trying ungracefully
Student
- Jun 11, 2025
- 134
This is a mess just to warn., I'm just typing and venting. Mention of SA btw.
It started with the job listing from my aunt that made me upset because I just can't do it. Then all the shit with my boyfriend spiraled.
It started because I really need support from him and he hasn't been able to give ANY for two years, since my manic episode, because I hurt him really bad with what I said and did during that time. I just wish there was some change and there is none. I called him and he got upset that I did that when all I wanted was for him to be on the call to bring me comfort, not even talk. And I got upset with that.
It spiraled and spiraled and he was mocking me and making fun of me. "It's what the goddess queen decides" is one I remember and that one hurt because he calls me a queen in a fun way. It got to the point where I wanted to break up with him and I said it even though I didn't really want to my emotions just took control. I went back on what I said in like a minute and he told me to stick to what I said and that we aren't together. That upset me because all of last year he was suggesting and wanting to break up and I gave him all the chances in the world but he didn't want to give me one with this.
During all of this I realized I am honestly verbally abusive to him and say hurtful and terrible things when I am upset which he doesn't deserve and I told him that once I realized. The fucked up part is that he thinks he deserves it because he grew up in an abusive household so he is conditioned with it, and I just added which makes me feel like complete shit that I did that to someone I love. I always wondered how people become abusers and I guess I know how now.
We weren't in person when this all was going down so he picked me up so we could say goodbye and talk. We talked for a while and I don't know what changed in him but he wanted to be with me. He just said it was up to me to be with him since I realized I was verbally abusive. He said I did the same thing to him when he was sexually assaulting me and didn't understand and he thought it was a good idea. So I thought for a while and asked everything he needed from me and asked if he would be able to start supporting me in small ways like calling in the moment when things aren't okay.
I decided to be with him in the end because of what was said and I really love him, we've been together 5 years and he is my first love and he makes me feel just so comforted and amazing when we are together. When I am in his arms I can just fully relax and I love it so much. When we were in the car my head hurt really bad from crying and he put my head on his shoulder and wrapped his arm around my head. I closed my eyes and the headache went away, I'm not saying he is magic it is just nice feeling that comforted.
Now I have to face my family tomorrow because my parents heard everything go down because they just had to be by my room when I was on the phone lol. I can't lie to them so I talked to them a bit when I calmed down. I also texted my brother because he is around my age so it's better and he is one of my biggest supports since I have no friends and my therapist's water broke today so I couldn't talk to her. My new therapist only responds during business hours which I understand but it sucks.
It feels like I just want to stay in the house forever. When things get like this the best thing is to just be in my room, I don't want to be doing exposures even though I have to. My room just brings me comfort in the hardest times because I can use my black out curtains, turn on my lamp and candle warmer with my salt lamp also on and it just brings so much relaxation and if I curl up in the blankets it's even better. I don't want going outside stress on top of all of this.
It started with the job listing from my aunt that made me upset because I just can't do it. Then all the shit with my boyfriend spiraled.
It started because I really need support from him and he hasn't been able to give ANY for two years, since my manic episode, because I hurt him really bad with what I said and did during that time. I just wish there was some change and there is none. I called him and he got upset that I did that when all I wanted was for him to be on the call to bring me comfort, not even talk. And I got upset with that.
It spiraled and spiraled and he was mocking me and making fun of me. "It's what the goddess queen decides" is one I remember and that one hurt because he calls me a queen in a fun way. It got to the point where I wanted to break up with him and I said it even though I didn't really want to my emotions just took control. I went back on what I said in like a minute and he told me to stick to what I said and that we aren't together. That upset me because all of last year he was suggesting and wanting to break up and I gave him all the chances in the world but he didn't want to give me one with this.
During all of this I realized I am honestly verbally abusive to him and say hurtful and terrible things when I am upset which he doesn't deserve and I told him that once I realized. The fucked up part is that he thinks he deserves it because he grew up in an abusive household so he is conditioned with it, and I just added which makes me feel like complete shit that I did that to someone I love. I always wondered how people become abusers and I guess I know how now.
We weren't in person when this all was going down so he picked me up so we could say goodbye and talk. We talked for a while and I don't know what changed in him but he wanted to be with me. He just said it was up to me to be with him since I realized I was verbally abusive. He said I did the same thing to him when he was sexually assaulting me and didn't understand and he thought it was a good idea. So I thought for a while and asked everything he needed from me and asked if he would be able to start supporting me in small ways like calling in the moment when things aren't okay.
I decided to be with him in the end because of what was said and I really love him, we've been together 5 years and he is my first love and he makes me feel just so comforted and amazing when we are together. When I am in his arms I can just fully relax and I love it so much. When we were in the car my head hurt really bad from crying and he put my head on his shoulder and wrapped his arm around my head. I closed my eyes and the headache went away, I'm not saying he is magic it is just nice feeling that comforted.
Now I have to face my family tomorrow because my parents heard everything go down because they just had to be by my room when I was on the phone lol. I can't lie to them so I talked to them a bit when I calmed down. I also texted my brother because he is around my age so it's better and he is one of my biggest supports since I have no friends and my therapist's water broke today so I couldn't talk to her. My new therapist only responds during business hours which I understand but it sucks.
It feels like I just want to stay in the house forever. When things get like this the best thing is to just be in my room, I don't want to be doing exposures even though I have to. My room just brings me comfort in the hardest times because I can use my black out curtains, turn on my lamp and candle warmer with my salt lamp also on and it just brings so much relaxation and if I curl up in the blankets it's even better. I don't want going outside stress on top of all of this.
