Venting Today was the first christmas of no contact

[wiIIow]

I've been on no-contact with my mom for several months now. I gave it one last shot when her mother died, and guilt got the best of me after she sent my cousins to track me down. They didnt find me, but they found my father, who is much more optimistic than I am. So whatever, I thought that maybe things could still change. I found out that I was wrong, and that even her own mother's death could be used as leverage to get under my skin and spread the poison. I started realizing what she was doing to me, once again, and decided to cut her off permanently. She will never change, she will always take every opportunity to manipulate me and steadily regain control over me. I cannot be in contact with her, and heal at the same time. I have to pick one or the other.

Unfortunately, the guilt is hitting me quite hard today. I keep imagining my mom, alone, waiting by the phone, and crying on not only christmas, but her child's birthday. Talk about a fucking double whammy. I wonder if it would be easier if she had another kid, so I wouldnt be plagued with thoughts of my mother being abandoned by her only child.

I'm well aware that I don't owe her anything, and that it's her own fault that she's alone. She pushes people away. She projects her own faults onto everybody else. She has a chronic victim complex that she uses to manipulate and control people she claims to love. I think she "loves" me, but even her version of love is selfish and self-serving, and not at all about me. Everything is about her. Everybody is out to get her. I never did enough for her.

I don't know. I can't figure out how to articulate any of this, but the situation is hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would, and I'm not sure what to do. What do I do when I'm well aware of the reality of the situation, but also actively fighting with a separate part of my mind that was created by long-term exposure to her manipulation tactics? It's so deeply engrained that it feels as real as the logic and the truth. I feel like a piece of fucking shit even though I KNOW I am doing the right thing. I hate her, but also can't bear to think of her suffering. I know her suffering is her own doing, but I still feel responsible.

I hate my brain. I'm suffering for no reason and I want it to stop.


happy fucking birthday to me. merry goddamn christmas. cheers

 

[Eden2k]

I'm been trying to distant myself from my own mother for years, who is also an manipulator, drama queen and emotional blackmailer.

I know all her tricks to manipulate me but I tend to just go along with it. I want to respond back with anger, but I'm the one who will feel guilty even though I have nothing to feel guilty for.

I tell my mother "why did you have me?" and her response is, "I don't know," At least she is honest.

I've always financially supported my mother ever since I started working in my teens. Now I'm not in employment due to health reasons and trying to run my own home, I still leave myself destitute, if it means she is taken care of.

Why do I do this? I'm not sure. But I think it's the same reason as you. I feel responsible for her and also don't want her to suffer. But I suffer just being in her presence. I keep her sordid secrets but also for my own benefit because her biggest secret is also my own.

I hate her yet I feel compelled to fight her corner even though she doesn't deserve it.

Her favourite insult to me is, "you are a half baked coon," My dad is black and she is half white and half Japanese. Yet she layed with a black man but I'm all the black bastards under the sun just like my dad, according to her. Clearly she has issues with her own racial identity but again I feel sorry for her. How that works I don't know.

Your mother sounds toxic just like mine. I enable her bad behaviour. As I'm replying to this post, she is shouting across the hallway from her bedroom for me to get her a can of beer from the kitchen and you know what? I'm going to do it because that's what I do. She calls I go running.

It's fucking 6:55am in the bastard morning.

Ps- happy birthday for what it's worth. I'm glad you were born.