DeathMarch66
Sad Satan
- Apr 15, 2023
- 27
Before I tell this story let me provide some context into who I am. For privacy reasons I'm going to change slight details about myself but just know they're all fairly close to who I really am just want to clarify that in case later I decide to open more.
M21, from NY
I grew up in an extremely toxic nuclear family all of my aunts uncles and cousins lived fairly close by and I grew up watching all of them trying to eat each other alive in sneaky and malicious ways. I describe them best as a family of cabalistic wolves. It was scary because on a surface level from the outside my entire family came off in a very nice and put together way but underneath there was a tremendous amount of catastrophic failures and issues on a multi generational level, and I'd argue much of it was systematic on the side of my grandparents. I won't go into specific stories because 1. I don't want anyone to recognize who I am and 2. Because I'd be typing this out for the next 3-5 days if I did
, but generally there was pedophilia, sexual abuse, substance abuse, domestic violence issues, and extreme verbal abuse. Nobody in my family is particularly wealthy or well off by any means but I will say when issues arose that would threaten my families cultural social circles they would come together but only under that specific circumstance would they go into as I call it "clean up mode" or better put "let's all pile this massive fucking shit show under a rug and pretend that it doesn't exist mode." Now that I've said that we can move on to something else, my relationship with my direct family (mother and father), my father suffered from BPD and possibly schizophrenia, his mother was also a very toxic woman and when I was very young she convinced him to stop taking medication he was a loving caring man but once he stopped taking medication everything fell apart he lost his business, started having really bad manic episodes, and became an entirely different person. My mother tried her absolute best to get him back on medication and help him help himself but I think the world we live in was just too much for him and he disappeared (yes he's still alive he has another family and several other children from what I've heard but he's living in another country now). fyi it also doesn't help that this happened during the 07/08 housing crisis so it left me and my mother in a horrendously bad financial situation because during his manic episodes he and purchased some other properties (using my college fund as down payments) in some half ass attempt to be a real estate mogul. So we were basically left with our household income cut down by 75% and a fuck ton of debt. My mother sold the house at a loss and we moved in with my aunt during time a lot of bad things happened I got into a lot of drugs and other things that I won't go into detail with. During this time I never really saw my mother so I have roughly a 6-7 year memory gap don't remember anything about her don't remember much else other than the bad stuff. I fully moved back in with my mom later in my teen years but we were both always busy her with work and me with other "extracurricular" activities that she never really noticed and or didn't have much concern with, it's complicated but we both had and still have love for each other I think but our relationship is strained and distant at best. I got my GED and moved out as soon as I could to improve my quality of life and make something of myself and to distance myself from my nuclear families constant bullshit. And I succeeded things were better than ever and in many ways still are which I am extremely grateful for, distance make the heart grow fonder and me and my mother's relationship improved and I saved a lot of money. Two months ago I decided to leave my job because I'd saved a very healthy amount of money and I decided to move to Texas for financial opportunities. During this time I approached my mother to see if she would like for me to move back in so that I could spend time with her and be close to friends and old acquaintances that way I could see who I wanted to see before I left for good. She accepted this arrangement and was relatively happy from what I could see. However shortly after I moved in she started becoming more and more distant from me almost like she liked the idea of me better than who I actually am. Side note thank you for anyone who's reading all of this sorry for making it so long 
.
Now we come to today, I'd just gotten back from a roughly week long trip to a friend's home who lives a couple states away and noticed my mother was acting extremely odd. I asked her what was wrong and she said the following in summary. "You're growing distant from your family, I've seen other people in our family do the same over many years, I don't know who you are anymore, I'm not happy with you or who you've become, if you don't want me to be your mother I won't be and I am opting out of our relationship, good luck I'm not going to speak with you I still want you to help around the house while your here good luck with your life." I obviously disagreed with her and asked her where this was coming from but she started ignoring me basically silently telling me to fuck off and went about her day... I'm not particularly sad or surprised but this is certainly an angry fucking moment for me. I've done so much for you, money, time, I've shouldered your pain and your burdens when you needed me to never asking for anything in return I've raised myself and been self sufficient I've lived my entire life trying my best to not add more shit to your plate and this...this is how you want to end in it in fucking SILENCE???
Anyways, I'll be candid I'm not particularly suicidal sure the thought comes up once in a while and don't get me wrong I certainly have my philosophies on masochism, melancholy, and not living till old age (CTB to die towards the end of youthful potential). But I mainly subscribe to this community because for various reasons my lifestyle often brings me closer to death or the other side if you will than your average Joe and I find some peace in being active in a community that can relate to that more than most. I don't know how to feel about this situation, not sure what I should do, I appreciate you reading and taking the time to hear the things I can't share with anyone. Thank you and sorry if this wasn't relevant enough to the forum I just needed to vent, I'm sorry.
M21, from NY
I grew up in an extremely toxic nuclear family all of my aunts uncles and cousins lived fairly close by and I grew up watching all of them trying to eat each other alive in sneaky and malicious ways. I describe them best as a family of cabalistic wolves. It was scary because on a surface level from the outside my entire family came off in a very nice and put together way but underneath there was a tremendous amount of catastrophic failures and issues on a multi generational level, and I'd argue much of it was systematic on the side of my grandparents. I won't go into specific stories because 1. I don't want anyone to recognize who I am and 2. Because I'd be typing this out for the next 3-5 days if I did
, but generally there was pedophilia, sexual abuse, substance abuse, domestic violence issues, and extreme verbal abuse. Nobody in my family is particularly wealthy or well off by any means but I will say when issues arose that would threaten my families cultural social circles they would come together but only under that specific circumstance would they go into as I call it "clean up mode" or better put "let's all pile this massive fucking shit show under a rug and pretend that it doesn't exist mode." Now that I've said that we can move on to something else, my relationship with my direct family (mother and father), my father suffered from BPD and possibly schizophrenia, his mother was also a very toxic woman and when I was very young she convinced him to stop taking medication he was a loving caring man but once he stopped taking medication everything fell apart he lost his business, started having really bad manic episodes, and became an entirely different person. My mother tried her absolute best to get him back on medication and help him help himself but I think the world we live in was just too much for him and he disappeared (yes he's still alive he has another family and several other children from what I've heard but he's living in another country now). fyi it also doesn't help that this happened during the 07/08 housing crisis so it left me and my mother in a horrendously bad financial situation because during his manic episodes he and purchased some other properties (using my college fund as down payments) in some half ass attempt to be a real estate mogul. So we were basically left with our household income cut down by 75% and a fuck ton of debt. My mother sold the house at a loss and we moved in with my aunt during time a lot of bad things happened I got into a lot of drugs and other things that I won't go into detail with. During this time I never really saw my mother so I have roughly a 6-7 year memory gap don't remember anything about her don't remember much else other than the bad stuff. I fully moved back in with my mom later in my teen years but we were both always busy her with work and me with other "extracurricular" activities that she never really noticed and or didn't have much concern with, it's complicated but we both had and still have love for each other I think but our relationship is strained and distant at best. I got my GED and moved out as soon as I could to improve my quality of life and make something of myself and to distance myself from my nuclear families constant bullshit. And I succeeded things were better than ever and in many ways still are which I am extremely grateful for, distance make the heart grow fonder and me and my mother's relationship improved and I saved a lot of money. Two months ago I decided to leave my job because I'd saved a very healthy amount of money and I decided to move to Texas for financial opportunities. During this time I approached my mother to see if she would like for me to move back in so that I could spend time with her and be close to friends and old acquaintances that way I could see who I wanted to see before I left for good. She accepted this arrangement and was relatively happy from what I could see. However shortly after I moved in she started becoming more and more distant from me almost like she liked the idea of me better than who I actually am. Side note thank you for anyone who's reading all of this sorry for making it so long .Now we come to today, I'd just gotten back from a roughly week long trip to a friend's home who lives a couple states away and noticed my mother was acting extremely odd. I asked her what was wrong and she said the following in summary. "You're growing distant from your family, I've seen other people in our family do the same over many years, I don't know who you are anymore, I'm not happy with you or who you've become, if you don't want me to be your mother I won't be and I am opting out of our relationship, good luck I'm not going to speak with you I still want you to help around the house while your here good luck with your life." I obviously disagreed with her and asked her where this was coming from but she started ignoring me basically silently telling me to fuck off and went about her day... I'm not particularly sad or surprised but this is certainly an angry fucking moment for me. I've done so much for you, money, time, I've shouldered your pain and your burdens when you needed me to never asking for anything in return I've raised myself and been self sufficient I've lived my entire life trying my best to not add more shit to your plate and this...this is how you want to end in it in fucking SILENCE???
Anyways, I'll be candid I'm not particularly suicidal sure the thought comes up once in a while and don't get me wrong I certainly have my philosophies on masochism, melancholy, and not living till old age (CTB to die towards the end of youthful potential). But I mainly subscribe to this community because for various reasons my lifestyle often brings me closer to death or the other side if you will than your average Joe and I find some peace in being active in a community that can relate to that more than most. I don't know how to feel about this situation, not sure what I should do, I appreciate you reading and taking the time to hear the things I can't share with anyone. Thank you and sorry if this wasn't relevant enough to the forum I just needed to vent, I'm sorry.
