Told my father I plan to CTB within 14 days if something doesn't change

[TheLastSacrifice]

I normally would advise against people telling their parents and equivalent loved ones but I am so frustrated with the situation with my wife, living at my father's house, trapped here, and so sick of my dad's blunders I really don't care how he feels anymore. He has done nothing as a parent to raise either myself or my sister. He started smoking weed with me during my teens and I needed a dad. My mother was dead. Im not doing this to hurt him. Im not telling him to lash out at him or be manipulative. I swear on the love I have for my daughter I am considering ctb very seriously and very soon. I have tried working. Sharing a ride didn't work. He also borrowed a ton of money and didn't pay it back. Him and my stepmother are falling under so bad I think they will lose their house. When I was in high school right before graduation my father used the money my mother left him to raise me in our nice neighborhood and moved down into the rural wilderness where he has no handyman skills or self sustaining capabilities. It threw my life into a cycle of chaos and I never have fully recovered. I cannot blame my dad for my problems anymore as I am 37 years old and have been living out on my own since my teens, bouncing back between rural and city a half dozen times. I had no home. I lived as a nomad essentially moving from apartment to apartment I found my place with my wife and my best friend of 14 years (though we both have mental issues and have had a strangely adversarial friendship at times). I had a daughter and did everything to change my life. The pot. Mostly gone. The cutting. Gone. Haven't done it in 5 years. I have really become what I believe to be a good person. We had a daughter and despite my wife's outbursts against me and her crazy episodes where she kicks me out, it has been the happiest time of my life. Now I'm sitting here with her laughing at me calling me the next Ted Bundy, minus the fact that I don't murder people or commit violent acts outside of physical self defense. She calls me on the phone today after sending me links earlier this week to buy my daughter bday presents. I bought $150 worth of bday stuff for her despite being without a car, job, or my own home. (They just kicked me out of my own place. No questions. No comments. No recourse. Nothing.). All I want to hear about is my daughters bday today but instead she starts talking about how her and the girls were watching a show on Ted Bundy and how she would have fallen for him. I told her Ted Bundy broke down into a blubbering pile of puss before his execution and that I wanted to hear about my daughters bday and that's it. She hung up on me. I feel like my life is a sick joke. I've just been wanting to be a part of and hear about my daughters bday today and nothing. Honestly, I'm thinking about cutting my own throat. Im tired of waiting for money and resources to come. It will be here on the 1st and I can get a car by the middle of next month and be out of here. However, I don't think I want to fix my life anymore. I want to die soon. Before I change my mind. Having time to reconsider is good but I've been pondering this suicide stuff for a long time now and I know that I will regret it later if I just don't do it. I wanted a partner and peaceful method but at this point I'm just thinking about grabbing his gun when noone is looking and going back into the woods where I have dug a hole already that I can blow my head off in or cut my throat. I think that the firearm is an easier method but I am pretty hardcore about physical pain and I think if I were able to use one of the times where I finally get angry bc I'm tired of being sad and I could use that anger to make one solid cut to my jugular vein. Quick. Then lean forward and experience death. I don't fear the cut or pain but I admit cutting the jugular is going to be sickening for me. I wish it was old day Japan and I could have someone else do it. Just decapitate me. Painless no but very quick.

 

[Pan]

you sound like someone who has lost face and the personal dignity that goes with it. That you would make mention of japanese bushido, tells me that your honor and self worth has
been offended. I wish you all the best in whatever decision you choose to make

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

Thank you. I both feel disgraceful and accept full responsibility for my gate and yet do feel wronged at the same time. My life doesn't feel like a choice but more of a rollercoaster with the safety restraint half- failing. I spent my 20s lost. Living on and off with my best friend as roommates for a period of ten years. In between these times rooming with her I have ended up in two group homes forced to pretend to me more mentally ill than I was just to try to get a new start and not be homeless. Then something happened. It worked and I got some job training I needed to get a decent job and that was my whole issue. I moved back in with my best friend again for what we thought was another round of "I'll help you and you help me." Then something I somehow always knew would. We became romantic. After 14 years of friendzone. She got pregnant. We got married. Mind that I was kicked out once before we even married and she asked to marry me, though I suspect it may have been for taxes now that I reflect in hindsight. I've spent all my energy into my marriage, my stepson and my wife and she has chosen to leave me under the notion that I didn't try hard enough to get help. I have always tried. I went to the doctors. Took medicine. Remained sober off the pot I seem to be addicted to despite people saying that isn't possible. I just kept telling myself I will make up for my failures. She is my purpose. After 14 years of a meaningless life, everything made sense. All the chaos. All the wasted time. The failed attempts at the military. College I did good in but never finished. The waste of my life had a path and a purpose. Defend my best friend, like my sister, and also my lover and my wife, from anything bad or unpleasant and be the best dad I can. Provide as much as I can with my loser resume. I always went to work and acted generally responsible, minus one outbusy when some hooligans put a firework bomb under my neighbors door and fired a gunshot out in the complex I came out yelling at them and ready to fight because I had called the cops and some toughguy thought he was going to scare me calling me a "cop caller.". So my neighbor gal was scared shitless. I was tired of this behavior in our complex and I came out ready to fight. My one truly unstable action. Honestly though I don't think I was in the wrong. Sometimes she hit me. I never ever was abusive like that. I don't know what I truly did that makes her leave and come back. My honor is shattered. My most treasured and honored aspect of my life, my family....I failed somehow. So many times I fell to my knees crying. Begging her to please stop. Thinking about myself crying and whining like a sack of puss begging my wife not to leave me apologizing over and over for things I really don't think I did wrong, I have disgraced myself. She doesn't respect me. She comes back telling herself and me that it's love but each time there is a large monetary transaction involved. I've become a total cuck. That and her loss, plus the things that have been said about me...I honestly feel like the only way to regain my honor is to go out like a man. Like a warrior. No tears. I've cried so many tears. I've screamed alot. When noone is around. Driving on a backroad. I seem reserved. Almost serene. And it will hit me. The shame I feel for failing. Disgraced. Betrayed. But most of all....sorry I let her and my kids down. I promised her everything under the sun if she would give me a chance and quit messing with players. I haven't delivered as I am still a CNA and security guard (temporarily unemployed due only to being landlocked. I can't walk 40 miles to work. I tried a shift after a 20 mile March last month and I could barely take care of my residents(but neither them nor the staff noticed as I still give my best when taking care of peoples loved ones). No matter who is the mean person in this situation I gave my vow that I would protect and support her and would work as hard as it takes to give her a middle class life that she could have had with a man who got his shit together younger. I have failed. I have failed my daughter and my stepson too because the stepson wants me there and my daughter is too young and happy to be affected right now, but that will change. I think the only path to honor and peace is a courageous, nonviolent (to others), and honorable death. I would prefer to fall on a battlefield but as we have no justifiable war or any means to enter one right now I cannot do that. Strangely enough I don't hate anyone or feel any judgement or anger towards anybody. It's just a part of me would rather die on my feet (metaphorically) than on my knees begging, praying, crying and being afraid. Make no mistake...I am afraid.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey Love..this really breaks my heart. I see u have done all u possibly can and it has hasn't been enough for her..ur an amazing husband n father..is there anywhere u can stay temporarily, just to calm down n get some peace?

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

No. Im at the only place I have to go. I don't have any family other than my dad and my cousin who is hard worker and responsible normally but lately he has been drinking. Like 18 shots a night drinking. I can't be around that even if he would let me stay there. He got blackout drunk and ended up breaking and entering a neighbors house and she found him there confused and he ended up going past her and sat outside on her driveway and called the police on himself.
So I'm basically fucked and have been stuck here for two months straight obsessing all day long on how to get out of here. I make calls. Search Google all-day for ideas. Tried even a homeless shelter but they won't let me in because of a restraining order against me by my wife that is now dropped as they always are(because they're bullshit manipulative tactics). They were going to let me stay there and I had a job lined up at a nursing home literally across the street. It would have been perfect but for a crime that I don't believe I'm guilty of a damn thing for but whatever.