TODAY...

[borderdeath]

Today is one of these days that I'd be willing to commit suicide. The fear disappears between thoughts of hopelessness. Today is one of these days that I am searching on the web looking for information about how my family will be devastated forever because of my lose, because of me. They will be nothing forever after my death. After caring me and loving me with all their will, support and love. I'd like to fight for them, to be the warrior I was one day. But I feel I can't. Not even two hours sweating doing sports are enough to calm down myself and be able to see some hope in the darkness. Three years of crisis are enough, I think. Three years mentally and physically broken, living with a BPD and in chronic pain. Only negative thoughts, pain in my body and helplessness. It scares me. When you lose the fear of death. Because at that point is when you are willing to destroy yourself and destroy the life of the people who loves you.

 

[Redt2go]

If you're scared have you reached out to anyone to give you a different perspective and some hope?

 

[borderdeath]

@Redt2go I'm psychologist, treated by one of the best psychologists in Spain. In fact I was supposed to be in his office working with his team. But not in my state. Not even able to study hard to be there. Medicated by psychiatrists like may people here. But it doesn't help. What love destroys only love can repair. And it's all my fault. If only i could react, if only I had someone to support me, someone who believed in me. But I guess it's too late and I can't change my perception of that fucked reality that I created. I guess I'm done

 

[Redt2go]

I don't quite get the jist of what happened from what you've said but I'm sorry about your fucked up reality :(

 

[NotingWasTheSame]

I really feel you mate.. Got severe BPD that is becoming completely untreatable, (also bunch of other disorders), feel like i'm slowly burning down... this feeling gets worse and worse, the life with BDP is really like hell, where the temperature is increasing day by day..