Venting Told Bosses about depression, ctb thoughts. Regretting it

[mossyfox]

I was worried about my shit performance and decided to tell one of my bosses about struggling with depression. I had a couple drinks first because I cold barely get it out. And then too much came out and he knows I've been thinking about ctb. I told him I was feeling better and over the peak because I was less suicidal.

But then he wanted to know if there were any next steps to take so I suggested moving me to a different shared office, leaving my current office mate where he's at. I really emphasized to leave my co-worker where he was because he has argued about paying his dues to get to his spot and his window view, etc and been angry about the idea of moving. I asked to have myself moved to a different office.

Because of this suggestion, I had to let another boss higher up and the boss higher up than that know that I have been very depressed. I didn't personally tell them about wanting to ctb.

The next day, the bosses told me that they are moving my office mate into another shared office and I am staying where I am already. Now my more senior co-worker was forced to move offices for reasons he was not privy to and I am alone in an office that's already isolated.

I feel even more alone and cut off from the group. And now how can my co-workers view me? It looks like I pulled strings to kick a senior employee out of nice office space for my advantage (I could move to his spot with the window view if I wanted and you could view having a two person office to yourself as a positive).

I couldn't stand to be at the office so I went home and didn't go in today either. Today an even more senior co-worker, who is the one who used to have an office to himself but now is sharing it with my old office mate called me to discuss work. He was angry and the phone picked up the sound of his hands exasperatedly hitting his desk as he talked. And he is a very calm, quiet person in the office. I don't want to go back at all.

Other things at home are still too much and I'm so tired of feeling so trapped in this shit. I just would be ok with one place to go for relief from shit for some hours, either work or home.

One of the bosses wants me to go somewhere if I feel like ctb again. But as everyone here knows, you still come back to real life, nothing changes that. Usually taking a 'retreat' if you can afford one causes more problems to pile up for when you return.

I don't like being dishonest, but I regret not coming up with a well fabricated lie for my shit performance while I was deeply thinking over how and if to ctb.

And now I'm almost back to where I was before as far as wanting to ctb. I can't focus on work and so all this discussion was fucking pointless.

 

[NoPointToContinue]

My experience is if you talk to your boss about sensitive matter, they will listen to you like a human being and not just a boss at first, but after some time they will treat you as boss and a boss when they know something about you that's not good for your performance will not treat you as before.

 

[mossyfox]

I really messed it up

 

[NoPointToContinue]

I really messed it up

Don't be hard on yourself.

 

[m9q2As2$IG]

This is an extremely complex situation. I'm going to try and give you some advice on how you could handle this, so bear with me :)!

Try to share your disagreement about your senior co-worker being moved instead of you with your boss. Do it in not an angry, but empathic manner. Try to emphasize that you only wanted the best for your senior co-worker, and that you believe their current course of action may have negatively affected him, and that this aches you.

How your co-workers view you is very important in my opinion, because you are with them at work constantly. Try to explain to them that you were misunderstood by your boss and that you will try to resolve the situation. Tell them that it was not your intention, and that you want to rectify the situation. You can also ask if they have additional wishes that could be relevant. Depending on how your relationship with your co-workers is you could buy them something small like chocolates as a gesture.

About the senior co-worker that called you angrily, try to explain the situation to him. How much details or specifics you share is up to you, but make sure the situation is clear to them. Depending on how they might react and "are" as a person, you could try to say you are also upset that it happened, because it was a misunderstanding. This way you could both come to a mutual emotional outlet, which can create more compassion.

As for the retreat idea, maybe you could try to orchestrate a in-office "retreat". Meaning you would still be at the office, but "retreating" from your regular tasks. Try doing things you enjoy or are less stressful at the office, get to know your co-workers better, show (verbal) affection and interest to strenghten the relationship with your co-workers. This way, you won't isolate yourself from your environment, but will isolate yourself from the negativity the environment creates by restructuring the demands of the environment which defines the "aura" of the environment. Could also serve to de-stress the overall environment for you for the future.

I tried to be as detailed as possible in my response, I hope you are able to forward something productive out of my message :).

All the best of wishes, and I wish you some rest from your current stressful situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I understand that it can be an painful when you do something you regret. Living really is tiring. I wish you well.

 

[mossyfox]

This is an extremely complex situation. I'm going to try and give you some advice on how you could handle this, so bear with me :)!

Try to share your disagreement about your senior co-worker being moved instead of you with your boss. Do it in not an angry, but empathic manner. Try to emphasize that you only wanted the best for your senior co-worker, and that you believe their current course of action may have negatively affected him, and that this aches you.

How your co-workers view you is very important in my opinion, because you are with them at work constantly. Try to explain to them that you were misunderstood by your boss and that you will try to resolve the situation. Tell them that it was not your intention, and that you want to rectify the situation. You can also ask if they have additional wishes that could be relevant. Depending on how your relationship with your co-workers is you could buy them something small like chocolates as a gesture.

About the senior co-worker that called you angrily, try to explain the situation to him. How much details or specifics you share is up to you, but make sure the situation is clear to them. Depending on how they might react and "are" as a person, you could try to say you are also upset that it happened, because it was a misunderstanding. This way you could both come to a mutual emotional outlet, which can create more compassion.

As for the retreat idea, maybe you could try to orchestrate a in-office "retreat". Meaning you would still be at the office, but "retreating" from your regular tasks. Try doing things you enjoy or are less stressful at the office, get to know your co-workers better, show (verbal) affection and interest to strenghten the relationship with your co-workers. This way, you won't isolate yourself from your environment, but will isolate yourself from the negativity the environment creates by restructuring the demands of the environment which defines the "aura" of the environment. Could also serve to de-stress the overall environment for you for the future.

I tried to be as detailed as possible in my response, I hope you are able to forward something productive out of my message :).

All the best of wishes, and I wish you some rest from your current stressful situation.

I appreciate all of your advice. I did let the bosses know before they made this decision to move him and after they told me that I disagreed with it.

I had to go in to the office Friday. A different manager from another department was angry with me for another project I had only completed 75%. I just started crying in my office. Everyone is frustrated because deadlines are approaching in a few weeks and they do not know any reasons why my projects are not returning to them sooner, so they are just angry. I am not in a good place to listen to men express their anger with me and have no response to them.

Many of the things you suggested I just don't have that rapport with my co-workers. I started at this job just a few months ago and these are not very social people to begin with. It takes a longer time to bond, usually through working on projects together.

I am thinking of asking my psych for a drug I had in the past that really numbs me up good. People viewed me as cold, distant and robotic when I was on it, but it makes for a good worker bee and causes me to not feel any emotions towards people when I am on it. Just no reaction to their feelings, thoughts, or opinions. It's important to me to keep a job and generate money while I am here because I want to leave good resources for my kids, especially if they have to deal with mental health issues themselves, which looks likely.

 

[Retard]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's easy for me to say, but please try not to beat yourself up about any regrets of saying certain things. Essentially, you were betrayed by your employer because you explicitly told them not to move your colleague, and they did so anyway. It's so difficult being honest in real life as people can misinterpret things out of ignorance, or even wilfully, to suit their motives. As with other forms of politics, office politics is a pain in the arse.

If you don't mind me asking, what was the medication that caused you to feel numb? Without being dismissive about the downsides, it sounds like it could be a potential solution for the short-term, so great thinking for suggesting it. Alternatively, is there any way your GP could sign you off work for a little while? Appreciate this can be no easy task to convince them though. If successful, it may cause your employers to reassess how they're treating you at the moment, and perhaps not be so harsh with deadlines in future. They might be able to arrange for alternative work in the meantime if that may suit you?

 

[mossyfox]

I underestimated corporate politics. I learned some new things since my old office mate has moved which I think contributed to the problem.

The medicine is an old classic, Zoloft. In combo with my condition and the other meds used to treat it, Zoloft usually wipes out my emotional capacity, instead of being 'zombie-like' as some people report. Without much on the emotional side, I'm more analytical and calculating. Emotions I show towards people are an act and to serve a purpose only. I stopped taking this med because it has side effects I hate, like making it difficult to lose weight, making exercise more difficult, having to constantly resist the frozen stare, etc. My mind also does feel a bit foggier on it then off of it. Not that bad though.

My husband prefers me not on Zoloft. He admits the emotional stability was reliable, but doesn't like it.