Discussion Today's the Day...Feeling so Conflicted

[KitKat456]

Today I will pick up all my materials from the Amazon drop box. I think I need to do it today or I'll make excuses/procrastinate/put it off further. My heart feels pretty heavy. I wish I had been stronger in my life and become the person my parents and my fiancee wanted me to be. My parents aren't perfect but they cared for me so well all my life. My relatives have been so loving to me. My fiancee thinks we're soulmates...even though I revealed the darkness within me, he had chosen to stay with me. But my parents and my fiancee don't know that I've relapsed back into suicidal thoughts these past few months. I feel weary of life and I don't want to continue. What really worries me is the afterlife, whether there's a hell or not. I'm not exactly a good person, so I feel unhappy at the thought of crossing over to the other side with so much baggage and 'sin'. On the other hand, from everything I've read on religions and paranormal stuff, I don't think any religion exactly knows what will happen anyway. I just want to leave before I make everything worse. So much of my potential was wasted in this life, and I have regrets. I can only hope that on the other side I will get a do-over or sweet oblivion. Part of me also has a wishful thought that when I die, a perfect parallel-universe version of me will take over for me in this world so that my family and fiancee will be happy. But it's true that dying by suicide is an irreversible choice and will leave a negative impact, no matter what wishful thinking I might have. In a world with no clear answers, there is no easy way out. But I trust that life will go on for my loved ones and they will eventually recover. I have a suicide note in watercolor ready. It's a picture of a dying rose (my name includes 'rose') on a closed book, symbolizing that my story is over. Funny how I used to love to read, but never enjoyed my own life story.

 

[BipolarExpat]

KitKat,

Sorry to hear of your struggles and can relate with the unease & difficultly of leaving loved ones behind.

I wonder if this article (I shamelessly copied from another thread) will give you any relief...

4. When a Loved One Passes On by Suicide - Soul Proof

Here is evidence no one dies and 10 things you must know to deal with the death of a loved one by suicide by Dr. Mark Pitstick...

www.soulproof.com

 

[Ssrejisser]

I would want a do-over too...
Only best to you, dear.

 

[Egddios]

Hey K, I'm feeling like today is my day, too. I had been trying to hold out till August but then I thought, what's the point? If you feel like messaging me, please do. If not, I totally get it.

 

[First loss]

Good luck man. Hopefully, I'll follow you soon.

 

[dandan]

im so sorry, its really not understandable why some of us do the way we do... I've been in and out of suicidal thoughts, and reasoning and logic also say its logic or reasonable. lol, but life is also the only thing I know... I am close to ctb, just hoping something happens, this last week has been bearable, but future seems so bad.. hahaha thats like negative visualization, damm

 

[Grief]

Most parents have hopes/dreams for their kids, but they don't care if you don't end up achieving these things. They are just hoping that you are safe and want you to be happy. Life will go on, but your loved ones will never, ever recover; at best they will manage or barely want to exist themselves. This is my point of view from being a parent and experiencing loss and losing my own desire to go on. You sound hesitant, so maybe talk to some or many about your conflicted heart.