Venting Today was my birthday and........

[WorthlessTrash]

Disclaimer: Please do not talk me out of CTBing. I have decided it is right for me, and I am intending to go through with it. It is my choice, and no on else's. It is my life I am deciding to throw away!

To no surprise, none of my irl friends wished me it. Not through text and not through Facebook messenger. Granted, I did deactivate facebook, however I had messenger working. It just goes to show how insignificant I am. If I was an extremely attractive woman (Like I wish I was) instead of this 300+ lbs garbage bag of testosterone that I am, I would have a lot of people gravitating to be around me and a lot of people caring enough to wish me a happy birthday. Granted, I don't care about birthdays, however that is due to me just being a miserable person based on my dysphoria and depression. I would be super thankful and happy about my birthday if I was born the correct way (Cis female). Now I don't care about my birthday and the lack of birthday wishes isn't something I am (intending) to complain about, it just further solidifies and justifies my decision to soon CTB (Not that I need to justify my decision).

I have lived 32+ years too long and I will be thankful to be rid of this gross skin prison. I wish I was aborted the minute they found out I was going to be a boy. However, they couldn't have known that I would grow to be this frustrated and bitter dysphoric person. No one could have seen it coming. Those that are born the correct sex, and the sex that I wish I was whom are attractive have no idea how fortunate they are. Sure, they may be cat called and harassed by creeps, and that is terrible in it's own right, but being able to look in the mirror and feel great about the way you look and it being justified would be amazing. The make appearance is boring and the male body is ugly and gross. I feel so gross taking a shower. I am extremely envious of the pretty privilege afforded to attractive women and can only wish I could have it. There is NOTHING I can do as a male, that I couldn't do as a female. There is no benefit to me being male.

I cannot escape my triggers. IRL, social media, TV, even just talking, I cannot escape the triggers of seeing people have what I wish I could have, but will never get to. Tons of people have suggested transitioning and will continue transitioning until I CTB and I will refuse and reject that advice over and over again. It will not give me the results I need that meet my standards. I am going to do my absolute best to not see my next birthday. I will be rid of this life sentence in this skin prison of mine, all of the supposed friends who took me for granted will make my death about them and say they should have done more (well, they aint wrong) and I will no longer have to deal with seeing people live lives I cannot live. When I CTB, it won't be a moment too soon, it will be long overdue.

I really don't want to die. I prefer to have been born the way I wanted to (cis-female), but since that is not possible nor did it happen, compared to the rest of my options, CTBing is the lesser of the evils for me. I know this is just another useless rant post and you won't have to deal with them much long, because if I have my way, I will CTB by the end of the year, possibly sooner. Feel free to ask questions about my shitty situation or whatever. I'll answer since I am bored. Hell, you can try debating transitioning with me, because you're not going to change my mind on the matter, nor will I let you. It will be a futile attempt. Your birth is a biological and genetic lottery. and however you're born be it your assigned sex, upbringing etc. shapes how the rest of your life can and will go. Unfortunately, I lost the 50/50 at birth so I do not want to exist.

"Parting won't be such sweet sorrow, it's will be just plain sweet!"

 

[Jrmull1993]

@LifeSucksDenWeDie
I'm sorry for what your going through. I will be honest, while I have pains of my own, I cannot relate to your specific situation but it does seem horrific.

Don't ever be ashamed to vent on here, it's one of the few mediums of free speech and expression that still exist.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey of seeking everlasting peace.

 

[katagiri83]

@LifeSucksDenWeDie , I understand & respect that you don't care for birthday (me neither to a degree), but I'm sure you would have made some kind of difference in this world thru the years. For that, I wish the angsts & pathos of this thing called life can give you some relief which you deserved on this day. Don't mean to sound arrogant.

 

[Hollowillow]

I want to read it but my eyes are disabled & I can't read tiny italic... (Why oh why italic!?) So I'll wish you a happy birthday. May it be your last if it's your wish.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

@LifeSucksDenWeDie , I understand & respect that you don't care for birthday (me neither to a degree), but I'm sure you would have made some kind of difference in this world thru the years. For that, I wish the angsts & pathos of this thing called life can give you some relief which you deserved on this day. Don't mean to sound arrogant.

I could have made a difference indeed I am sure. I could have went to school and done something with my life. However, I am not going to under these set of circumstances. Like I mentioned in my post, there is nothing I could do as my assigned sex that I couldn't do as the sex I wish I was born as . I owe nothing to life or society and I simply refuse to contribute in a society that rubs it in my face what I am not. Looks and pretty privilage are too important in society, and for good reason. Unfortunately for me, I am unable to play that game so I do not wish to live as a result.

Also, no worries about coming off as arrogant. You did not ^^

I want to read it but my eyes are disabled & I can't read tiny italic... (Why oh why italic!?) So I'll wish you a happy birthday. May it be your last if it's your wish.

Lol sorry. I can fix that xD

@LifeSucksDenWeDie
I'm sorry for what your going through. I will be honest, while I have pains of my own, I cannot relate to your specific situation but it does seem horrific.

Don't ever be ashamed to vent on here, it's one of the few mediums of free speech and expression that still exist.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey of seeking everlasting peace.

Thank you so much.

I just vent so much on here. I think this might be my 20th vent thread since joining (since I no longer have another outlet to vent to as I quit therapy after 11 months).

Dysphoria is no joke. I actually cannot call it Gender dysphoria as I guess I am genderfluid? I just hate my biological sex, so I guess it's Sex dysphoria? That doesn't seem like a real term, though.

 

[Hollowillow]

Disclaimer: Please do not talk me out of CTBing. I have decided it is right for me, and I am intending to go through with it. It is my choice, and no on else's. It is my life I am deciding to throw away!

To no surprise, none of my irl friends wished me it. Not through text and not through Facebook messenger. Granted, I did deactivate facebook, however I had messenger working. It just goes to show how insignificant I am. If I was an extremely attractive woman (Like I wish I was) instead of this 300+ lbs garbage bag of testosterone that I am, I would have a lot of people gravitating to be around me and a lot of people caring enough to wish me a happy birthday. Granted, I don't care about birthdays, however that is due to me just being a miserable person based on my dysphoria and depression. I would be super thankful and happy about my birthday if I was born the correct way (Cis female). Now I don't care about my birthday and the lack of birthday wishes isn't something I am (intending) to complain about, it just further solidifies and justifies my decision to soon CTB (Not that I need to justify my decision).

I have lived 32+ years too long and I will be thankful to be rid of this gross skin prison. I wish I was aborted the minute they found out I was going to be a boy. However, they couldn't have known that I would grow to be this frustrated and bitter dysphoric person. No one could have seen it coming. Those that are born the correct sex, and the sex that I wish I was whom are attractive have no idea how fortunate they are. Sure, they may be cat called and harassed by creeps, and that is terrible in it's own right, but being able to look in the mirror and feel great about the way you look and it being justified would be amazing. The make appearance is boring and the male body is ugly and gross. I feel so gross taking a shower. I am extremely envious of the pretty privilege afforded to attractive women and can only wish I could have it. There is NOTHING I can do as a male, that I couldn't do as a female. There is no benefit to me being male.

I cannot escape my triggers. IRL, social media, TV, even just talking, I cannot escape the triggers of seeing people have what I wish I could have, but will never get to. Tons of people have suggested transitioning and will continue transitioning until I CTB and I will refuse and reject that advice over and over again. It will not give me the results I need that meet my standards. I am going to do my absolute best to not see my next birthday. I will be rid of this life sentence in this skin prison of mine, all of the supposed friends who took me for granted will make my death about them and say they should have done more (well, they aint wrong) and I will no longer have to deal with seeing people live lives I cannot live. When I CTB, it won't be a moment too soon, it will be long overdue.

I really don't want to die. I prefer to have been born the way I wanted to (cis-female), but since that is not possible nor did it happen, compared to the rest of my options, CTBing is the lesser of the evils for me. I know this is just another useless rant post and you won't have to deal with them much long, because if I have my way, I will CTB by the end of the year, possibly sooner. Feel free to ask questions about my shitty situation or whatever. I'll answer since I am bored. Hell, you can try debating transitioning with me, because you're not going to change my mind on the matter, nor will I let you. It will be a futile attempt. Your birth is a biological and genetic lottery. and however you're born be it your assigned sex, upbringing etc. shapes how the rest of your life can and will go. Unfortunately, I lost the 50/50 at birth so I do not want to exist.

"Parting won't be such sweet sorrow, it's will be just plain sweet!"

Thank you for removing the italic. Did you make it super pale grey or my device is defective? Oh the irony of making it worse.

Maybe you're trying too hard? The orange is pretty though. Bold. I like bold

 

[devian]

trans woman here : people here seem very nice and respectful. im proud of you for all youve overcome, and i love you.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thank you for removing the italic. Did you make it super pale grey or my device is defective? Oh the irony of making it worse.

Maybe you're trying too hard? The orange is pretty though. Bold. I like bold

I didn't make it italic on purpose tbh. I actually put my disclaimer first as orange but I didn't want the actual post to be so I just random put it as another color to differentiate and for some reason I just hit the italic button.

and yeah, the bold disclaimer I feel is needed since sometimes people will try to talk me out of CTBing. However, even in the past when I put the disclaimer, people attempted to gaslight me anyways so maybe it's pointless to put the disclaimer.

All I can say is enjoy reading my useless rant that I may post again a few more times until I CTB.

trans woman here : people here seem very nice and respectful. im proud of you for all youve overcome, and i love you.

Thank you so much. I am sorry for what we both are going through and wish life was more fair for the both of us

 

[katagiri83]

I owe nothing to life or society and I simply refuse to contribute in a society that rubs it in my face what I am not. Looks and pretty privilage are too important in society, and for good reason. Unfortunately for me, I am unable to play that game so I do not wish to live as a result.

Your view is fully respected. A lot of the times, act of kindness is non-reciprocated. The pathos of existing. Anyway, at times small gestures can be more than what they seem. Hugs to you :)

 

[Mountaingirl]

I know how you feel. My birthday is not far away either, and it will definitely be my last one. I wish you all the best for whatever may come

 

[Hollowillow]

Disclaimer: Please do not talk me out of CTBing. I have decided it is right for me, and I am intending to go through with it. It is my choice, and no on else's. It is my life I am deciding to throw away!

To no surprise, none of my irl friends wished me it. Not through text and not through Facebook messenger. Granted, I did deactivate facebook, however I had messenger working. It just goes to show how insignificant I am. If I was an extremely attractive woman (Like I wish I was) instead of this 300+ lbs garbage bag of testosterone that I am, I would have a lot of people gravitating to be around me and a lot of people caring enough to wish me a happy birthday. Granted, I don't care about birthdays, however that is due to me just being a miserable person based on my dysphoria and depression. I would be super thankful and happy about my birthday if I was born the correct way (Cis female). Now I don't care about my birthday and the lack of birthday wishes isn't something I am (intending) to complain about, it just further solidifies and justifies my decision to soon CTB (Not that I need to justify my decision).

I have lived 32+ years too long and I will be thankful to be rid of this gross skin prison. I wish I was aborted the minute they found out I was going to be a boy. However, they couldn't have known that I would grow to be this frustrated and bitter dysphoric person. No one could have seen it coming. Those that are born the correct sex, and the sex that I wish I was whom are attractive have no idea how fortunate they are. Sure, they may be cat called and harassed by creeps, and that is terrible in it's own right, but being able to look in the mirror and feel great about the way you look and it being justified would be amazing. The make appearance is boring and the male body is ugly and gross. I feel so gross taking a shower. I am extremely envious of the pretty privilege afforded to attractive women and can only wish I could have it. There is NOTHING I can do as a male, that I couldn't do as a female. There is no benefit to me being male.

I cannot escape my triggers. IRL, social media, TV, even just talking, I cannot escape the triggers of seeing people have what I wish I could have, but will never get to. Tons of people have suggested transitioning and will continue transitioning until I CTB and I will refuse and reject that advice over and over again. It will not give me the results I need that meet my standards. I am going to do my absolute best to not see my next birthday. I will be rid of this life sentence in this skin prison of mine, all of the supposed friends who took me for granted will make my death about them and say they should have done more (well, they aint wrong) and I will no longer have to deal with seeing people live lives I cannot live. When I CTB, it won't be a moment too soon, it will be long overdue.

I really don't want to die. I prefer to have been born the way I wanted to (cis-female), but since that is not possible nor did it happen, compared to the rest of my options, CTBing is the lesser of the evils for me. I know this is just another useless rant post and you won't have to deal with them much long, because if I have my way, I will CTB by the end of the year, possibly sooner. Feel free to ask questions about my shitty situation or whatever. I'll answer since I am bored. Hell, you can try debating transitioning with me, because you're not going to change my mind on the matter, nor will I let you. It will be a futile attempt. Your birth is a biological and genetic lottery. and however you're born be it your assigned sex, upbringing etc. shapes how the rest of your life can and will go. Unfortunately, I lost the 50/50 at birth so I do not want to exist.

"Parting won't be such sweet sorrow, it's will be just plain sweet!"

I highlighted the pale text, at least it wasn't deformed italic, so I could read.

I am a woman and wished to be teansitionned into a man. Until I found out that both gender norms are shitty, that everyone has both hormones, and that I might as well accept myself and do my best.

I don't want to be banned, but as a ex anorexic I agree that 300 pounds is a meat prison. But being a woman isn't what you think it is. Society would be much harder on you if you were a 300 pounds woman... Or a pretty one. I get assaulted by friends... And I'm not even pretty. I lost jobs & my career in computers because I get dumped when I don't agree to sex.

Wanna bleed 1 week of 4 every months?

If you want to lose weight, try to gain health. Only eat stuff naturally high in vitamin c or b. You'll cut out grains, sugar, msg... Antidepressants make people obese because they're insulin, it store fuel in fat to weaken us, to control us.

I saw a guy in a kimono, he was grace incarnate. I think he still had his dick. While I wore cargo pants.

No need to cut off your dick to be who you are. Just embrace what you like.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I highlighted the pale text, at least it wasn't deformed italic, so I could read.

I am a woman and wished to be teansitionned into a man. Until I found out that both gender norms are shitty, that everyone has both hormones, and that I might as well accept myself and do my best.

I don't want to be banned, but as a ex anorexic I agree that 300 pounds is a meat prison. But being a woman isn't what you think it is. Society would be much harder on you if you were a 300 pounds woman... Or a pretty one. I get assaulted by friends... And I'm not even pretty. I lost jobs & my career in computers because I get dumped when I don't agree to sex.


Wanna bleed 1 week of 4 every months?

If you want to lose weight, try to gain health. Only eat stuff naturally high in vitamin c or b. You'll cut out grains, sugar, msg... Antidepressants make people obese because they're insulin, it store fuel in fat to weaken us, to control us.

I saw a guy in a kimono, he was grace incarnate. I think he still had his dick. While I wore cargo pants.

No need to cut off your dick to be who you are. Just embrace what you like.

I will respectfully address each point you made. And I hope that despite us seemingly disagreeing, we can remain civil :)

"I am a woman and wished to be transitioned into a man. Until I found out that both gender norms are shitty, that everyone has both hormones, and that I might as well accept myself and do my best."

Both gender norms do indeed suck. I am genderfluid, though so at least I can get some leeway there.


"I don't want to be banned, but as a ex anorexic I agree that 300 pounds is a meat prison. But being a woman isn't what you think it is. Society would be much harder on you if you were a 300 pounds woman... Or a pretty one. I get assaulted by friends... And I'm not even pretty. I lost jobs & my career in computers because I get dumped when I don't agree to sex."

I don't think you will nor should be banned for the meat prison comment. I completely agree and take no offence to it. I am 300 LBS because I have 0 reason to care about my appearance (as I am not the sex that I wish I could be). If I knew I could be attractive, I would do my absolute best to lose all the weight. Interestingly enough a few years ago, I did lose weight for the sole reason to attract someone of the opposite sex. I was down to almost 200 lbs (walked 4-8 hours a night, drank almost nothing but crystal light, actually ate well) and it did not work. Then my depression festered and overwhelmed me in May of last year and here I am. I have 0 reason to care about my appearance. I wear the same shit every day, I don't brush my teeth anymore and I half ass cut my hair. Why should I do any different? I don't get the appearance I want, and I no longer desire a romantic relationship so that purpose no longer applies for me to take care of myself. Personally, if I was a female, I would do everything in my power to take care of myself, but I am sadly not.

I am very sorry that you were assaulted and used. That is definitely a con to being female, no doubt, and I hope my post doesn't off as negating that. My point is though, I just hate being a male and everything that comes with it. (genitials, body hair, boring appearances, etc).


"Wanna bleed 1 week of 4 every months?"

That is definitely horrible, but to me it beats being sexually impotent as a male and having ED. I personally think that if I was attractive and had pretty privilage, it would be a trade off I'd accept. I do acknowledge that for some., its not worth it. However, in my heart of hearts, I hate being male and that is 100% my problem.


"I saw a guy in a kimono, he was grace incarnate. I think he still had his dick. While I wore cargo pants."

I hate dicks and prostate. Mine, and other peoples and that is a hill I will die on (pun intended, I guess). The male genitailia is gross to me and I cannot stand being in a body that grosses me out every day.

"If you want to lose weight, try to gain health. Only eat stuff naturally high in vitamin c or b. You'll cut out grains, sugar, msg... Antidepressants make people obese because they're insulin, it store fuel in fat to weaken us, to control us."

as mentioned in a previous paragraph, I absolutely could lose weight if I wanted to, and have before. However, I have 0 reason to care about my body and I am not going to start now. Ripped or fat, I hate the male body and will never consider it an attractive appearance.

"No need to cut off your dick to be who you are. Just embrace what you like."

There is not a single thing about being male that I like. and I'm not 'cutting my dick off". I am just going to be rid of this body hopefully very soon once I CTB.

 

[a_dead_mess]

I read your comments and I just wanna say I'm really sorry life has treated you this way and I hope you'll find relief somewhere, whether that means fighting to be who you are or leaving this shitty place.

happy birthday :)

 

[Life_and_Death]

i hate my bday too, but only because i got "traumatized" that day by a guy (difficult to explain).
the part about just being born the way you wanted got me thinking about reincarnation...
i believe the afterlife journey depends on the individual (with hell not existing). my cats were born around the time my dog died and i hadnt seen my dog in 7yrs before her death (i never got to see her again) but my cats love me very very much so sometimes i wonder, i mean..the timing is kinda weird.
anyway point is, i sort of believe in reincarnation and i think it would be nice for you if you had a chance to retry

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful being in that situation. None of us should have to endure so much misery, this life really is so unfair. I find birthdays to be depressing personally. Best wishes.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I read your comments and I just wanna say I'm really sorry life has treated you this way and I hope you'll find relief somewhere, whether that means fighting to be who you are or leaving this shitty place.

happy birthday :)

I appreciate it. I'm going to take the coward's way out (as some refer to it as) and seek that eternal peace soon. Thank you as well for the birthday wishes!

i hate my bday too, but only because i got "traumatized" that day by a guy (difficult to explain).
the part about just being born the way you wanted got me thinking about reincarnation...
i believe the afterlife journey depends on the individual (with hell not existing). my cats were born around the time my dog died and i hadnt seen my dog in 7yrs before her death (i never got to see her again) but my cats love me very very much so sometimes i wonder, i mean..the timing is kinda weird.
anyway point is, i sort of believe in reincarnation and i think it would be nice for you if you had a chance to retry

I hope for reincarnation. I really do lol I want a chance to live the life I want. Let's hope there's something better for the both of us after our lives :)

It must be so awful being in that situation. None of us should have to endure so much misery, this life really is so unfair. I find birthdays to be depressing personally. Best wishes.

Thank you so much for the best wishes <3