Venting Today was awful and I want to disappear

[mob]

Wow, another vent thread by me - what a surprise.

A few months ago, someone told me I was getting that spark in my eyes back - I think it's one of the most beautiful things you can say to someone - if it's true. In my case, no. Absolutely not.

I promised my girlfriend I'd clean the apartment today while she was gone, but I spent the entire day in bed, rotting away. I haven't had so many suicidal thoughts at once in a long time. I'm always thinking about ctb, but usually not to the point where I get uncontrollable urges, like today. I felt as though I was basically melting into the mattress, and even my sister who doesn't take stuff like that seriously- asked me if I was okay. So I believe it was really obvious today.

Tomorrow, I'll have to work. I have no energy. Tomorrow, I'll have to eat. I have no energy. Tomorrow I'll have to be alive, I have no energy. None at all.

But despite that, time doesn't stop for me. In the blink of an eye, it's suddenly night and time to sleep so I can get more than five hours of sleep for once. While I'm drowning in my thoughts and emotions, the seconds that pass stack up to minutes, and then hours. It doesn't stop.
I can't stay at home tomorrow again. My coworkers already complained about me being absent. But does it really matter if I'm unable to do my work anyway?

I just don't know anymore. I wish I was gone.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Oh, man. I can feel your pain through your words…. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Most of us here do….. I wish I could know your story and why you're feeling the way you do. But I absolutely understand why you feel like there's no energy left in you….. I'm sorry I can't say anything helpful. I probably can only say things you probably already heard…..
I'm very sorry you're hurting so much. And I'm sorry you have to go to work…. Instead of just staying home…..
If you need to talk…. I'll be here…..

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring suffering like that, to me it's understandable just wishing to be free from it all. But anyway best wishes.

 

[mob]

Oh, man. I can feel your pain through your words…. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Most of us here do….. I wish I could know your story and why you're feeling the way you do. But I absolutely understand why you feel like there's no energy left in you….. I'm sorry I can't say anything helpful. I probably can only say things you probably already heard…..
I'm very sorry you're hurting so much. And I'm sorry you have to go to work…. Instead of just staying home…..
If you need to talk…. I'll be here…..

Your reply alone was helpful, so don't worry. Yes, I hate working - although it's a simple office job, it just takes a huge toll on me. Thank you for your kind reply ❤

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Your reply alone was helpful, so don't worry. Yes, I hate working - although it's a simple office job, it just takes a huge toll on me. Thank you for your kind reply ❤

Not at all!!
is it because your job is not something you really want to do or because you don't want to have any job?

 

[CW36]

It must be really tiring suffering like that, to me it's understandable just wishing to be free from it all. But anyway best wishes.

Please don't encourage bad feelings. Thank you.

 

[mob]

Not at all!!
is it because your job is not something you really want to do or because you don't want to have any job?

I can't really complain about my job - it's a quite easy one after all. However, I don't really like my coworkers, they're all two-faced and will talk shit about anyone who crosses their paths, including me
obviously. And it just drains me - since I am always feeling exhausted, I can't really do my work either and it just keeps piling up. I'd rather stay in bed or work from home, which isn't possible for me unfortunately.

But despite my coworkers, I'd like the job if I wasn't feeling so drained every day.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

I can't really complain about my job - it's a quite easy one after all. However, I don't really like my coworkers, they're all two-faced and will talk shit about anyone who crosses their paths, including me
obviously. And it just drains me - since I am always feeling exhausted, I can't really do my work either and it just keeps piling up. I'd rather stay in bed or work from home, which isn't possible for me unfortunately.

But despite my coworkers, I'd like the job if I wasn't feeling so drained every day.

Hmmm. I see. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Toxic, unfriendly work environment can drain you even more. Is it possible for you to try to look for a different place, maybe? Also maybe you can take a vacation?… maybe you need to recharge?…

 

[CW36]

I can't really complain about my job - it's a quite easy one after all. However, I don't really like my coworkers, they're all two-faced and will talk shit about anyone who crosses their paths, including me
obviously. And it just drains me - since I am always feeling exhausted, I can't really do my work either and it just keeps piling up. I'd rather stay in bed or work from home, which isn't possible for me unfortunately.

But despite my coworkers, I'd like the job if I wasn't feeling so drained every day.

Try to stay positive. Don't let them in. I believe in you. God save you my sensitive soul.

 

[Unattainable666]

I can truly understand your pain. When I'm not at work I drink to ease the pain I feel so I can sleep - then the dreams come. I've stopped eating so I can have enough money to buy alcohol. I'm at a point where I'd rather drink than eat. I don't know what has brought you to this point in your life and I am so sorry that you have arrived here. Please know that you are NOT alone and never will be. There are too many of use here who understand how you feel. I wish you nothing but peace.

 

[mob]

Hmmm. I see. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Toxic, unfriendly work environment can drain you even more. Is it possible for you to try to look for a different place, maybe? Also maybe you can take a vacation?… maybe you need to recharge?…

Sorry for the late reply! :( I am currently staying at home so no, I didn't go to work.. Planning on staying home the whole week, so I can recharge. I feel extremely guilty for it. I unfortunately won't find another job with the same work hours I have at the moment.. so I'm just pulling through - although I don't see the point in it.

I can truly understand your pain. When I'm not at work I drink to ease the pain I feel so I can sleep - then the dreams come. I've stopped eating so I can have enough money to buy alcohol. I'm at a point where I'd rather drink than eat. I don't know what has brought you to this point in your life and I am so sorry that you have arrived here. Please know that you are NOT alone and never will be. There are too many of use here who understand how you feel. I wish you nothing but peace.

I'm really sorry to hear that, I wanna let you know that you are not alone either. I know what addiction feels like and it's not easy. I wish you the best.

 

[Cute_&_Loving]

Sorry for the late reply! :( I am currently staying at home so no, I didn't go to work.. Planning on staying home the whole week, so I can recharge. I feel extremely guilty for it. I unfortunately won't find another job with the same work hours I have at the moment.. so I'm just pulling through - although I don't see the point in it

well, since you wanted to stay home and that;s what you did I'm glad for you!! I really hope this staycation is going to help... And it ucks you can;t find a better job for yourself..... I feel you on not seeing point in anything anymore.... Living with such mindset alone is exhausting....

 

[voc_89]

you shouldn't feel guilty missing work (once you don't get into trouble). Putting on 'the mask' is hard. Especially when you feeling at your lowest. At those times you may mess up and show signs of your true self. And we all know how that goes lol. For me, when I am at my worst I cut off all communication. So I don't have to pretend to anyone. I try to time it for 3 days. However, you have to know if you okay going without contact for so long. What works for some mightn't work for all. I do hope your mental frame improves

I can truly understand your pain. When I'm not at work I drink to ease the pain I feel so I can sleep - then the dreams come. I've stopped eating so I can have enough money to buy alcohol. I'm at a point where I'd rather drink than eat. I don't know what has brought you to this point in your life and I am so sorry that you have arrived here. Please know that you are NOT alone and never will be. There are too many of use here who understand how you feel. I wish you nothing but peace.

this was me over the weekend gone. The voices don't make sense when you yourself can't make sense of whats going on around you. I get it. Sorry to read that you in such pain.