Story Today is the day i made the decision to die.

[Kev]

Today was horrible. I woke up, felt terrible and unmotivated as usual, and skipped my first class because I didn't have the energy to pull myself out of bed. I made it to my second class, where we discussed the big F-word: future. I am a senior in college, and I am facing the reality of entering the real world very soon. For almost 2 hours, I listened to career advice, discussion about grad school, listened to how we need to start applying to jobs now. All I could think about is how nobody would want me. I have no experience, no participation in relevant extracurriculars, no research, no internship, no professor that would be willing to give me a letter of rec, and my GPA has plummeted as my depression has gotten worse. I am a lazy spoiled fuck who will amount to nothing in life.

We talked about getting this certification 4 years after graduation when we are eligible, and I realized that the image I have of myself 4 years from now is still deeply lonely and depressed, career-less, behind everybody else, still unloveable, still a burden on my parents, still hating myself. 4 years from now, many of my friends will have moved away to start their careers or be with their newly wed spouse, reminding me even more of my failure at life. It will become harder to not be alone without friends. Life in general will be more strenuous and brutal. I truly believe that things will not get better, they will get worse. I have been trying to get better for a while, but that realization of what my future holds has caused me to completely lose the will to live.

I realized today that I am lonelier than ever, more hopeless than ever, and have ruined one of my most treasured friendships. I realized that humanity is even more fucked up than I thought. I realized how there are so many little things that cause me to feel negative emotions that happen every day. I realized just how fucking deeply unhappy and insecure I am. I am truly ready to die, I have a 3000 word suicide note that is very thorough so people will understand why, I have a very detailed and well researched plan that will guarantee my death, and I no longer have any affairs to take care of before I go. I feel nothing chaining me to this world anymore. I am a loser, and I have lost to depression. I have decided to CTB in 2 weeks.

Thank you all for being a great community that I could really fully and openly share my innermost thoughts and insecurities with and be understood. I'll still be active on the forum up until I die, but then hopefully soon it will be nothing but radio silence.

 

[axorz]

i am not prepared for life either but die isnt easy, which is your method?

 

[Tiburcio]

I wish you good luck when you do it.

 

[Kev]

i am not prepared for life either but die isnt easy, which is your method?

My method will involve a gun and a 9mm hollow point round aimed right above the ears to make sure the bullet annihilates my brainstem, guaranteeing that I instantly cease to exist the moment I pull the trigger. I want to maximize the chances that my organs end up being donated to someone who needs them. So, I am going to do it in a hospital, as counterintuitive as it sounds. Organ donors only have hours if not minutes to have the organs extracted after brain death, so my corpse needs to be fresh for my organs to be donated and what better way to do that then die in a hospital? I won't have to worry about being resuscitated and stitched back together into a vegetable because there is simply nothing modern medicine can do if the brainstem is destroyed. I figure at least this way my lifetime of growing healthy organs meant that I could do a lot of good for other people.