willitpass
Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
- Mar 10, 2020
- 2,611
Having a full month between deciding definitively on a plan and date and when I am going to be able to execute it has left me with a lot of time for my mind to run wild. For the last few years I've been pretty indifferent towards notes. Any time I've come close to attempting lately I've not bothered. To be fair, I haven't been this confident since my attempt at SN 4 years ago either, so maybe that has a part to play in it. When I was younger I would always write notes. Sometimes I would write notes without even having a plan to actually try. Rehearsal notes I suppose. I probably wrote notes at least once every month or so. With my SN attempt I wrote a haphazard note. I had no intentions of writing a note this time. I have been writing in my journal all of my thoughts and plans and feelings lately. I was going to have that serve as a note of sorts. A chronicle of everything that has lead me to this point as of the last year or so.
As I have had so much time to think lately, I've started to consider it again. I'm realizing I have things I want to say to specific people. Not just general answers as to why I've done this or what lead to this or the likes that can be answered with my journal. Personal relationships I want to give closure to. The problem is I know that no length of a note could really heal the hurt I will be bringing. Even if someone chooses to read it, which they may well decide they don't want to, they will still have questions. They will still be angry and devastated and hurt and confused. I don't know that my note will do anything. It may even cause more pain.
I know these notes would be more for my own personal closure and feelings. Hell, I could even write them and the. destroy them if it will help me. But I guess my question is: has anyone here ever received a suicide note? Or lost someone to suicide without a note? Do you wish you had a note or was receiving one worse than nothing? Will it help more than it will hurt or will it just make things more painful? Or is it a point of indifference? I know there is a possibility that it doesn't sway things either way. I'm just not sure what I should do.
As I have had so much time to think lately, I've started to consider it again. I'm realizing I have things I want to say to specific people. Not just general answers as to why I've done this or what lead to this or the likes that can be answered with my journal. Personal relationships I want to give closure to. The problem is I know that no length of a note could really heal the hurt I will be bringing. Even if someone chooses to read it, which they may well decide they don't want to, they will still have questions. They will still be angry and devastated and hurt and confused. I don't know that my note will do anything. It may even cause more pain.
I know these notes would be more for my own personal closure and feelings. Hell, I could even write them and the. destroy them if it will help me. But I guess my question is: has anyone here ever received a suicide note? Or lost someone to suicide without a note? Do you wish you had a note or was receiving one worse than nothing? Will it help more than it will hurt or will it just make things more painful? Or is it a point of indifference? I know there is a possibility that it doesn't sway things either way. I'm just not sure what I should do.