors, lovers, and role models disappear into nothing except a memory and to feel that weight of empty memories that feels melancholic almost to have all the mixed emotions that know one ever truly understand, to feel so alone in a room of people, having the capacity to get along with everyone but also never feel like you truly belong, building close bonds that some people will never truly experience in there life too see people at there best and utterly worst moments, seeing some people's world fall apart right in front of your eyes and also see them when they're having the time of their life, to having felt betrayal, going through heartbreak after heartbreak, never knowing what love is having to learn it cause no on showed or taught you, and that first relationship being some psycho bat shit thriller book changing the way you'd live for the rest of your life. I'm still trying to still change everything that occured internally because of that I don't even know what to call it how can the first time you are ever shown some form of love or attention and affection in your whole life be the most fucked up form of anything not even somehow close to resembling love only to lead into consecutive mind and soul crushing relationships ontop of a terrible and crazy home life. I don't even know the truth of anything that happened everything is different and the truth is only what I can remember but it's so hard when all the stories are so mixed up and combined with lies and shattered broken memories. I still remember everything from so little but yet its blocked most of the time but there are days, solemn nights, strange but all to real dreams that somehow felt more real than reality, times where I sit now and have for a long time because I guess I had to learn mindfulness and meditation at which one point was a detriment and I can realize that and can be honest about it but now it has helped but can still bring up stuff pretty heavily but has allowed me to do the work no amount of therapy, medications, and treatment could do. I learned the fuckin skills, I did the therapy, I took all the drugs they thought would fix me just figure out no amount of it will "save me" or "fix me". Having to get back to walking, talking, writing, and doing anything after overdoses when I just wanted the pain to end do be at peace and I felt it during my attempts no matter the methods but the pain smothered me to my very core, yeah I got all of those motor skills back but each time a piece of myself was killed, I just became the genius kid who went crazy but are you really crazy if you remain self aware and honest with yourself as much as you can to realize the feeling, reactions, strange experiences, what should or should not be happening, when you feel like you are going insane and to know that, to know why, when, where, and how I came to be, to tell myself when it is my fault and when it is not. I don't know maybe I'm rambling but with no one around who could even attempt to even listen, understand, or relate, I'm tired of the disappointed look down, "I'm sorry..." it echoes through my head and sends me through loop of memories where I hear all the voices of all the times I heard the same words a cacophony of people there words echoing and replaying all at once in my head. So many words sentences and phrases I've heard I finish them before people say them now I would say it makes me sick or pissed but no it just makes me sad. I have to do better everyday when I can't even be sure of who I am what I am or if everything was just a lie my memories are strange all trapped in different areas so disconnected but also connected little strands holding them together how can I have experienced the depths and the sky and still fall in the sea. To lose someone who I once knew to be a soulmate. We both searched for each other for years with almost no hope of ever experiencing that again. To keep that note for years staying with me everyday and having months years go by hoping one day to hear or see her again always being asked do you believe in soulmates and for years to tell about this same girl and the experiences the pain and the joy and the longing only to one day go on a home visit and see a message she spent all that time looking for me and I never knew if she got that note but she did after all that time she kept it also we talked and reunited to get back together you could feel the difference in me you could see it, it was one of the best times of my life but good things could never last for me. Months went going by strong making plans but to still be so damaged and messed up from pain and the trauma and the inexperience of wisdom or knowledge that only pain can teach. That pain will be here till the day I die it eats me alive but I can now only ever change and wish nothing but happiness for the relationships I cherished with everything I had at times. I damn sure learned and grew from everything that life and people taught me and I had to teach myself I learned myself, who I was in the world, and beyond that. Why can't I go on with my whole story deepening the deeper and older I grew, how am I supposed to hold my sanity in a sailboat with a torrential downpour and storm constantly ravaging me even when the waters are calm I'm still exhausted. I'm tired I don't even want to die the same as I did before I'm exhausted and it feels like it's the only escape the only way I can feel peace I wanna say I have that energy that same will of life I know it's somewhere but I don't know if it'll ever resurface. I'm trying to be myself again the person I know I am not the person I was made to be it does feel good when I pursue the things I do have that interest and have genuines connections with real genuine authentic people who understand I want to feel alive again truly I didn't really even know that till I got this far but it's the perfect word. Having seen all sides of life, having lived different lives, and essentially been different people due to circumstances and how my life has been. It's a trip a damn crazy one they say life's a ride and I guess that's what makes it special but I don't know how much longer or even how to get out of this even when I want to I'm about as rock bottom as can get but people never mention the basement. It feels like I'm dying without being able to express the pain like everyone's watching me while I try my best the world feels against me and I try so hard not to think that way but I only see actions the words stopped meaning anything after everything has been turned 180 millions of time. I've found and lost the meaning of life so many times or more so learning every facet every aspect that can make life special. I've had people hate me, I've had people love me, I've had people become strangers and I still wonder if they ever think about me with how much they meant to me. I've loved few who I would truly take a bullet for, there's few who I can say are even my friends, there's few I truly allow my true self to. I've made mistakes probably too many but with no one to learn or to teach me anything to having to be able to understand everything to it's core. I learned, I changed, and still try everyday to be different and I'll be the first one to admit my mistakes my wrongdoings no matter what. I take my accountability and forgive myself for some and learn from the rest some I may never forgive myself for but idk maybe that's just a character flaw. It's getting harder to hold everything in I havent had a hospitilization for a suicide attempt in two years I'm proud but the days up to my birthday I don't know why it hurts so much. I can't hold back the tears or the emotions most days, I've been telling people all the words that I've left unsaid for so long I can't hold it all back anymore I'm just lost. I could go on but I guess I don't know I'm tired of explaining myself for now.
Thank you for listening to my depressing ted talk IDK if I should have put a T.W. at the start I got lost in thought so I might edit later if there's error or if something has to be changed. If you made it this far I hope you have a good day or night sorry that things are rough for you.
