As a male-to-female, I've been on hormone replacement therapy for about four years now, but I still legally and socially live as male (boymoding) as a survival strategy in a place where LGBT discrimination is common (especially transgender discrimination). I'd say I've had major depressive disorder for a good chunk of my life, but I was only officially diagnosed with it towards the end of last year. I remember after my first suicide attempt, I decided to try HRT because hey, what do I have to lose? I remember after a few weeks of being on it, I felt my depression dispersing, and I was happier. Something just...clicked, and I actually felt normal. There was a good two years at least where I was legitimately happy and had no suicidal ideation or any form of depression.
Then a whole bunch of really horrific, traumatizing, incredibly bad shit happened last year, and long story short, I ended up having to relocate to an area that is very anti-LGBT, and was essentially forced back into the closet. It was either that, or be homeless on the streets, which around my area, isn't all that safe. Suffice it to say, socioeconomic, familial, and societal conditions presently have exacerbated my depression to the worst it's ever been in my life. I attempted again, and backed out of two other methods. The irony is that quite a few strangers address me as female even though I wear guy clothes, and I see in my mirror that I could actually pass. It does make my heart flutter and makes me happy for a few seconds when I notice that. And yet, the way things are, I literally cannot live as me without facing massive discrimination and a serious threat to my survival, safety, and well-being. My mental health hasn't deteriorated as a result of the gender dysphoria. Quite the contrary, it actually improved greatly when I first got on HRT. Now, it's only really bad because discrimination, survival, and dealing with very sick people. By sick, I mean people who've encouraged me to kill myself for being trans, or for outright wanting to kill me for being trans. Dealing with bigotry on a daily basis, being treated like subhuman garbage, and having to be a lie and watch my life fly by by being something I'm not, well...hell...I'm sure that'd make anyone depressed and suicidal.
If you identify as a trans/non-binary woman, then that is who you are. No one can ever take that identity away from you. And yes, accepting and loving yourself can help lessen the despair. My first attempt was as a result of severe self-hatred due to internalizing everyone else's transphobia into myself. After my first attempt, I just figured I'd try giving myself self-love, and to try to accept myself that I identify as female deep down. And when I got HRT and slowly started coming out of the closet, dang was I the happiest I've ever been in my life. And then being forced back into the closet due to external hardships and discrimination made me the most depressed in my life.
I can't speak for everyone because everyone goes through transition differently, and there is no "right" way to transitioning, aside from what makes you the most comfortable and happiest. I also can't speak for your mental health as you know your mind better than anyone else. Based on my own experiences, I'd say that the majority of my mental illness (anxiety and depression) hasn't actually been the gender dysphoria itself, but by how much horrible biogtry and discrimination that I've been subjected to. Then again, there's also the whole missing out on your younger years by not really growing up socially in the right gender, and having gender roles heavily engrained into your psyche growing up. "Boys do this, girls do that. Boys wear this, girls wear that. Boys talk like this, girls talk like that." When you've been coxed into having to be something you're not in order to uphold society's standards/approval/acceptance for most of your life, that can also do a blow a person's psyche. Pretty much like missing out in your childhood, teenagehood, etc., especially if you identify as the opposite gender or are gender fluid. And it can be hard to overcome gender roles when you start trying to transition if the above has been the case for you for most of your life.
The point to this giant wall of text is, there's nothing wrong for identifyinig as female, male, in-between, or non-binary. Deep down, there's nothing wrong with your true self being female. Never let anyone take that identify from you. Being a transwoman, identifying as female, at least based on my own experiences, is NOT what makes people who are transgendered mentally ill. What can make anyone mentally ill is being hated on, having to hide themselves, and being around largely unaccepting people. And some people wonder why the transgender suicide rate is so high. If being you, regardless of your work ethic, past accomplishments, deeds, or intelligence, prevents you from securing housing and employment and other basic survival necessities because everyone else condemns being trans, THAT will likely make anyone suffer from depression and suicidal ideation.
Still all this being said, these views are merely based on what I have experienced in my own transitional journey. It's been quite hard, but...everyone goes through it differently. Just so you know, me personally, I say there's nothing wrong for being who you are. If being female reduces your despair, makes you happier, and feels right, then...being female...being you...is a very beautiful thing. I don't know you, but I know you have a beautiful heart and soul. There's nothing wrong with your heart and soul. Your depression and anxiety, well...I suffer through similiar mental illnesses too. I can't guarantee if your depression and anxiety will be gone after transitioning, but if you know deep down that you are female and it's what you truly need/want, I get the feeling some of that depression and anxiety will lessen once you start that path.
