Hi there. Iv been surfing this forum for a week now and decided to register, not really sure why, but I did it. Today is my off work day and I should be doing basic stuff like cooking and cleaning or going to fix my car windows or see a doctor because I've got some new health issues, but I'm awake for 4 hours and still haven't got out of bed, just surffing SS.
I'm 35, got a job that I always wanted and get decent pay. I'm also living alone for the past few months and that was my aim.
I had a strong relationship with someone and we lived together a few years back. We split when I was 30 and my life really changed, since I found my dream job.
Than, I met another person and I guess I fell in love for the first time. Since then, it went down spiraling. She left me only after a year for someone more attractive, and did told me that it was for that reason. I was 33. Despite loving my personality back then, she left me anyways.
I'm not blaming her, the fault is mine, but after that happened, I really went numb on my life. Stopped taking care of myself, both fisicaly and mentaly, started smoking Marijuana, pulled away all my friends, pulled away my family. Didn't talk to my mom for almost a year and I didn't even know why. The only thing I had left was my job, that I really liked and kept me going.
In the last year or so, my ex,. The one that I really fell in love, started talking to me again. She had been cheated and needed support. We aproached and started doing things together. I was happy with that. It seemed like she was falling in love with me. We taked dancing lessons, went on hiking, holidays, and even had sex again, despite all the disgusting parts in me that were flourishing due to the prior years of negligent. I could be weeks without taking a bath or months witouth brushing my teeth.
After I started living alone, she met a guy and eventually started dating with him. She only talked to me about that when things were advanced between them, and it really costed me as hell. She told me from the beginning that this could happen and that she was not in love with me. So I really can't blame her for this.
After that, this last couple of months, I lost two teeths, and part of my back hair. Went to the doctor and they say it's from the stress, but people on my job claim it's infections because I didn't take care of me in the last years.
I'm the last month, I asked time off from.job, but my boss didn't allow, since we are a small firm and he needs me. So I kept working but tried to go on hikes on my free time to see if I get the stress reduced. I also kept smoking Marijuana. Two weeks ago, I got arrested by the police for smoking and driving. It was the first time I had problems with the authorities. The worst part is that they knew me from.mu job, since we kinda work together on some situations, and my credibility went down the drain.
Since then, I really don't know what to do. Still working, but with no pleasure. And it was the only thing that was keeping me away from suicidal.
I went alone to a hill, onder heavy storm, to see what happened. Been lost for 5 hours, entered in hipotermia, but didn't die. Found my way back and came home. Guess it was a test if I should be loving or not.
And now I am here. Alone, depressed, with serious health issues, and realizing that, at my age, I really can't expect that things will be better, because they won't. Gonna have more and more health issues, gonna keep my drug habit and will. Eventually be fired or quit the job.
I'm not 100 percent sure that I will end my life in the next days, but I'm sure that, if I do it, it will be in the top of the mountains, near by, where there's no living soul and only wild animals. I could hang myself or drink bleach or something. But it has to be there.
I'm 35, got a job that I always wanted and get decent pay. I'm also living alone for the past few months and that was my aim.
I had a strong relationship with someone and we lived together a few years back. We split when I was 30 and my life really changed, since I found my dream job.
Than, I met another person and I guess I fell in love for the first time. Since then, it went down spiraling. She left me only after a year for someone more attractive, and did told me that it was for that reason. I was 33. Despite loving my personality back then, she left me anyways.
I'm not blaming her, the fault is mine, but after that happened, I really went numb on my life. Stopped taking care of myself, both fisicaly and mentaly, started smoking Marijuana, pulled away all my friends, pulled away my family. Didn't talk to my mom for almost a year and I didn't even know why. The only thing I had left was my job, that I really liked and kept me going.
In the last year or so, my ex,. The one that I really fell in love, started talking to me again. She had been cheated and needed support. We aproached and started doing things together. I was happy with that. It seemed like she was falling in love with me. We taked dancing lessons, went on hiking, holidays, and even had sex again, despite all the disgusting parts in me that were flourishing due to the prior years of negligent. I could be weeks without taking a bath or months witouth brushing my teeth.
After I started living alone, she met a guy and eventually started dating with him. She only talked to me about that when things were advanced between them, and it really costed me as hell. She told me from the beginning that this could happen and that she was not in love with me. So I really can't blame her for this.
After that, this last couple of months, I lost two teeths, and part of my back hair. Went to the doctor and they say it's from the stress, but people on my job claim it's infections because I didn't take care of me in the last years.
I'm the last month, I asked time off from.job, but my boss didn't allow, since we are a small firm and he needs me. So I kept working but tried to go on hikes on my free time to see if I get the stress reduced. I also kept smoking Marijuana. Two weeks ago, I got arrested by the police for smoking and driving. It was the first time I had problems with the authorities. The worst part is that they knew me from.mu job, since we kinda work together on some situations, and my credibility went down the drain.
Since then, I really don't know what to do. Still working, but with no pleasure. And it was the only thing that was keeping me away from suicidal.
I went alone to a hill, onder heavy storm, to see what happened. Been lost for 5 hours, entered in hipotermia, but didn't die. Found my way back and came home. Guess it was a test if I should be loving or not.
And now I am here. Alone, depressed, with serious health issues, and realizing that, at my age, I really can't expect that things will be better, because they won't. Gonna have more and more health issues, gonna keep my drug habit and will. Eventually be fired or quit the job.
I'm not 100 percent sure that I will end my life in the next days, but I'm sure that, if I do it, it will be in the top of the mountains, near by, where there's no living soul and only wild animals. I could hang myself or drink bleach or something. But it has to be there.
