Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
On January 11th 2019, in a PTSD, Betrayal Trauma, First Ever BPD/CPTSD, Narrcisiistic Victim Syndrome Episode. SOmething I had never experinced in my life, a psychic pain so horrific I would scream to the top of my lungs as if i was being stabbed to death and doused in rubbing alcohol, curled up in fetal position. This usually happened during the day when the neighbors were all at work, because if anyone had heard I'm certain someone would have called the cops, thinking someone was being murdered. The thing is, I was being murdered, my my mind, my emotions, my heartbreak. For those of yall thats been been around a while, knows about the one who brought me to SS, to my knees and to my soon to be death. The BOY FROM LAST SUMMER (2018 summer). I mailed him a 60 page HANDWRITTEN letter and sealed myself up in my bedroom with a gas generator. I should have died. My doors didn't lock so I didn't know I should have bolted them.
In a blackout state I escaped the room and came to on my kitchen floor deprived of oxygen and terrified. I aborted the mission. I regret it so deeply. Because the following 6 months of HELL, flashbacks, PTSD, meltdowns, dreams about him, my entire being was overrun-- comsumed---- I was sure I was never going to "come back" -- slowly the symtoms faded but I there is nothing left. I was hanging by a thread when I met him and he was the delightful straw that broke this camels back. I can't believe what has gone on in these 12 months, maybe the second most damning was that I gained 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED FUCKING POUNDS from binge eating from all the sadness and stress.... I'm so obese it hurts to WALK. THEN I BROKE MY ANCKLE ROLLER SKATING- Which was a part of my "therapy" to "try something new" HA! I went from being a dancer, able to slice the dancefloor for 4-6 hours--- at a time..
To being an old, fat, limping, lonely, ugly hag. All in a period of a little over a year. But you know what yall? I'm just putting it out there that I will not fail at leaving this planet. I don't have enough determination to play the "hard game of life" here---- No more "hard knocks" no more "suck it up" no more "life is hard for everybody.." Soon it won't be for me. I have been working hard to fight my fear of death and the religious indoctrination I recived from a child about the so-called afterlife. I realize I have been so duped and naieve about so much shit in this life. Born to a real life "Mommie Dearest" and shuffeled around the the Los Angeles Foster care system ending up in a totla of 26 instututions before I turned 18 to be nothing but a vagabond and emotional scavenger of life---- Like so many my life has been one big FAILED QUEST FOR LOVE. It wasn't deposited in me. When peopel tell me I need to "get it from within" they might as well be instructing me on how to build a rocketship in Chinese. Oh! If I could list all the modalites I tried. But I failed. And I failed hard. I just never had enough ego to withstand the BRUTAL blows of life and very soon SS family, I will step up and take my ticket to board the bus. I have the perfect method this time.
There is only the guilt of the handful of people I know will be devastated by my departure. But I can no longer let that stop me because for me, in my heart------- the faulty mechanism in me says no ones love mattered except one. I had hope I would be saved, and I met someone here--- but alas... We live in different countries... And one of us is bound by Travel sanctions due to Trump administration that make it impossible for them to come to me and well----- I'm too old, fat and mentally ill to travel to a 3rd world country for love even though it is still a faint consideration in my mind that haunts me.
I came to to SS to learn to tread the path leading to self deliverance. Each day there is less fear--- its taken a year to get to this point. I've sold half of my belongings- My "TO DO BEFORE I DIE" list is getting shorter and shorter.... The goal is to be out of here well before the end of February. I hate life yall. I hate it here. SO much.
I can't wait to be rid of all the relentless shame, pain, humiliation, emptiness, anger, FRUSTRATION, lack of control, feeling WORTHLESS AND UGLY, not haiving options that I want-- and that ever present feeling of resentment that I was forced to come here into immense suffering.
I'm looking forward to connecting and reconnecting..... Until it's time.... to take those first few inhales into oblivion.
PS- I was shattered when i came back and Sweet Emotion & Jimford was gone--- I hate myself for leaving for so long.
Much love to all the SS peeps!
In a blackout state I escaped the room and came to on my kitchen floor deprived of oxygen and terrified. I aborted the mission. I regret it so deeply. Because the following 6 months of HELL, flashbacks, PTSD, meltdowns, dreams about him, my entire being was overrun-- comsumed---- I was sure I was never going to "come back" -- slowly the symtoms faded but I there is nothing left. I was hanging by a thread when I met him and he was the delightful straw that broke this camels back. I can't believe what has gone on in these 12 months, maybe the second most damning was that I gained 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED FUCKING POUNDS from binge eating from all the sadness and stress.... I'm so obese it hurts to WALK. THEN I BROKE MY ANCKLE ROLLER SKATING- Which was a part of my "therapy" to "try something new" HA! I went from being a dancer, able to slice the dancefloor for 4-6 hours--- at a time..
To being an old, fat, limping, lonely, ugly hag. All in a period of a little over a year. But you know what yall? I'm just putting it out there that I will not fail at leaving this planet. I don't have enough determination to play the "hard game of life" here---- No more "hard knocks" no more "suck it up" no more "life is hard for everybody.." Soon it won't be for me. I have been working hard to fight my fear of death and the religious indoctrination I recived from a child about the so-called afterlife. I realize I have been so duped and naieve about so much shit in this life. Born to a real life "Mommie Dearest" and shuffeled around the the Los Angeles Foster care system ending up in a totla of 26 instututions before I turned 18 to be nothing but a vagabond and emotional scavenger of life---- Like so many my life has been one big FAILED QUEST FOR LOVE. It wasn't deposited in me. When peopel tell me I need to "get it from within" they might as well be instructing me on how to build a rocketship in Chinese. Oh! If I could list all the modalites I tried. But I failed. And I failed hard. I just never had enough ego to withstand the BRUTAL blows of life and very soon SS family, I will step up and take my ticket to board the bus. I have the perfect method this time.
There is only the guilt of the handful of people I know will be devastated by my departure. But I can no longer let that stop me because for me, in my heart------- the faulty mechanism in me says no ones love mattered except one. I had hope I would be saved, and I met someone here--- but alas... We live in different countries... And one of us is bound by Travel sanctions due to Trump administration that make it impossible for them to come to me and well----- I'm too old, fat and mentally ill to travel to a 3rd world country for love even though it is still a faint consideration in my mind that haunts me.
I came to to SS to learn to tread the path leading to self deliverance. Each day there is less fear--- its taken a year to get to this point. I've sold half of my belongings- My "TO DO BEFORE I DIE" list is getting shorter and shorter.... The goal is to be out of here well before the end of February. I hate life yall. I hate it here. SO much.
I can't wait to be rid of all the relentless shame, pain, humiliation, emptiness, anger, FRUSTRATION, lack of control, feeling WORTHLESS AND UGLY, not haiving options that I want-- and that ever present feeling of resentment that I was forced to come here into immense suffering.
I'm looking forward to connecting and reconnecting..... Until it's time.... to take those first few inhales into oblivion.
PS- I was shattered when i came back and Sweet Emotion & Jimford was gone--- I hate myself for leaving for so long.
Much love to all the SS peeps!
