Tomorrow is my best opportunity but I'm scared and not ready (and will never be ready)

[heylightiforgot]

I'm dependent on benzos to sleep (which don't even do anything to help anymore). Due to severe food intolerances, I also can barely eat carbohydrates -- they make me feel weak, sick and impair my thinking. So on certain days, I will cycle off carbohydrates and become almost violently agitated/aggressive/restless, presumably just because of the accumulation of my poor health, years of severe mental abuse at home etc. Once I reintroduce carbohydrates (which I do every few days), I feel 'stupid' but relaxed enough to actually plan out CTB.

My mom is controlling my benzos and I will run out on Sunday night, which means Monday morning will be my absolute deadline. But I am scared of trying to survive the weekend seeing those violent/agitated states I go into -- which make planning CTB impossible. Last night, I ate some carbs and today I feel really relaxed/careless enough to actually plan it out. My mom will likely be out tomorrow morning, since it's her day off, and people will come to clean our house and make a lot of noise/distraction.

I know logically tomorrow is the best chance. I would just barricade my door with my bed, put the anti-emetics on my nightstand, set my alarm and ingest them .. then chill and mix the SN and hope for the best. If I don't do this, things are going to end badly for me because of how mentally unstable I've become -- I'm just too sick to survive being in a psych ward.

I know no one can *tell* me what to do. But fuck. I keep saying "okay, I'll do it in 2 days, 3 days", then the day arrives and I get so scared. But I have no options left. So I keep wondering if I should just 'set everything up' before bed .. because once I make myself take those anti-emetics, I know I have to do it.

I don't want to die. But I don't want to die in a psych ward either, which is the alternative. And as much as succeeding scares me, so does failing because my parents are abusive and basically despise me already and I know they would just disown me. I guess in theory I have nothing to lose by just doing it but knowing that doesn't make it easier.

I guess I wonder if I should just push through until Sunday night, knowing Monday morning is a bad time to attempt -- but at least I'll basically be forced into it. Or go with the 'logical' best option, which is tomorrow.

Fuck this is hard :( I'm never going to be ready to drink that goddamn SN, and because my mom controls my meds I don't even have enough sedatives to make it vaguely easy on myself.

Sorry, I always feel bad posting here because situation is so stupidly complex.

 

[charlie_z]

Hi Heylightiforgot. I can hear how much you want to find peace, how much you want to rest. Please keep in mind that I'm not expert and, given my own state affairs, not in a strong position to offer advice, but I do see a couple of things that concern me.

There's the timeline you've described. I get how Monday looks like a good date, given the fact that your mom will be out of the house and the cleaning crew, with all the racket they will likely make, will help conceal your attempt. Still, it sounds pressed to me. I don't know how you want to pass your last moments, but adding pressure (i.e. a ticking clock) to an already stressful situation sounds terribly painful to me. Add to that the fact that there's a good chance you may fail to complete the process correctly because of feeling rushed.

There's also the assertion you make of not yet wanting to die. This is a big decision. In fact, it is the biggest decision anyone has to ever make. It's only my opinion, which may not be worth much, but I believe that a person must feel committed and reconciled with their decision to CBT. It doesn't seem like you're in a place where those conditions can me met.

Given the above, I would urge you to slow down a little and find a way to give yourself a little more time, at least in order to find the space and time to carry out your death in the manner you would like to.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Hi Heylightiforgot. I can hear how much you want to find peace, how much you want to rest. Please keep in mind that I'm not expert and, given my own state affairs, not in a strong position to offer advice, but I do see a couple of things that concern me.

There's the timeline you've described. I get how Monday looks like a good date, given the fact that your mom will be out of the house and the cleaning crew, with all the racket they will likely make, will help conceal your attempt. Still, it sounds pressed to me. I don't know how you want to pass your last moments, but adding pressure (i.e. a ticking clock) to an already stressful situation sounds terribly painful to me. Add to that the fact that there's a good chance you may fail to complete the process correctly because of feeling rushed.

There's also the assertion you make of not yet wanting to die. This is a big decision. In fact, it is the biggest decision anyone has to ever make. It's only my opinion, which may not be worth much, but I believe that a person must feel committed and reconciled with their decision to CBT. It doesn't seem like you're in a place where those conditions can me met.

Given the above, I would urge you to slow down a little and find a way to give yourself a little more time, at least in order to find the space and time to carry out your death in the manner you would like to.

Sorry, it's tomorrow (Friday) that's the good date. My mom will be home working again on Monday.

Unfortunately, my decision is always going to be 'pressed'. I'm basically a hostage in my own home and my mental/physical health is rapidly deteriorating; as soon as I lose functioning (i.e. run out of benzos Sunday night .. though at this rate, I may go insane before that anyway), I am going to be put in a psych ward, because that's effectively where my parents/the medical community wants me. I have a very severe chronic health issue (exacerbated by years of abuse), but according to the hospital, nothing is medically wrong with me. And, without exaggeration, I would not survive a psych ward due to my physical frailty.

So due to my extreme physical limitations, living situation etc., a pressured/rushed attempt is sadly my only option. It's impossible for me to ever feel 'at peace' with dying because I guess my life was stolen away from me, and now all I can do is mourn the 'what if's', but that isn't getting me anywhere. I've tried setting deadlines etc., tried to logically reason with myself that I don't have any options left at this point, but unfortunately, as I say, nothing makes it easy.

 

[charlie_z]

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're in a terrible situation. I'm not sure if I should ask the following questions, and you of course have every right not to answer anything you're not comfortable with. But I'm going to go out on a limb anyway:

1. You mentioned abused. Who in your family abuses you? I ask because if it fall under illegal activity, you may be able to seek a legal solution (early emancipation; having a court order issued insisting the abuser keep their distance, etc). These and other alternative are particularly likely if you're underage.
2. Is there somewhere else you can go and stay? A close relative or friend, for example.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're in a terrible situation. I'm not sure if I should ask the following questions, and you of course have every right not to answer anything you're not comfortable with. But I'm going to go out on a limb anyway:

1. You mentioned abused. Who in your family abuses you? I ask because if it fall under illegal activity, you may be able to seek a legal solution (early emancipation; having a court order issued insisting the abuser keep their distance, etc). These and other alternative are particularly likely if you're underage.
2. Is there somewhere else you can go and stay? A close relative or friend, for example.

1. My mother has been emotionally abusing me for years, but it's also a very stressful living environment (tiny house, noisy etc.) which contributed to my deterioration. Since the abuse is all emotional, there is no 'proof'. And I'm 34, so definitely not underage.

2. No, I am too unwell to look after myself anymore or go stay anywhere.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Hey there. I'm 34 also. I know you say your benzos run out by Monday I think? Are you able to call the doctor or go in and get another prescription? I need Xanax to sleep. I'm too anxious. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. If you are going to take the Xanax it is best to grind them up and put them in pudding or yogurt then eat it. And this is something I was told by a doctor who is helping me attempt a successful suicide. He helped my friend who had my physical pain condition and she told me about him. I know what it's like to have your life stolen from you. I've had over 14 taken from me due to Complex regional pain syndrome. I can't help think about the what ifs either. I know if I didn't get sick I would have done something amazing with my life. We are mourning lives that never were. I don't know what to tell you to do...I wish I did but I don't. But to not throw up any pills you have to fast for two days and take anti nausea meds every 6-8 hours before you end it. Idk what kind if benzos you have or the amount of milligrams you have saved. And you want to do the SN method. All I wanted to do was wish you a fast and painless end and hope that you find peace.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Hey there. I'm 34 also. I know you say your benzos run out by Monday I think? Are you able to call the doctor or go in and get another prescription? I need Xanax to sleep. I'm too anxious. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. If you are going to take the Xanax it is best to grind them up and put them in pudding or yogurt then eat it. And this is something I was told by a doctor who is helping me attempt a successful suicide. He helped my friend who had my physical pain condition and she told me about him. I know what it's like to have your life stolen from you. I've had over 14 taken from me due to Complex regional pain syndrome. I can't help think about the what ifs either. I know if I didn't get sick I would have done something amazing with my life. We are mourning lives that never were. I don't know what to tell you to do...I wish I did but I don't. But to not throw up any pills you have to fast for two days and take anti nausea meds every 6-8 hours before you end it. Idk what kind if benzos you have or the amount of milligrams you have saved. And you want to do the SN method. All I wanted to do was wish you a fast and painless end and hope that you find peace.

No, my doctor won't give me anymore because I od'd a few weeks ago as a cry for help (and my abusive mother is basically controlling everything now, so has said she won't allow me to get anymore regardless). I take 1-2 Valium a night, but am so tolerant it effectively does nothing, and I have none saved (my mom keeps them all, and there are only 8 left, i.e. enough to last until Sunday night). So Monday morning, I would be pretty screwed and have to CTB, I suppose. But as @charlie_z says, I a) don't even want to do this, and b) even worse, worry about messing it up due to the pressure at home. I have visited the hospital twice, looking for medical help, but I think I am just too far gone at this point; since I have severe CFS (and there is no 'test'), they say nothing is wrong with me and want me in a psych ward. So outta options. I keep pushing, fighting -- out of a sense of 'injustice' -- but there's nothing to fight for anymore. And if I give up/cry for help etc. and go to hospital, I'm doomed.

So it sucks all round.

 

[charlie_z]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this space right now. I keep wanting to ask questions, but I don't want to upset you anymore than you are. I do have some things I'd like to ask, so if you're up to working through a few more questions with me, please let me know. And if it helps at all, I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[SoupSnakes]

No, my doctor won't give me anymore because I od'd a few weeks ago as a cry for help

I am in a similar situation to you (I overdosed and so I am only allowed prescriptions for 3 days at a time), would it be possible to do something like that? I'm not sure how easy that is for you, I'm assuming you're in the US, I don't know what you do cost wise for your prescriptions.

I'm so sorry to read that you're in such a pressed and hurried situation, you shouldn't have to plan anything in such a rushed state. You should feel content and fully at peace with your decision. I really hope you manage to sort something out and find some peace.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Couldn't do it .. as usual lol.

It's like I keep thinking there will be a day where I am magically ready to face complete fucking oblivion. But I think my perspective on life/suicide might differ to a lot of peoples' here. Sunday night, I run out of benzos completely .. so that should make for an interesting dilemma.