Hi everyone.
A lot has happened lately that has brought me here. I've always had my struggle with suicide, coupled with a horrible family and abusive father I've never been able to get any help until late years, when I could on my own.
Also since I came out as gay it only worsen things and tension. Worse about it is I couldn't just up and leave, even though I REALLY wanted to, but couldn't then, so I had to suffer the abusive and let my skin grow thicker I guess you could say, built some sort of resistance, but even so, I still hurt, a lot.
I've tried so much, therapy, meds, voluntary hospital stays, none of them really worked for me, in fact they only kept making me worse, like more sad and down. I only really felt happy or some days okay when I was either writing and event programming.
I was probably the most happy in 2016-2017, where my self worth was at an all time high. But those where different times.
Around 2018 it started to decline. By then I was good at socializing and breaking out of my shell I had for so long. I had 2 relationships by then; both ended on okay terms, you know life comes and goes—different directions, but then I would meet my third relationship, the one with the porn star. To be honest I thought I could open up about it, but just the thought of it brings back years of old memories I just cant relive anymore, too much trauma. Sad thing is (I fear), I'm no stranger to dating porn stars, I personally don't see anything wrong with that, as it's really just another job for them at the end of the day, I see them for the human side after all, but... some of the things are different than other relationships.
I'd be lying in saying that also wasn't part of my reasons for wanting to CTB nowadays, but I mean, I had good encounters with guys so it's not all bad, even after my worst relationship.
Nowadays I've re-dedicated myself to my work in game development, focusing everything on it so it continues the smooth path it has (at times) and keeping myself happy at least in that regard, since it's the only thing that is legitimately keeping me alive here thus far.
That and maybe one guy, but I can't speak about as even though its cordial, I don't want it to be anything other than that.
I had my own place for a while year ago, but due to difficulty I had to move back in with my parents, something I'd honestly rather die than do, but I mean, going back into repression to keep some sort of roof over my head, was a sacrifice I'm used to making.
It's been worse now than ever, since even though I repress myself around them to keep things somewhat leveled here, I refuse to let myself be closeted because of it. I just don't. It's a shame but I'm just trying to do everything I can when I'm not attempting to ctb to find my peace at the end of this horrific tunnel of tension.
Never liked weekends since those are the days when my "father" acts the most abusive. The last time he physically assaulted me, and when I was about to press charges, he changed all around and tried convince me not to.
To this day I wish I hadn't, but I'm just too nice.
Today it happened again and despite having grown some skin and resistance to the abusive so long, it still hurts me, a lot.
I can still feel the underlying tension and hatred he has for his gay son. Ever though he can put up the fake mask and act like it's not, his true colors say otherwise, spoken through his actions.
I also had this habit of not wanting to eat that's been with me for years now. Sometimes when I do eat, I feel guilty about it, but I never purge, I go into a sort of stasis where its maybe a couple days with only one small meal and that's it, then I just exercise myself, go on my walks, etc.
Its uncommon, but I'm able to keep myself fed when I need it and all other things.
Today of all has been the worse. Even though I have my copes, I still want to ctb. I don't have any friends, or any that ever stuck around so I'm always alone especially nowadays, when I could definitely be better in a safe environment than this. Work for me can get pretty stressful at times and with the added there, I just want peace and end. To die in a state of pure nothingness; no worries no doubts, fears, nothing just none of it anymore. Or maybe I can still dream, and finally be and feel somewhere safe.
I may not ctb tonight, or tomorrow, but I'm certain I'll one day. I haven't decided on a solid method though. I found myself here where I feel solace for once in a while.
A lot has happened lately that has brought me here. I've always had my struggle with suicide, coupled with a horrible family and abusive father I've never been able to get any help until late years, when I could on my own.
Also since I came out as gay it only worsen things and tension. Worse about it is I couldn't just up and leave, even though I REALLY wanted to, but couldn't then, so I had to suffer the abusive and let my skin grow thicker I guess you could say, built some sort of resistance, but even so, I still hurt, a lot.
I've tried so much, therapy, meds, voluntary hospital stays, none of them really worked for me, in fact they only kept making me worse, like more sad and down. I only really felt happy or some days okay when I was either writing and event programming.
I was probably the most happy in 2016-2017, where my self worth was at an all time high. But those where different times.
Around 2018 it started to decline. By then I was good at socializing and breaking out of my shell I had for so long. I had 2 relationships by then; both ended on okay terms, you know life comes and goes—different directions, but then I would meet my third relationship, the one with the porn star. To be honest I thought I could open up about it, but just the thought of it brings back years of old memories I just cant relive anymore, too much trauma. Sad thing is (I fear), I'm no stranger to dating porn stars, I personally don't see anything wrong with that, as it's really just another job for them at the end of the day, I see them for the human side after all, but... some of the things are different than other relationships.
I'd be lying in saying that also wasn't part of my reasons for wanting to CTB nowadays, but I mean, I had good encounters with guys so it's not all bad, even after my worst relationship.
Nowadays I've re-dedicated myself to my work in game development, focusing everything on it so it continues the smooth path it has (at times) and keeping myself happy at least in that regard, since it's the only thing that is legitimately keeping me alive here thus far.
That and maybe one guy, but I can't speak about as even though its cordial, I don't want it to be anything other than that.
I had my own place for a while year ago, but due to difficulty I had to move back in with my parents, something I'd honestly rather die than do, but I mean, going back into repression to keep some sort of roof over my head, was a sacrifice I'm used to making.
It's been worse now than ever, since even though I repress myself around them to keep things somewhat leveled here, I refuse to let myself be closeted because of it. I just don't. It's a shame but I'm just trying to do everything I can when I'm not attempting to ctb to find my peace at the end of this horrific tunnel of tension.
Never liked weekends since those are the days when my "father" acts the most abusive. The last time he physically assaulted me, and when I was about to press charges, he changed all around and tried convince me not to.
To this day I wish I hadn't, but I'm just too nice.
Today it happened again and despite having grown some skin and resistance to the abusive so long, it still hurts me, a lot.
I can still feel the underlying tension and hatred he has for his gay son. Ever though he can put up the fake mask and act like it's not, his true colors say otherwise, spoken through his actions.
I also had this habit of not wanting to eat that's been with me for years now. Sometimes when I do eat, I feel guilty about it, but I never purge, I go into a sort of stasis where its maybe a couple days with only one small meal and that's it, then I just exercise myself, go on my walks, etc.
Its uncommon, but I'm able to keep myself fed when I need it and all other things.
Today of all has been the worse. Even though I have my copes, I still want to ctb. I don't have any friends, or any that ever stuck around so I'm always alone especially nowadays, when I could definitely be better in a safe environment than this. Work for me can get pretty stressful at times and with the added there, I just want peace and end. To die in a state of pure nothingness; no worries no doubts, fears, nothing just none of it anymore. Or maybe I can still dream, and finally be and feel somewhere safe.
I may not ctb tonight, or tomorrow, but I'm certain I'll one day. I haven't decided on a solid method though. I found myself here where I feel solace for once in a while.
