Every so often I feel these events. It's a noticeable shift in mindset and makes me think it's going to happen soon. I've been suicidal since childhood but most of the time it was passive and for attention. Then as I got older, the desire became less passive, but still for attention. Then as I accumulated trauma through living my unfortunate life, the suicidal ideations became less about attention and actually about wanting to die. But I never felt ready. I was always really scared, and I usually would leap at a chance to get help instead. Those years were when I started going to mental hospitals. I was breaking. Then when I was in graduate school another shift happened -- I actually did start wanting to die and I also sought help less often. It was a cross between not asking for help and the desire eventually passing and asking for help and getting sent to a hospital or the cops being called. Probably about 50/50. I would usually stop wanting to if I thought too much about how it would affect others.
Another shift happened recently. This one was different. Today I felt a sense of calm come over me about the idea that I was going to die and it might happen soon. I have stopped caring about how others will be affected or even what it will feel like. Of course I'm still trying to figure out the method least likely to ignite my survival instincts so it can't be too traumatic but in general I am now more or less dedicated to figuring this out and it's really not a matter of if anymore, but when. I'm not telling anyone about my thoughts now. Except here, because I know nobody will try to "save" me here. This is the first time I have felt calmness about it. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of the lights-out moment, knowing I can't turn back. I am truly exhausted from trying to heal and making no progress. The time is coming. It's starting to feel real. I may only need one more shift in order to get there.
Right now my husband and I are teetering on the brink of divorce. We might work it out, we might not. If divorce happens, life will be unlivable for me. That will be the final shift.
Another shift happened recently. This one was different. Today I felt a sense of calm come over me about the idea that I was going to die and it might happen soon. I have stopped caring about how others will be affected or even what it will feel like. Of course I'm still trying to figure out the method least likely to ignite my survival instincts so it can't be too traumatic but in general I am now more or less dedicated to figuring this out and it's really not a matter of if anymore, but when. I'm not telling anyone about my thoughts now. Except here, because I know nobody will try to "save" me here. This is the first time I have felt calmness about it. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of the lights-out moment, knowing I can't turn back. I am truly exhausted from trying to heal and making no progress. The time is coming. It's starting to feel real. I may only need one more shift in order to get there.
Right now my husband and I are teetering on the brink of divorce. We might work it out, we might not. If divorce happens, life will be unlivable for me. That will be the final shift.
